i read through all the twloha blogs today - all nineteen pages of them. all the way from the very beginning of the story. i never really grasped that it started from such a small story - i mean, i knew it, but i never really knew it. reading those blogs, some from renee about her struggles..
those blogs are filled with a lot of things. a lot of hurt, a lot of pain... but also a lot of hope and love.

i needed to be reminded of a lot of things they said.
i've gotten lost for awhile. i want to believe that i'm finding my way back, but i'm not completely sure. as superchick says in their song 'suddenly' (which is one of my favorite songs, btw) "the only way out is through everything she's running from". i just need to turn around and run the other way.
if only i could do that.

i've grown a lot in the past three months. in the past year. in the past two, three, four years. there's been a lot of hurt - i'm not going to deny that. a lot of it was self-inflicted. but i honestly and truly believe that it's made me a stronger person. it sounds so cliche, but it's true.

i don't know where i'm going with this.
so i'll just leave off with this, an excerpt from one of the blogs that really hit home..

"i've been obsessed with The Fray's new single "You Found Me" for the last week, playing it for everyone, making them listen. i think it's the honesty... The song is basically a conversation with God, the things you're not supposed to say:

Guy runs into God and asks Him where the heck He's been.

God says 'Ask anything.'

He asks 'Where were you when everything was falling apart?'

i am full-blown in love with the bridge, beyond explanation. All i know is that it's been moving some things around in me. He sings this with urgency:
'Early morning, the city breaks, i've been calling for years and years and years and years and you never left me no messages, you never sent me no letters. You've got some kind of nerve...'

Whoa. You're not supposed to talk to God like that... right?

Or maybe God can handle it. Maybe God can handle my pain and my questions. Maybe God would prefer the most honest version of me.

i'm not sure what you believe about God, or conversations with God... Perhaps that's a separate conversation. i guess i'm just writing to say that it's okay to be honest, that pain shouldn't stay silent. Questions shouldn't stay silent. We need to say these things out loud. Perhaps hope or healing or even faith, perhaps it begins there, with honesty.

This week i was reminded that i am thankful for the fact that it's okay to be honest, that maybe change starts there."

-jamie tworkowski

every once in awhile, i have a moment when i believe everything's going to turn out okay.
right now is one of those moments.

my guitar teacher asked me today what my goals were for this summer.
i told him i didn't have any, really, besides getting better.
he didn't like that too much, and it's understandable.

it got me to thinking.. i don't really set goals at all. and that got me to thinking.. why?
and then i realized.. the reason i don't set goals is so when i don't reach them others won't be disappointed in me.

how pathetic is that?

wldejwlkfhwflksdhfk

this.

..a trailer for Donald Miller's new book and DVD, 'The Open Table: An Invitation to Know God'.

http://donmilleris.com/2009/02/04/the-open-table-video/


... wow. ♥

deteriorate - demon hunter

Time has had it's way with me
My broken, tired hands can't build a thing
The wires that have held me still
Embedded now in flesh, define my will
The idle of my days has won
The empty I have fed has made me numb
Despite what you will find in me
The failures of my past still swell beneath

(Prechorus)
I need a heart that carries on through the pain
When the walls start collapsing again
Give me a soul that never ceases to follow
Despite the infection within

(chorus)
Our careless feet leaving trails
Never minding the fragile dirt we all end in(x2)

This is where i find my fall
The cares that held me life don't work at all
And every step away from here
Is closer to the plague I hold so dear

(Prechorus)

(Chorus)

Awaiting my end
Breathing in the day that finds me new
Redemption begins
Bleeding out the flaws in place of you(x2)

(Chorus)

----

i'm learning.

Your Life Path Number is 9

Your purpose in life is to make the world better You are very socially conscious and a total idealist. You think there are many things wrong with the world, and you want to fix them. You have a big idea of how to world could be, and you'll sacrifice almost anything to work towards this dream. In love, you can easily see the beauty in someone else. And you never cling too tightly. You are capable of great love, but it's hard for you to focus your love on one person or relationship. You have a lot of outward focus, and you tend to blame the world for your failures. You are often disappointed by the realities of life - it's hard for you to accept the shortcomings of the world.

What Is Your Life Path Number?