When the Time Comes - The Classic Crime

When the time comes put my feet in the water,
It's not as warm as I expect
Will I go down like a preacher's son,
Or will I come back up like a world war vet?
Will I watch my brothers die,
Or speak true words into their lives?
Will I hold them close and tell them why,
The life they lead was sacrifice.

I don't know much,
But I know about love and how it hurts me to give up
It hurts me to give up

When the time comes put my hands on the table,
They are examined for that they are
A long life line that's been cut short,
By the road, the time, the battle scars
Would I would give to be back home,
Where the sun sets over the water
Someone save me from these preacher's sons,
Save me from their daughters

Still I don't know much,
But I know about love and how it hurts me to give up
It hurts me to give up

Why do we always say we're fine,
When it's obviously we're lying?
Why don't we ever tell the truth,
What do we got to lose?

And I don't know much,
But I know about love and how it hurts me to give up
It hurts me to give up
And I don't know much,
But I know about love and how it hurts me to give up
It hurts me to give up

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I've had a crappy day today. I've really had a crappy week.. 'cept for Monday.

I'm worried about my grandma. Very worried. There's a whole lot of crap going on.... my grandpa isn't taking it very well, the doctors are stupid.. there's no will.. it's just a big mess... but then again, cancer is always a mess.

On top of that, both my parents had the flu, and now I think I'm getting it. Not cool.

I hate my job. With a passion.

I hate retarded school. I hate myself for hating it. I hate getting behind because I think it's stupid and then having to do a heck of a lot of work.

I'm a mess.

Don't get me wrong... this doesn't mean I don't still love Jesus, because I do. With all my heart. But I still have issues.. lots of them..

*sigh*

"Your sun will no longer set, and your moon will not fade; for the LORD will be your everlasting light, and the days of your sorrow will be over." - Isaiah 60:20

paint a picture..

"You are now at a crossroads. This is your opportunity to make the most important decision you will ever make. Forget your past. Who are you now? Who have you decided you really are now? Don't think about who you have been. Who are you now? Who have you decided to become? Make this decision consciously. Make it carefully. Make it powerfully." - Anthony Robbins

<33

"If you knew me yesterday, or last week, or last year, please don't think that I'm the same person that you're meeting today. I have experienced more of life, I have encountered new depths in those I love, I have suffered and I have prayed. I'm different."


I've decided that liking boys at this point in my life is worthless. Yep. Absolutely pointless.

The end.

Chains of Steel - Everfound

Wrapped around in chains of steel
Invisible and yet so real
Cold metal on my skin is all I feel
But I smile, dare not let you see
The truth behind this picture perfect me
I create my own honesty

You call me crazy
It doesn’t change me

Running and running away from myself
I’m trying to
Run and run away from myself
Running and running away from myself
I’m trying to run away from myself

Circuits’ cut my skin is turning white
The blood inside is giving up this fight
These steel chains hold me tight
I tried hard to break myself free
But it’s time to face reality
He’s the only one who has the key

You call me crazy
When you’re just like me

Running and running away from yourself
You're trying to
Run and run away from yourself
Running and running away from yourself
You're trying to run away from yourself

You call me crazy
It doesn’t change me
You call me crazy
When you're just like me
You call me crazy
It doesn't change me
You call me crazy
When you're just like me

Running and running away from ourselves
'Cause I'm just like you
Run and run away from ourselves
Running and running away from ourselves
We're trying to run away from ourselves

Tried hard to break myself free
Until I faced reality
He's the only one who has the key
You tried hard to break yourself free
Until you faced reality
God's only son can set you free

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I love this song. I saw Everfound at an AMAZING concert last night. They're officially *almost* my favorite band. Eleventyseven still has the number one favorite band spot though, that's why they're *almost* my favorite band. =]
The concert last night was just.. wow. One of the funnest, if not the funnest concert I've ever been too. It was a blast. I love being able to go crazy and not care.. and dance and sing at the top of my lungs. I brought the guys in FTGF peanut butter m&m's. They enjoyed that. haha.

This week has been.. not so normal.
My grandmother was diagnosed with stage four pancreatic cancer, and has a year to five years to live.... my family (extended, as well as my parents) is not handling it very well. I'm okay with it though.. it's despratly sad, but I know that Jesus is calling her home, and she'll be carried home by angels.
I found about an awesome music camp called "Camp Electric", and got all psyched, and totally wanted to go. Then I found out how expensive it is ($650 for five days), and that it really isn't as awesome as it sounds. So I'm back to square one about what to do for this summer.
I went ice-skating twice. My still kinda hurt. heh. I watched a hockey game, and enjoyed it. I stayed up really late one night and stared at the stars, and got up really early one morning and watched the sunrise. Then there was the concert, which was amazing.
But the most important thing that has happened since the last time I blogged is this: I (re)dedicated my life to Jesus Christ this morning. It's the most amazing feeling I've ever felt.. even more-so than when I "became a Christian" when I was seven - because when you're seven you don't really know any different. I know the right words to say most of the time - words to make others believe that I'm doing awesome, or I'm really down... and half the time I don't mean them. But I mean this with all my heart. My life belongs to Jesus Christ.

I've been worried about a lot of things this week - but I'm at peace about them. Because I know that Jesus has it all in control. It's comforting - knowing that I don't have to handle it all by myself.

I'm still struggling. I still have moments when I want to get out a knife. I still hurt. But Jesus is always there - and that is more comforting than anything else in this world.

Still looking for a new job. Haven't been able to find one yet... so I dunno about that.
I'm playing guitar on the worship team on Sunday. A bit nervous about that..

Have a fantastic evening.

"I have told you these things so that in Me you may have peace. You will have suffering in this world. Be courageous! I have conquered the world." - John 16:33

Winter - Bayside

When Winter falls
Next year, I'll be holding on
To anything nailed down
As for being patient, with fate and all, it's getting old.
And my mind is slowly changing
I'm calling all my oldest friends,
Saying "sorry for this mess we're in,"

And I'm waiting, waiting
For the Sun to come and melt this snow,
Wash away the pain, and give me back control, control.

An angel got his wings,
And we'll hold our heads up knowing that he's fine.
We'd all be lucky to have a love like that in a lifetime.

Should we still set his plate?
Should we still save his chair?
Should we still buy him gifts?
And if we don't, did we not care?

It makes you think about the life you've led,
Shit you've done, things you've said.
And it's grounding, grounding.
I've been feeling three feet tall this month,
Hardly indestructible.
But the snow melts, and the rhythm still goes on.

An angel got his wings,
And we'll hold our heads up knowing that he's fine.
We'd all be lucky to have a love like that in a lifetime.
Friends stay side by side,
In life and death you've always stole my heart,
You'll always mean so much to me, it's hard to believe this

These nights in vans,
These nights in bars,
Don't mean a thing with empty hearts, with empty hearts.

An angel got his wings,
And we'll hold our heads up knowing that he's fine.
We'd all be lucky to have a love like that in a lifetime.
Friends stay side by side,
In life and death you've always stole my heart,
You've always meant so much to me, it's hard to believe
So much to me, it's hard to believe
So much to me, it's hard to believe this.

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Song like this, songs that are dedicated to someone who died... they intrigue me.

It makes me think such cliche thoughts, thoughts about how short life really is. How even when we think it's not worth it, it is. The short time we have here on earth needs to be worth it. I wish I could make mine worth it. *sigh*

.. I've been feeling three feet tall this month ...

Heath Ledger, the actor, died today. Casey Calvert from the band Hawethorne Heights died not too long ago. Thousands of people die everyday. Thousands more are left with hurt everyday. Time goes on.

I can't help but wonder if anyone will write anything about me after I'm dead.

Don't Be There - Switchfoot

Don't be there
'Cause I'm on my way
And I'm already gone over
And I'm on my way

And I can't recall myself
How I went down
Did I get shot
Or shoot myself

I'm down here
And you're way up there
But that doesn't hurt badly
But it stings right here

And I won't pretend there's
Nothing there
You be around and I'll be square
Don't be alarmed if I'm not there
You be around and I'll be square

If you're a rose
Then I'm the thorn
That's in your side

And does it hurt badly
'Cause it burns right here

I'd like to say hello
I'd like to say I care
I'd like to let you know
That nothing here's the same with me
Nothing here's the same

Don't be around
Don't be there
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I've been listening to this song over and over for the past hour.

It makes me think fo all the friendships I've had. All those friendshops where both me and the other said the whole "BFF!" stuff. Now I don't even know them anymore... well, not really. The friends I've had and me, we've grown so far apart.. I'd still like to think we're really good friends, but the truth is, we're not. Times have changed. We've all moved on to new lives.. we're not in elementary school and junior high anymore. I have no idea who my old best friends are.. and I can guarantee they don't know who I am. It's strange how much time has changed me... has changed all of us.

I miss it. Having best friends. Having going to the park and just being dorky little kids together be enough. I miss having cutting be stepping in front of someone in a line. I miss silly dreams, and giggling over nothing, and trying to stay up all night but falling asleep at ten. I miss not having to worry about being cool, and staying skinny. I miss having my biggest problems being whether or not I'd get that new toy. I miss it all.

Now that I'm older, it gets harder and harder to find friends, you could say. My closest friends live in other states. It's really kind of sad... but with the whole being in a tiny/miniscule youth group/church, and having a crappy job.. and those being my only forms of socialization, it's more than a bit difficult to find rl friends.

Eh. I have no reason to mope. I'm a blessed person.. what with all I have.

This may sound bad, like, really wrong.. but sometimes (most of the time) I wish I had a real reason to be angry at the world. But I really don't.. there's nothing terribly difficult in my life. I'm so frustrated with myself.. I've been thinking about cutting lately.. and I know, with all my heart that I shouldn't do it - that my life isn't that bad - that the organization I support most is one that tries to prevent and stop self-mutilation. But I can't stop myself from wanting it. I know it's horrible.. but I can't. I probally won't ever get up the guts to actually do it - so that's a relief.. or a curse, whichever way you look at it.

Man. I ramble way too much. >_<

"'Don't Be There' was inspired by a bittersweet period in my life when I was growing further apart from a dear friend of mine. I will always treasure our friendship; I will never forget the beautiful memories. Yet, youth can be synonymous with change as we begin to learn and discover and experience life more and more. My friend and I had changed since we met, and our distance hurt both of us. 'Don't Be There' is built around the conflicting desires that I had concerning this friendship?" -Jon Foreman

More than Anything - Three Cord Wonder

I've been seeing myself in the wrong light,
I've been looking at the world through shadowed eyes,
I've been angry at myself - more than I have been upset at anyone before.
I've been listening to voices that don't really care,
I've been whining that my life is so unfair,
I've been failing the grasp....
When it's truth that I lack - You are my source.

I keep missing the point..
I keep forgetting that I don't know where I'm going.....
And that I'm nothing without You

Because I need You more than I need to breathe,
And I wanted so much more of You - means less of me,
And I feel You, I feel You, more than I ever believed.
And I love You, I love You, more than anything.

I've been blaming everybody for my own mistakes...
Accelerating where I know I should be using brakes.
While attempting to defuse it,
I found out that I blew it and everything's my fault
Got to stop selling out on what I know is true.
Time to stop compromising all my values
No more fake - now I'm real
It doesn't matter how I feel - You are my hope.

I keep missing the point......
I keep forgetting that I don't know where I'm going.....
And that I'm nothing without You.

'Cause I need You more than I need to breathe
And I wanted more of You - means less of me
And I feel You, I feel You, more than I ever believed
And I love You, I love You, more than anything.

I have fallen too hard.
I'm so in love with You...
I know I missed the mark of your unfailing truth.
You are always the same - I know you never change...
And I need You more than life.

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I started praying again. And it was really nice... to really pour out my heart. I don't think anyone ever really knew.. I haven't prayed, like really prayed, in such a long time. I've been figuring things out.. like what I really believe, what prayer really is to me, whether or not I really want God to be the number one priority in my life, stuff like that. Now I know. I know with all my heart. Jesus Christ is my number one. I need Him to be my number one. Prayer is not just a mere asking of things, because no relationship should be based on asking and asking and asking. Prayer, for me now, is a pouring out of my heart. A giving of my life to Jesus. Building a relationship. It's like I'm truly free. I say things a lot. I know the right words to say. I can convince people. But now, it's really heart knowledge, not just head knowledge. Oh, I know.. this isn't going to be some walk in the park. I'm going to have to work hard, really hard, at this relationship. But it's all I really want - to serve the One who created me. It's all I want.

This doesn't mean I'm perfect. It doesn't mean I'm not going to mess up. Simply means that I'm not trusting *me* with my life. I'm trusting Jesus Christ with my life. I'm not scared of how my life will turn out - He's already got it planned.

Have a fantastic day.