as of a week and a half ago, i am officialy done with my junior year of highschool.
whoo!

only two years left of school total. one in highschool, one at photography school.
then i'm off to hopefully working somehow with a mix of photography, music, and ministry/non-profits.

half of me is super super super excited.. but the other half totally isn't ready yet. i feel like i should still be a little kid with years and years until i have to think about my future. but i'm sixteen - and i'm not a little kid anymore. time to start growing up, eh?

on another note, i recently (..yesterday..) discovered this AMAZING band called "Awaken, North Wind". they're really good and i like them a lot.
i'm bad at describing bands, so you should just check them out for yourself..
http://myspace.com/awakennorthwind

so many unanswered questions

i tried to go to bed 47 minutes ago.
it didn't work.
it's one of those nights that my head is just so full of things.. questions... life..
i've been having a lot of these nights lately.


the whole God/predestination thing. I still haven't figured it out. if God really did predestine those who would be saved, why did He pick who He did? why didn't He just pick the whole world? does predestination interfere with free will?

legalism in Christianity. why are Christians so stuck in it? why are there so many rules and regulations and shit? why is the church seen as a museum for saints rather than a hospital for sinners? why isn't living like Jesus did - loving with all we are - enough?

why am i always shuffling backwards? it seems everytime i take one step forward, i take two steps back. or everytime i think i've finally got it right, i have to turn myself around.

materialism/consumerism. why is america so obsessed with it? why is it so important? why do i constantly get caught up in it? when will we realize that there's no joy in having it all?

will things actually change once i get out of this town? will i actually be able to make a difference?

i don't know.
and these are only a fraction of the questions in my head.

*sigh*

i read through all the twloha blogs today - all nineteen pages of them. all the way from the very beginning of the story. i never really grasped that it started from such a small story - i mean, i knew it, but i never really knew it. reading those blogs, some from renee about her struggles..
those blogs are filled with a lot of things. a lot of hurt, a lot of pain... but also a lot of hope and love.

i needed to be reminded of a lot of things they said.
i've gotten lost for awhile. i want to believe that i'm finding my way back, but i'm not completely sure. as superchick says in their song 'suddenly' (which is one of my favorite songs, btw) "the only way out is through everything she's running from". i just need to turn around and run the other way.
if only i could do that.

i've grown a lot in the past three months. in the past year. in the past two, three, four years. there's been a lot of hurt - i'm not going to deny that. a lot of it was self-inflicted. but i honestly and truly believe that it's made me a stronger person. it sounds so cliche, but it's true.

i don't know where i'm going with this.
so i'll just leave off with this, an excerpt from one of the blogs that really hit home..

"i've been obsessed with The Fray's new single "You Found Me" for the last week, playing it for everyone, making them listen. i think it's the honesty... The song is basically a conversation with God, the things you're not supposed to say:

Guy runs into God and asks Him where the heck He's been.

God says 'Ask anything.'

He asks 'Where were you when everything was falling apart?'

i am full-blown in love with the bridge, beyond explanation. All i know is that it's been moving some things around in me. He sings this with urgency:
'Early morning, the city breaks, i've been calling for years and years and years and years and you never left me no messages, you never sent me no letters. You've got some kind of nerve...'

Whoa. You're not supposed to talk to God like that... right?

Or maybe God can handle it. Maybe God can handle my pain and my questions. Maybe God would prefer the most honest version of me.

i'm not sure what you believe about God, or conversations with God... Perhaps that's a separate conversation. i guess i'm just writing to say that it's okay to be honest, that pain shouldn't stay silent. Questions shouldn't stay silent. We need to say these things out loud. Perhaps hope or healing or even faith, perhaps it begins there, with honesty.

This week i was reminded that i am thankful for the fact that it's okay to be honest, that maybe change starts there."

-jamie tworkowski

every once in awhile, i have a moment when i believe everything's going to turn out okay.
right now is one of those moments.

my guitar teacher asked me today what my goals were for this summer.
i told him i didn't have any, really, besides getting better.
he didn't like that too much, and it's understandable.

it got me to thinking.. i don't really set goals at all. and that got me to thinking.. why?
and then i realized.. the reason i don't set goals is so when i don't reach them others won't be disappointed in me.

how pathetic is that?

wldejwlkfhwflksdhfk

this.

..a trailer for Donald Miller's new book and DVD, 'The Open Table: An Invitation to Know God'.

http://donmilleris.com/2009/02/04/the-open-table-video/


... wow. ♥