sometimes my chest aches so much that it's almost hard to breathe.


i can't stop listening to 'there is hope' and 'the hug poem' by bradley hathaway.


sometimes i feel i'll never figure it out.

"there's just hurt in my soul that needs to be purged"

i wish i could sing like hayley williams.
dang, she's so freaking amazing. i love the acoustic paramore stuff, because she sings like she'd sing in the normal version of the songs..
[/fangirl]

anyway.
i made an underoath cover.
enjoy, i hope i don't break your glass.

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don't forget me.

forget me and throw me away.
i seem to fall short once again.
set me free from this mess i call 'me'.

building up sorrows and failures..
will i ever get this right?

there's got to be more to life than this..
than this.. emptiness.
but everywhere i look just holds more gasping chasms.

help me hold on for one more night.
please, please, please.
i can't do this on my own.

song for 2010:
"Months and Years" by Abandon Kansas

"resolutions"

my resolutions in past years have always been vague and therefore i've never completed them. or even started them, really.
so i'm making some concrete goals. and i am going to achieve them.

1. get my license


2. graduate in may. oh dear.


3. go on at least one roadtrip.


4. go to Cornerstone, Sonshine, or Ichthus. [or all three!]

5. do yoga [or just excercise] at least three times a week. eat at least one fruit and one veggie per day. ie: become a healthy person.


6. complete project52 and project stranger.

7. finish my three song demo.


8. watch one sunset/sunrise and stargaze at least once a month.


9. read and study the whole Bible.


10. love with all i have in me.



my song for 2009 was "time i understood" by wavorly. holy cow, was it a good pick.
i still haven't decided what 2010's song will be. hopefully soon, considering 2010 starts in less than 36 hours.

the day after Christmas.
it's crazy, really. i've been so so so busy this month. and now everything's calmed down. my family's still having a Christmas celebration on Sunday, but Christmas is basically over. i'm done with my santa job, and now am just working at baskin-robbins.
oh, i am so blessed.
i can't understand why i hate my life so much.
my mind and my heart are in a neverending battle.
i didn't want much this Christmas, i didn't ask for much. i really am trying to simplify my life, slowly but surely.
but then i only got a little bit of stuff. and i craved more.
i am much more materialistic than i let myself believe.
a fight between flesh and soul.


surrender is so hard.



"Time for surrender
Spread out your open hands
And He will raise you up
Confessing all that's broken
And watch the healing come
Spread out your open hands
Admit you've held them shut
Be swept away by this"
- flylead, "swept away"