the hope that lies in You.

... and through all the questioning,
You’ve been the hope in me.
despite uncertainty,
You’ve been the only constant thing.
and when i'm struggling,
You keep on loving me the same...
this is the hope that lies in You.

-----------

some days are good.
some aren't.

i guess that's life.

she's ripping wings off of butterflies...

my youth pastor came up to me tonight and told me that he was praying for me.
i can't even beging to explain how much that means to me.

maybe i will contine attending this youth group...
*sigh*
i don't know. i don't know. i don't know.
the only people who talk to me/i talk to are the leaders. the students mostly ignore me. there's not a community there for me.
but i can't stop going back. there's still some small glimmer of hope that something might change...

i adore noah gundersen and the courage.
i saw them play last night. and they didn't play near long enough, in my opinion. even though they played for about forty minutes.
and i already want to see them play again....

falling into You

Don’t wake me. I’ve fallen asleep. Don’t hate me. I have no relief.
This burden is shredding my soul. This cycle is out of control.

And You call me as your friend, as I drive these nails again.
I’m falling into You.
You call me as your friend, as I break Your heart again.
I’m falling into You.

In a darkened room, this pain is complete.
In my selfish tomb, I smell the defeat.
Why do I medicate? Why do I go back to the things I hate?
There’s something broken in me
I must be soaking in my apathy.

And You call me as your friend, as I drive these nails again.
I’m falling into You.
You call me as your friend, as I break Your heart again.
I’m falling into You.

All who are found in this place, come to the ocean of grace.
And all who have spit in His face, come and live!
And You call me as your friend, as I drive these nails again.
I’m falling into You.
(Come and live!)
You call me as your friend, as I break Your heart again.
I’m falling into You.
And You call me as your friend - my heart beats once again.
I’m falling into You.

You call me as your friend - and I come alive again.
I’m falling into You.
(And You call me as your friend, as I drive these nails again. I’m falling...)
...into You. (You call me as your friend, as I break Your heart again.)
I’m falling into You. (I’m falling...)

---------------
i heart The Glorious Unseen. both the band and the being.

take what's left of me..

"i waste my time on things that don't matter, forgetting that people matter more than those things. and you wonder why we start to believe that people don't matter... sure, it may seem easy to replace a person with something else, but until that other thing loves you, it isn't worth much. people will hurt us, but people will also love us, and if we give up on something because it hurts, then we will never learn and we will constantly be stuck in a rut. we hate the rut and we want to get out of the rut, but we dig it deeper because that's how we cope. the razor blades and the alcohol and cigarettes... they're like little shovels, digging our ruts deeper. we want to get out but we want to go deeper because going deeper feels good in the moment, and getting out hurts so much.

so maybe people are our way out. maybe people can help us out. which is to say, maybe you can help somebody out. maybe you can save somebody's life. and maybe it's as easy as saying something to them. and if it's that easy... imagine how much more we can do if we do more than just say something."

- eric [www.myspace.com/ericschripsema]

eric posted this as a comment on the to write love blog yesterday about world suicide prevention day.

it made my eyes fill with tears, wrenched my sould a little bit.
not just his comment, but his comment in relation to the twloha blog.
people are important. people are important.

i know this, i know this so well. but in an attempt to protect myself i've lost some of the value of human relationship. i've had maybe two in-depth honest conversations in the past year. i can remember each of them specifically. and in both i didn't even spill my heart out, only let a little piece seep through. we are called to love in broken places, but how am i supposed to love if i'm the broken place?

the past few days have been hard. i've laid in bed under my covers in the middle of the day and wished i could fall asleep and never wake up, because at least it would make everything go away. i've struggled before, but not like this. not where it feels like my sould is wrenching out and feeling perfectly numb at the same time. not where i know that this God loves me, but i can't make the true choice to love Him back. not where i can see where i need to be, but can't there through my own shroud of lonliness and selfishness.

i know i need to make the choice, the choice to let people in - to know me, to love me, to walk alongside me. as jamie says "call it 'community' or call it the way things are supposed to be." but how do you make a choice that you can't? how do you start when you've tried so many times before? everyone around me has their own lives, their own problems. and they probally don't have the slightest idea that i've been struggling, and they probally don't care. and if there are those out there who do, how do i know who they are?

i can hardly breathe anymore.

all i really am is self-centered and alone.
no matter what anyone says.


p.s. completely unrelated note, but i'm doing a class this semester called 'writing from the heart'. it's writing paragraphs about silly subjects that i don't really care about. i've written one a day for the past five weeks, and not once written 'from the heart', but this blog post on the internet is from my heart. deep down in my heart. ironic? i'm thinking yes..

more in-depth blog to come.
i'm long overdue for one of those.

11897 views on my blog?
o.O
i'm thinking that's a glitch.
because pretty much nobody reads this thing.
or at least, nobody should be.
because it's pretty pathetic.

bury the castle, bury the castle..
brick by boring brick..

'i've been told to break the mold and i would if i could
but apathy is easier than caring at all
and the undulating nothingness means having a ball.'
-showbread

i watched the movie 'camp rock' tonight.
and i kinda sorta actually enjoyed it.

and now i can't stop listening to the song 'this is me' from the movie.
not exactly a picture of myself, but bits and pieces i can relate to sooo well.

i figured out one of the tattoos i want to get eventually.
"I loved you at your darkest"
in fancy swirly script.
most likely on my left arm...

Jesus, Jesus...

Jesus, Jesus could you tell me what the problem is
with the world and all the people in it
because i've been hearing stories about the end of the world
and i'm in love with a girl and i don't want to leave her
the television screen says the most hideous things
they're talking about the war on the radio
they say the whole things gonna blow and we will all be left alone
no, we'll be dead and we won't know what hit us

Jesus, Jesus if you're up there won't you hear me
because i've been wondering if you're listening for quite awhile
Jesus, Jesus such a pretty place we live in
and i know we've fucked it up, but please be kind
don't let us go out like the dinasours
or blown to bits in a third world war
there are a hundred different things i'd still like to do
i'd like to climb to the top of the eiffel tower
look up from the ground under a meteor shower
and maybe even raise a family

Jesus, Jesus there are those that say they love you
but they have treated me so god-damned mean
and i know you said 'forgive them for they know not what they do'
but sometimes i think they do, and i think about you
if all the heathens burn in hell, do all their children burn as well?
what about the muslims and the gays and the unwed mothers?
what about me and all my friends, are we all sinners if we sin?
does it even matter in the end if we're unhappy?

Jesus, Jesus i'm still looking for answers
and i know that i won't find them here tonight
Jesus, Jesus could you call me if you have the time?
maybe we could meet for coffee and work it out
maybe then i'll understand what it's all about...

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i love noah gundersen.