one girl revolution

"Some people see the revolution but most only see the girl
I can lose my hard earned freedom if my fear defines my world
I declare my independence from the critics and their stones
I can find my revolution I can learn to stand alone...
I'll be everything that I want to be
I am confidence in insecurity
I am a voice yet waiting to be heard
I'll shoot the shot, bang, that you hear round the world...
I'm a one girl revolution." - Superchic[k]

"Raise your hand if you’re not another carbon copy
Wannabe like everybody else
Raise up your hand if you got something more to say
Keep on lookin if your lookin for a cookie cutter
I’m here to start a revolution
I’m here to start a one girl revolution
I’m not a perfect ten, paper thin, Hollywood illusion
I thought I told ya, I’m a soldier
And I ain’t leavin’ til the party’s over
One girl revolution." - Saving Jane

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today has just been one of those days.
i feel really fat and ugly and worthless today. and i'm pretty sure it's true. because i am fat... even my mother says so. =p
i had an interview today at the place my sister works.. i got a really strong feeling that the lady didn't like me and was only interviewing me because my sister works there. and i really don't want to work there now.. hah. so i'm not going to. and the two other places i was looking at filled the positions already. lovely.
i'm still a bit behind in school.. mostly in literature. ick. and i have a paper to write too.. ugh. only three weeks though! i'm so ready. so. so. so. ready.
i had to go to the dentist today too, to get a filling. ick. and i have to get two more on monday. double ick. and i'm getting braces at the end of May. not going to enjoy that. (on the other hand though, straight teeth will be nice..)

enough ranting. hah. because although today has been perfectly horrible.. it's reminded me how much i need to change. Which is a lot.. and I'm going to seriously start working on those things.. i'm not just going to say that i'm going to work on them. i'm not going to be in that "in-between" part. i'm tired of being there. tired of being the girl next door.. =p


so..
today was one of my best friend's sixteenth birthdays. happy birthday, robert. =]
strange thing - my two best guy friends both turned sixteen in the same week. how weird is that? hah.

"It's not so much that we're afraid of change or so in love with the old ways, but it's that place in between that we fear.... it's like being between trapezes. It's Linus when his blanket is in the dryer. There's nothing to hold on to." -Marilyn Ferguson

And I'll go to undergo a surgery to purge me of this lonely mood
And my ego, the status quo, provides me with a decent attitude
And I'll go to undergo a change of heart, a change of clothes
And I'll go, oh yes
I'll go and hope the new me shows so everybody knows
That I've found myself able to fly away with out magic feathers or jefferson aero planes
I've got with me all that I need

renee - two years

she's such an inspiration to me. she really is.
plus, she has kick-butt makeup and hair. ^_^
i loved the end of the video..
"it's not like they crawl out of their mothers and start walking. oh.. wait i don't think that's appropriate. *laughs*"
haha.
and i really love how she places the importance on today... because that's how i'm living. one day at a time..

"well, she never was the best - yeah, at following the trends"

choosing to be happy.. it's an interesting concept. i was reading a blog today that was talking about it.. and i've written blogs about how i choose to be happy.
i think that sometimes it's possible.. but more than often it's not. happiness is a thing that comes and goes. there's a time and a place for it. the same goes for not being happy. there are times and places when it's okay to not be happy... when it's okay to not want to be happy. happiness is a very fickle thing, and rightly so. if we were happy all the time.. then we would never get any joy out of the happiness.

"..and i'll take the truth at any cost.."
i hate lying. i really do. and i think the main reason is because i've gotten hurt so much because people have lied to me.. and if they had told the truth, it still would have hurt - but it would have hurt less. does that make sense? i dunno.
so.. yeah. just an fyi. don't lie to me. it makes me angry.
and i think it's okay for me to be angry when someone lies to me.. ya know, as long as it's "righteous" (ooh, big Bible word) anger, and i don't act "unrighteously" on it.. then i think it's perfectly acceptable. =p


i have worship team practice tonight.. should be interesting. we have a new worship leader.. tonights his first night. kinda like a test-run of sorts. we'll see how it goes.. hah.

"I don't have anything that you need. Nothing I say is going to change your life, and none of our music is going to change the world. God does those things. Always listen for that still small voice in your head telling you to hold, resist anger, and show love. Hard times make you who you are, not good ones." - Matthew Langston, Eleventyseven

the end.

we're not alone - broken iris

"Is this right?"
Because deep down inside
There's something that's left
To discover

Is your grand design hand woven nor divine?
As right as the rain smells when it hits the ground
As safe as an infant feels in its mother's arms
Sleeping peacefully sound
Singing...

We're not alone softly she whispers
As out of control as this world seems to be
We're not alone

When day turns to dusk
And you close your eyes and finally realize as you ponder
A battling storm in the sky

Is your grand design hand woven nor divine?
As right as the rain smells when it hits the ground
As safe as an infant feels in its mother's arms
Sleeping peacefully sound

We're not alone softly she whispers
As out of control as this world seems to be
We're not alone

It's impossible to blink away
From this astonishing absolute beauty
And I smile just as you say

Set all your fears aside
Reveal what has grown through time
The Overcast falls behind
Then you'll find

We're not alone softly she whispers
As out of control as this world seems to be
We're not alone

----------------

i haven't actually heard this song.. but i like the lyrics, quite a lot.


three weeks until i'm done with my sophmore year! i'm so excited to be done with school, if only for a few months.. a break is greatly needed. it's kinda scary though. because that means that i'll be a junior.. which means next year i'll be a senior.. which means i'm 'growing up'... i turn sixteen in six months. that's a creepy thought. this whole growing up thing is scary... i mean, i'm excited. and i'm ready to be older and get out of the grip of my parents.. but it's still scary. it's a double edged sword of sorts.

i have a couple of options for jobs.. i dunno if any of them will work out, but i'm hoping one of them will. because i'm *so* done with where i'm working now.. it's like, living hell. (well, not quite, but you get the picture. haha)

.. and i think i about covered the majority of my life. work and school. oh. so. exciting. =p

"stop saying that we're invincible."

"and honestly, i have been begging for answers.."

"no excuses, the time for change is here and now."

"maybe i've been the problem, maybe i'm the one to blame"

"join the fight to save your life"

"it's not faith if you use your eyes."

"let's be more than this."



"and i'll have you know, i'm scared to death."

breakdown - forever the sickest kids

When was the last time you talked to me?
Seriously
I feel like I don't even know you
And I would rather me leave
Than stay and watch you make a fool of me

You might as well leave
You might as well let me know now
You might as well go, go, go
I never wanna see your face round here anymore
Cause it's a breakdown, a breakdown
Where do we go from here?
It's a breakdown, a breakdown

You know that I'd be lying
If I said I wasn't getting quite bored of you yet
And your consistent nagging
And your constant state of panic
Is unnecessary stress for me

You're the tip, tip, tip-top of the charts
You're the best thing I've ever done
And the reality is that I wrote this song for you

You might as well leave
You might as well let me know now
You might as well go, go, go
I never wanna see your face round here anymore
Cause it's a breakdown, a breakdown
Where do we go from here?
It's a breakdown, a breakdown

When wood floors meet high heels
And shadows form from chandeliers
When wood floors meet high heels
And shadows form from chandeliers

You might as well leave
You might as well let me know now
You might as well go, go, go
I never wanna see your face round here anymore
Cause it's a breakdown, a breakdown
Where do we go from here?
It's a breakdown, a breakdown

-----------------------

this song is currently stuck in my head.. not sure why. hah.

i've decided that this is no longer my soul-baring blog. i realized recently that it isn't the smartest thing to do on the internet. hah.

i was going to write a long blog though.. but my mind just went blank. oh well.

today is a good day.

the end.

don't read this. [very emo rant inclosed]

in the end - linkin park

(It starts with)
One thing / I don’t know why
It doesn’t even matter how hard you try
Keep that in mind / I designed this rhyme
To explain in due time
All I know
time is a valuable thing
Watch it fly by as the pendulum swings
Watch it count down to the end of the day
The clock ticks life away
It’s so unreal
Didn’t look out below
Watch the time go right out the window
Trying to hold on / but didn’t even know
Wasted it all just to
Watch you go
I kept everything inside and even though I tried / it all fell apart
What it meant to me / will eventually / be a memory / of a time when I tried so hard
And got so far
But in the end
It doesn't even matter
I had to fall
To lose it all
But in the end
It doesn't even matter
One thing / I don’t know why
It doesn’t even matter how hard you try
Keep that in mind / I designed this rhyme
To remind myself how
I tried so hard
In spite of the way you were mocking me
Acting like I was part of your property
Remembering all the times you fought with me
I’m surprised it got so (far)
Things aren’t the way they were before
You wouldn’t even recognize me anymore
Not that you knew me back then
But it all comes back to me
In the end
You kept everything inside and even though I tried / it all fell apart
What it meant to me / will eventually / be a memory / of a time when I tried so hard
And got so far
But in the end
It doesn’t even matter
I had to fall
To lose it all
But in the end
It doesn’t even matter
I've put my trust in you
Pushed as far as I can go
For all this
There’s only one thing you should know
I've put my trust in you
Pushed as far as I can go
For all this
There’s only one thing you should know
I tried so hard
And got so far
But in the end
It doesn’t even matter
I had to fall
To lose it all
But in the end
It doesn’t even matter


--------------------

i've felt the urge to blog since sunday night.. i dunno why i've been putting it off. i think it might just be that i have too much in my brain that i can't even begin to formulate it into words to put on this blog. hah.

*sigh*

i guess i'll start with this weekend..
friday, i babysat all day (got lots off moolah!), then went pretty much immidiatly to Planet Wisdom. it was fun.. a good weekend. learned some things. i think i liked last years better though.. not sure why. the weekend's them was that God is the potter and we are the clay, and He's forming us and such. i got to go up on stage with the skit guys on friday night and do sound effects for one of their skits.. was pretty fun. learned, from that, that i should just bring my dad along to any concert/conference that i want to go up stage for... (because went i went up on stage with 11t7, my dad was there too) haha. i think the main thing i learned throughout the conference was to not rush my relationship with Christ. i think that's why i've gotten so burned with it in the past (as you can see by reading several of my previous posts..). i've just rushed headlong into it all and trying to make this big, huge commitment, when i'm really not ready for that. sometimes i have a hard enough time even believing He exists.. so it's really hard for me to dedicate my life to this God. so i'm easing into it. i'm easing into praying, easing into following. we'll see how well it works.. =/
on sunday was church (yay babysitting! hah.) and then my older sister's 21st birthday party... then babysitting at church again for a bible study. very exciting stuff.
the rest of this week has been pretty much normal, boring stuff. work and school and procrastinating... eh.


my mind's a mess tonight. i've been okay pretty much since thursday night and my little slip-up. but i'm starting to feel down again. and i hope others are starting to cheer up. hah.
to explain further: it seems like everytime i'm in a good/great/fantastic mood, the people around me are depressed/having a bad day/feeling generally emo. take tonight at bible study, for example. we were talking about how are weeks had went, and my week had gone fine - pretty good actually. everybody else's weeks were crappy. and it seems like that happens really often. whenever i'm happy, everybody else is not. i'm starting to believe that maybe i'm destined to be depressed just so that everybody else can be happy. tonight i just want to shout: "okay, everybody, you can go back to your normal, happy selves. because i'm feeling emo again."
okay, so.. i know that it's not really true. but that's how i honestly feel right now. i feel like crap. ugh. i hate this. *sigh*
i feel even worse because i feel like this. i shouldn't feel like this.. my life is good.. there are tons of people who would kill to have a life like mine. (stable, parents still together, school, a job, a group of "friends".. etc.) yet i'm never satisfied with the life i have. ugh. >_<

i feel bad too.. about my bible study group. tonight all three of the others were pouring out their hearts and such.. and the group seems so close knit. but i can't bring myself to bring my problems out in the open.. like i don't trust them all well enough. and i know it's bad of me, but i feel like my problems wouldn't be important to them - or that they wouldn't be able to relate. (all three of them are girly-type girls who are generally happy all the time and generally tend to not wear black and like pink. hah. opposite of me..)

dragons and lollipops. i hate myself for all this emo ranting. i hate it. i wish i could be.. ugh. all these things that i could spend hours listing. *sigh*

i procrastinate too much too. like, i'm way behind in a couple of subjects in school.. that's one of the main reasons my mom's been yelling at me so much lately. so it's partly my fault.. but i can't help but want to turn the tables back on her.. *sigh*

i think that's enough ranting.
i rant too much as it is. *sigh*



if you read all of this: i'm really sorry. you shouldn't have.

but, on the upside, i'm feeling a bit better. hah.
blogging really is good for the soul...

come all you weary - thrice

Come all you weary with your heavy loads
Lay down your burdens find rest for your souls
Cause my yoke is easy and my burden is kind
I’ll take yours upon me and you can take mine

Come all you weary move through the earth
Surrounded by rest stones and kicked out of church
A couple of loaves sit down at my feet
Lend me your ears and break bread with me

Come all you weary
Come gather round near me
Find rest for your souls
(By the rest stones)

Come all you weary, crippled you lay
I’ll help you along you can lay down your canes
We’ve got a long way to go but we’ll travel as friends
The lights growing bright further on towards the end

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i've been meaning to check out thrice for quite a while now.. and i finally did. and i'm very glad i did. gah.. they're amazing.. the music, the lyrics, all of it.
this song is my favorite of the ones i've heard so far.
it's from a Bible verse, in Matthew, i'm pretty sure.
it encourages me so much.
today was a struggle for me. i don't know why. it was just one of those days.. hit after hit. more lame arguments with my mom. i couldn't seem to concentrate on anything.. i did something i said i wouldn't do again.. and it was all-together just a bad day.
but it's very comforting to have Someone to go to.. no matter when or where.. ♥
and it's also very comforting to have someone who's not God to go to. you know who you are. thank you.



this weekend is going to be very busy..
babysitting all day tomorrow. (literally, all day, something like 8:45-4)
then coming home and practically turning around and leaving for Planet Wisdom.
Planet Wisdom friday night and saturday.
then church sunday morning, and a party for my sister on sunday night.
i'm going to be dead (not literally) on monday. =p

brand new day - fireflight

I'm waking up
The world is turning
The sun is shining again
I'm holding on
To things I shouldn't
It's time to let them go
I've been on a losing streak
Hit so hard I couldn't speak
But when I hear Your voice it fades away

And I can hear You say
It's a brand new day
The pain goes away
I'm headed for the door
And I'm going home
I'm going home
I'm going home
I'm going home

Your love, it burns
Away my darkness
You guide me when I'm blind
You are the light
That shines inside me
Showing me I'm
So much more
When I've been on a losing streak
Hit so hard I couldn't speak
But when I hear Your voice it fades away

Take me into Your arms
My home lies within Your heart

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I really like the whole idea of living life one day at a time. I think all to often we try to take so much on, and plan so much, and focus so much on the future, that we forget about today. and in all reality, today is what matters. today is what we should live for - because we *never* know about tomorrow. for all we know, we could be dead tomorrow.
so that's what i'm starting to do. i get so worried and exhausted when i think about the future and all the things i'm going to have to deal with.. but when i just focus on today, i'm okay.
today... is such an important word.
today... i'm going to focus on being happy.
today... i'm not going to cut.
today... i'm going to eat healthy.
today... i'm going to exercise.
today... i'm going to trust God with what He's doing with me.
today... i'm going to do the best that i can do.

tomorrow's another story. i don't know what will come.

but today, i am okay.

'faith is moving without knowing'

i really enjoy not feeling emo. it's a wonderful feeling. ^_^

today's been a good day. let's hope it stays that way. hah.


Yan and Ruslan (from Everfound) made a music video for "Here In Your Arms" by hellogoodbye.

it makes me smile.


in your arms



oh, and i changed my blog url.

it's now 'iamunbreakable' instead of 'feelsopeachy'.

my parents frustrate me a bit.

-_-'

recall - brave saint saturn

It was all about acceleration
All for notoriety
All about the destination
Driven by my own abilities
Rocket shuttered screamed and then fell away
Lift this juggernaut into the sky
Radio waves in the frozen night
Spelling "I miss you"

Like a flicker of light
In the back of my mind
And it all comes back to me
Like an overdue sunrise
It all comes back to me

There's nothing like complete exhaustion
The atrophy of complete defeat
The feeling of the world upon my shoulders
And realizing I am incomplete
Well there's a lot of freedom in failure
Of recklessness of weightless abandonment
I remember light coming through stained glass
And it reminds me

I remember Your love
Being better than life
When it all comes back to me
I will sing in the shadows
When it all comes back
When it all comes back
When it all comes back
To me

----------------

today, i was reading a blog that i read, and one of her most recent posts was about her "must-haves". it inspired me, and i'm going to post mine.

people who i trust and who trust me - you know, the ones you can talk to about anything and who love you for who you are (and who you will become). they're very few and far in between.. but when i find them, they are priceless to me.

pop-punk - it's cookie-cutter and cliche, all-together too happy.. but i love it. it's like cookie dough for the soul. it's the only music i can listen to anytime, anywhere. i mean, i like other genres (like country, rap, screamo/hxc) but i have to be in the right mood for them.

the mountains (a constant reminder of God's greatness) - i get sad when i don't look at them for awhile. i love being able to look beyond the street in front of me and see the mountains stretching out beyond the horizen.

the stars - they give me hope. and hope is vital to my existance on this planet.

alone time - when i spend too much time with people, i get really exhausted. physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. my time alone is very precious to me.. time with just me and God. time to sort out my thoughts.

my guitar - the time when i feel most like myself is when i'm playing that thing. it's the thing that makes me feel most alive. ♥

you - crazy enough to spend time reading this.. my jumbled up and all together confusing (and emo) thoughts. it means a lot to me to know that you care enough about me to read this.

i think that's it. yeah...

'don't drop your arms, i'll guard your heart, with quiet words i'll lead you in'

who will you.. love?
who will you.. trust?
where is home?
what hardships.. will you face?
what hardships.. will you overcome?
what makes you happy?
what are your passions?
if you could.. do it all over again.. what would you change?
relationships? choice? direction?
what experience would you relive?
what will you achieve?
what will you be remembered for?
don't drop your arms.



i love this song, and video.


my grandma's funeral/life celebration service was yesterday. it was a nice service.

holidays are going to be different now.. =/



i've been feeling really exhausted lately. mentally. physically. emotionally.
it's strange.

*sigh*