don't read this. [very emo rant inclosed]

in the end - linkin park

(It starts with)
One thing / I don’t know why
It doesn’t even matter how hard you try
Keep that in mind / I designed this rhyme
To explain in due time
All I know
time is a valuable thing
Watch it fly by as the pendulum swings
Watch it count down to the end of the day
The clock ticks life away
It’s so unreal
Didn’t look out below
Watch the time go right out the window
Trying to hold on / but didn’t even know
Wasted it all just to
Watch you go
I kept everything inside and even though I tried / it all fell apart
What it meant to me / will eventually / be a memory / of a time when I tried so hard
And got so far
But in the end
It doesn't even matter
I had to fall
To lose it all
But in the end
It doesn't even matter
One thing / I don’t know why
It doesn’t even matter how hard you try
Keep that in mind / I designed this rhyme
To remind myself how
I tried so hard
In spite of the way you were mocking me
Acting like I was part of your property
Remembering all the times you fought with me
I’m surprised it got so (far)
Things aren’t the way they were before
You wouldn’t even recognize me anymore
Not that you knew me back then
But it all comes back to me
In the end
You kept everything inside and even though I tried / it all fell apart
What it meant to me / will eventually / be a memory / of a time when I tried so hard
And got so far
But in the end
It doesn’t even matter
I had to fall
To lose it all
But in the end
It doesn’t even matter
I've put my trust in you
Pushed as far as I can go
For all this
There’s only one thing you should know
I've put my trust in you
Pushed as far as I can go
For all this
There’s only one thing you should know
I tried so hard
And got so far
But in the end
It doesn’t even matter
I had to fall
To lose it all
But in the end
It doesn’t even matter


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i've felt the urge to blog since sunday night.. i dunno why i've been putting it off. i think it might just be that i have too much in my brain that i can't even begin to formulate it into words to put on this blog. hah.

*sigh*

i guess i'll start with this weekend..
friday, i babysat all day (got lots off moolah!), then went pretty much immidiatly to Planet Wisdom. it was fun.. a good weekend. learned some things. i think i liked last years better though.. not sure why. the weekend's them was that God is the potter and we are the clay, and He's forming us and such. i got to go up on stage with the skit guys on friday night and do sound effects for one of their skits.. was pretty fun. learned, from that, that i should just bring my dad along to any concert/conference that i want to go up stage for... (because went i went up on stage with 11t7, my dad was there too) haha. i think the main thing i learned throughout the conference was to not rush my relationship with Christ. i think that's why i've gotten so burned with it in the past (as you can see by reading several of my previous posts..). i've just rushed headlong into it all and trying to make this big, huge commitment, when i'm really not ready for that. sometimes i have a hard enough time even believing He exists.. so it's really hard for me to dedicate my life to this God. so i'm easing into it. i'm easing into praying, easing into following. we'll see how well it works.. =/
on sunday was church (yay babysitting! hah.) and then my older sister's 21st birthday party... then babysitting at church again for a bible study. very exciting stuff.
the rest of this week has been pretty much normal, boring stuff. work and school and procrastinating... eh.


my mind's a mess tonight. i've been okay pretty much since thursday night and my little slip-up. but i'm starting to feel down again. and i hope others are starting to cheer up. hah.
to explain further: it seems like everytime i'm in a good/great/fantastic mood, the people around me are depressed/having a bad day/feeling generally emo. take tonight at bible study, for example. we were talking about how are weeks had went, and my week had gone fine - pretty good actually. everybody else's weeks were crappy. and it seems like that happens really often. whenever i'm happy, everybody else is not. i'm starting to believe that maybe i'm destined to be depressed just so that everybody else can be happy. tonight i just want to shout: "okay, everybody, you can go back to your normal, happy selves. because i'm feeling emo again."
okay, so.. i know that it's not really true. but that's how i honestly feel right now. i feel like crap. ugh. i hate this. *sigh*
i feel even worse because i feel like this. i shouldn't feel like this.. my life is good.. there are tons of people who would kill to have a life like mine. (stable, parents still together, school, a job, a group of "friends".. etc.) yet i'm never satisfied with the life i have. ugh. >_<

i feel bad too.. about my bible study group. tonight all three of the others were pouring out their hearts and such.. and the group seems so close knit. but i can't bring myself to bring my problems out in the open.. like i don't trust them all well enough. and i know it's bad of me, but i feel like my problems wouldn't be important to them - or that they wouldn't be able to relate. (all three of them are girly-type girls who are generally happy all the time and generally tend to not wear black and like pink. hah. opposite of me..)

dragons and lollipops. i hate myself for all this emo ranting. i hate it. i wish i could be.. ugh. all these things that i could spend hours listing. *sigh*

i procrastinate too much too. like, i'm way behind in a couple of subjects in school.. that's one of the main reasons my mom's been yelling at me so much lately. so it's partly my fault.. but i can't help but want to turn the tables back on her.. *sigh*

i think that's enough ranting.
i rant too much as it is. *sigh*



if you read all of this: i'm really sorry. you shouldn't have.

but, on the upside, i'm feeling a bit better. hah.
blogging really is good for the soul...