Charlie Brown: I think I'm afraid to be happy.
Lucy: How can you be afraid to be happy?
Charlie Brown: Because whenever you get too happy, something bad always happens.

It's the truth.

*sigh*

I want to be more than mediocre.

I wish I wasn't so selfish in wanting that.

It just that I'm not *really* good at anything. Oh, I'm okay at guitar, at school, at making graphics, at art, at photography, in theology, in friendship, at my job, the list goes on and on. Everything I do is mediocre. I'm not spectacular, I'm not amazing. I'm just another person passing in existence. I am absolutely terrified that I will never amount to anything. And it's all my own fault. Whenever I try to excell at something, I fail. Miserably. And I hate it. But it never changes. I'm always just okay.

*sigh*

I'm so lame.

Love

I've been thinking a lot about love today - most likely because of the whole Nathan&Stefanie getting married thing.

I'm happy for both of them - I'm very happy. I could see the love in their eyes today. the excitement of getting married... and their excitement for each other made me excited for them.

Someday, I want a guy to look at me the way Nathan looked at Stefanie all of today. That completelyandutterlyinlove, Iwanttobewithyouforeverandeverandever, Ionlyhaveeyesforyou look.

I know I'm too young for it all right now... after all, I'm only fifteen (or will be in a few hours anyway). But I want it. I want it with all my heart. I want someone to love me with all their heart, and have eyes for only me.

But I'm scared it will never happen.. and if it does that I won't be able to receive that love. I've heard over and over that you can not recieve love if you don't love yourself - and I'm not at the point in my life that I can love myself, and I don't know if I ever will.... and I also know that to have someone love me like that, and for me to be able to recieve that love, we're going to need God in the center of that relationship, like I see in Nathan's and Stefanie's.

All the marraige's that I've seen (now, I'm not saying that all marriages, only the one's I've seen) that have truly succeeded, and you can tell that both of the people in the marriagie truly love each other - all of them have God in the center. As the wedding planner was saying this morning, God is the third strand in the braid of marriage.

I need to make God first in my life. I really do. And I haven't, not in a long time.. in fact, I don't know if I ever really have. I believe in him, and love Him with all my heart, but I'm always too concerned with what *I* want, and not what He wants for me... and I need to start working on that, a lot. I need to start working on loving myself so I can accept God's love, and eventually, the man I'm gonna marry's love.

.. I'm excited for that day. It's going to be a long time from now, I'm still way to young.. but I'm excited. And I need to start working on myself.



snapdragons and lollipops.

I hate hormones.