i want you to know - i don't completely hate my life and who i am.
i just have no reason to rant and write about the good things.

we're already dead.

It is currently 11:46, and I just finished cleaning my room because I can't sleep.

I shouldn't be this upset about a concert. But I am... i was really excited for that concert. it would've been my first that wasn't a festival or at a church.. and it was The Classic Crime and it would have been really awesome.
it frustrates me, being told that I can go and then having my hopes dashed at the last minute.

although, i don't think that it's not being able to go to the concert that's really eating at me... but i'm not sure what it is.

maybe it's just that my head's a mess, yet again. my thoughts are all over the place tonight, and i think i'm slipping back into the rut. i almost slipped up tonight, and i'm still seriously considering it, and i haven't slipped up in almost a month. maybe more than a month.

i've been socializing more lately.. which you would think would be a good thing. but i've been feeling more alone. i don't know why. because you would think that by being with people, i would feel less alone then when i actually am alone. but it's more of the opposite. more like i'm figuring out that i'm never going to fit in.. or something along those lines.

i wish i was a couple years older. maybe then getting out of here would be in sight. but maybe it's a good thing that i'm not.. because i feel like you're supposed to have most things figured out by then. and i don't have anything figured out, not by a longshot.

thanksgiving is in a couple days, but i'm feeling less than thankful tonight. as the rocket summer puts it: "and I guess that I'm blessed, but sometimes it's hard to see it as such."


i think the more that i hold it in and pretend that everything's okay, the more twisted up i get.
and it hurts.
i just want to see a light at the end of this tunnel.
i'm tired of falling back into this rut time and time again, but i have no clue how to stop it.

i should go to bed.

the one to hurt you - the becoming

Let’s step out into the night
Darling don’t you dare think twice
I know all about how hard it is to trust someone

In the place where love is found
I can only let you down

I don’t want to be the one to hurt you
Why do I do what I do?
Pushing you away again

Father as I hold your hand
Still holding onto all I have
I hope death will take me over before life lets go

In the place where love is found
I can only let you down
And in the seas of love I drown
But in the depths your face I found

-----------

i should write.
it would do me good.

but i don't have the words.

Tonight the Stars Speak - The Glorious Unseen

Tonight the stars speak of your infinite love
And it serves to remind me
That what I have means nothing at all
Compared to your glory, Oh lord

How long till your voice speaks clearly?
How long till your arms envelop me?
I cry be my strength when I am weak
Oh Lord have mercy on me please

My spirit is willing but my flesh is so weak
I cry in your arms now
God grant me the strength to rest in you
I lift my hands and cry

------------------

I love his lyrics.
It's so much more than the majority of worship music.. which tends to be sugary and fluffy.
I like true honesty in worship - because that's what worship is. being honest with God.
it's terribly important.



i went out to coffee with the youth pastor of the youth group i've been going to the past couple weeks this afternoon.. had a good conversation. i actually talked about some things out loud with someone face to face. it was a huge step for me.. no joke. i haven't had an honest conversation like that in rl in a long time. and we didn't even dig too deep.. and i still held back quite a bit (which i somewhat regret).. but.. it was good. he's a cool guy. even though i'm not to big on the youth group.. but i'm going because i know i need to. because i don't really get anything out of my church. i mean, i love it a lot and the people are awesome.. but i don't connect there. and i haven't connected at this youth group either yet.. and i don't know if i will. but i know i have to try being with people around my age because i'm terribly miserable being by myself all the time.

"the sky was blue yesterday but today it turned the darkest shade of grey" - a rotterdam november

pretty much.
but i really don't want to turn this blog into one about politics.
i'm tired of politics.
so i'm not going to talk about politics.



i turned sixteen yesterday.
weird.
i'm old.
but.. i'm not.
i'm really young.

i'm just plumb full of contradictions.
hah.

Sorry - Fate of Angels

This is for
Feelings met at sundown
Feelings that can wash away your.. fear
And I admit, I haven't let them in at all
Waiting for the moment to just.. clear

This time I think I'm going to get this right
There's no reasons, no reasons to fight

I'm so sorry
Plead for angels
To rescue me from myself again
And I've been angry
Please forgive me
For giving up on myself again

This is for
Every single broken heart
The ones that beg us just to let them.. be
And I admit, I have surely done my part
I am not the guy I dreamed to be

This time I think we're going to get this right
There's no reasons, no reasons to fight

I'm waiting.

I'm so sorry
Plead for angels
To rescue me from myself again
And I've been angry
Please forgive me
For giving up on myself again

Take every little reason
That keeps me from believing
There is something more
I'm laying down on the floor
This apology is straining
For something that's worth saving
Everything means nothing but these words I pray

I'm so sorry
Plead for angels
To rescue me from myself again
And I've been angry
Please forgive me
For giving up on myself again

God, I'm tired of falling away
Nothing now can ever be the same
You can make this right

God, I'm waiting for You to move
I don't have anything left to use
You can make this right.


-------------

I love the small bands.
The unsigned, mostly unheard of ones.
The ones that still have passion for what they do, and passion for those they meet.


The music business is made of epic fail.
I used to want to have something to do with it.. but no more. At least, not the big, commercialized one.
I do still want to have something to do with the small concerts, and the small bands, and the passion. I don't want any part of the greed and lies and stupidity.
I want to help make those small, passionate bands popular without a stupid, thieving label. I want to make the small, cheap concerts popular.
Because they're the best.


this band, that I posted the lyrics from.. omu. they're amazing. incredibly nice guys (even though I really only talked to one of them..), incredibly amazing music.
i'm pretty sure this song of theirs is my favorite.. but their song "Suffering" (which is dedicated to all the girls who are slaves in the sex-trafficking industry) is a close second.

yeah.