we're already dead.

It is currently 11:46, and I just finished cleaning my room because I can't sleep.

I shouldn't be this upset about a concert. But I am... i was really excited for that concert. it would've been my first that wasn't a festival or at a church.. and it was The Classic Crime and it would have been really awesome.
it frustrates me, being told that I can go and then having my hopes dashed at the last minute.

although, i don't think that it's not being able to go to the concert that's really eating at me... but i'm not sure what it is.

maybe it's just that my head's a mess, yet again. my thoughts are all over the place tonight, and i think i'm slipping back into the rut. i almost slipped up tonight, and i'm still seriously considering it, and i haven't slipped up in almost a month. maybe more than a month.

i've been socializing more lately.. which you would think would be a good thing. but i've been feeling more alone. i don't know why. because you would think that by being with people, i would feel less alone then when i actually am alone. but it's more of the opposite. more like i'm figuring out that i'm never going to fit in.. or something along those lines.

i wish i was a couple years older. maybe then getting out of here would be in sight. but maybe it's a good thing that i'm not.. because i feel like you're supposed to have most things figured out by then. and i don't have anything figured out, not by a longshot.

thanksgiving is in a couple days, but i'm feeling less than thankful tonight. as the rocket summer puts it: "and I guess that I'm blessed, but sometimes it's hard to see it as such."


i think the more that i hold it in and pretend that everything's okay, the more twisted up i get.
and it hurts.
i just want to see a light at the end of this tunnel.
i'm tired of falling back into this rut time and time again, but i have no clue how to stop it.

i should go to bed.