i adore to write love on her arms
mainly for the sheer fact that they are a huge part of the reason i am still alive today.

two bands staying at my house in two weeks?
life is so weird.

i think i'm going to take up yoga.
and maybe start eating more vegetables and fruit.
yoga first though.

why the hell am i back in the dark already again?

i mean, i should still be on the wave of excitement over last night. because last night was amazing. a highlight of my week, of my month, of my summer, of my year, of my life. the showbread guys are fantastic people and i had a blast hanging out with them.

but most of it is gone already. i'm irratable and fake and stupid all over again. and i know it's just going to get worse and spiral down and down..

i really wish i could be one of those naturally optimistic people. those who see the light even when it's dark.
i wish i could believe in God like the guys of Showbread do. they're so honest about it, and it's so natural with them. unlike most everyone else i meet, who makes it stilted and fake and forced.

i don't know what to do.

no fear no doubt i've bottomed out i've lost myself i'm letting go
no pride no me i've set them free i've lost my mind and now i know
no pain no death they're put to rest we leave them here we close the door
no earth no man, now take my hand nothing matters anymore
-showbread, nothing matters anymore

omu.
omu.
omu.
omu.
omu.

freaking out. in both the good and bad way.

this girl is amazing.

you're using your headphones to drown out your mind

something is wrong with me.
and i want to know what the hell it is.

i get triggered by the simplest of things. i fall down time and time again after nothing. why does depression overcome me in such ways? I HATE IT. no matter how hard i try, i can't work things out. i can't change this. it always creeps up on me at the worst of times. right when i begin to feel that things might be okay for once. i'm plagued by a constant nothingness. a constant nagging in the back of my mind that i will never amount to anything. my life is worthless. my life is meaningless. and i'm beginning to not care anymore. i've fought it for so long and it always comes back. where's that light at the end of the tunnel that everybody always talks about? where's MY light? because i just keep on hitting trains, again and again. i'm so tired. i'm just so tired of it all. if i could be anyone these days, i'd be someone different. just so i wouldn't be this awful mess of me. i'm lost. i have no direction. i don't know what the hell i'm doing here. i don't know where i'm going. I DON'T KNOW. i'm finished with all this chaos, all these ticking clocks in my head. driving me crazy with every second.

i've been plagued with jealosy lately. everyone, everything. no matter if it matters or is just a trivial thing, i want it. i want to be happy. i want to have friends who actually care about how i'm doing and know that i'm not fine when i say that i am. i want to be able to take excellent pictures. i wanted to be able to take my slr to the concert yesterday. i wanted so badly to go to warped tour today. i want so badly to find somewhere i belong. want, want, want. do i really need any of it? i'm beginning to find that i am a selfish, stupid, materialistic person. all i really need is air to breathe and food to eat. yet i yearn for everything else. everything that i think will fill me up.

i want to be passionate. i want to believe in God, and actually believe in Him everyday. i want to feel Him and love Him and belong to Him. but everytime i search i come up empty. am i just not searching hard enough? is anybody ever complete, or am i just not good at believing? am i just a failure at this whole thing? is it terrible that i find it all ridiculous after awhile? because i can't help but wonder if He's really listening. if all these fucked-up people in this fucked-up world will ever really care. if anybody truly represents Him the way He should be represented. did i ever really believe? because right now i'm so messed up i don't even know. i just know that i'm lost, and i can't be found.
i'm so terribly lost.

does it even matter in the end if we're unhappy? because i am most certainly unhappy. i can't find it. i can't find the answers. and i'm so tired of looking for them. i'm so tired of looking. i'm so tired of searching and never finding. i'm tired of rollercoasters and spinning planets.

i'm so tired of saying the word "i".


the more you struggle, the more you fight it,
the more it clings to you at night.
the more you wonder, the ore you dream,
the more you pray it starts to die.
and it does, though it kicks you in the side..
yes it does, though it takes a little time..
-noah gundersen, moss on a rolling stone