why the hell am i back in the dark already again?

i mean, i should still be on the wave of excitement over last night. because last night was amazing. a highlight of my week, of my month, of my summer, of my year, of my life. the showbread guys are fantastic people and i had a blast hanging out with them.

but most of it is gone already. i'm irratable and fake and stupid all over again. and i know it's just going to get worse and spiral down and down..

i really wish i could be one of those naturally optimistic people. those who see the light even when it's dark.
i wish i could believe in God like the guys of Showbread do. they're so honest about it, and it's so natural with them. unlike most everyone else i meet, who makes it stilted and fake and forced.

i don't know what to do.

no fear no doubt i've bottomed out i've lost myself i'm letting go
no pride no me i've set them free i've lost my mind and now i know
no pain no death they're put to rest we leave them here we close the door
no earth no man, now take my hand nothing matters anymore
-showbread, nothing matters anymore