i just don't care anymore.

You Found Me - The Fray

I found God
On the corner of First and Amistad
Where the west
Was all but won
All alone
Smoking his last cigarette
I said, Where you been?
He said, Ask anything.

Where were you
When everything was falling apart?
All my days
Were spent by the telephone
That never rang
And all I needed was a call
It never came
To the corner of First and Amistad

Lost and insecure
You found me, you found me
Lying on the floor
Surrounded, surrounded
Why’d you have to wait?
Where were you, where were you?
Just a little late
You found me, You found me

In the end
Everyone ends up alone
Losing her
The only one who’s ever known
Who I am
Who I’m not, and who I want to be
No way to know
How long she will be next to me

Lost and insecure
You found me, you found me
Lying on the floor
Surrounded, surrounded
Why’d you have to wait?
Where were you, where were you?
Just a little late
You found me, You found me

Early morning
The city breaks
I’ve been calling
For years and years and years and years
And you never left me no messages
You never sent me no letters
You got some kind of nerve
Taking all I want

Lost and insecure
You found me, you found me
Lying on the floor
Where were you, where were you?

Lost and insecure
You found me, you found me
Lying on the floor
Surrounded, surrounded
Why’d you have to wait?
Where were you, where were you?
Just a little late
You found me, You found me

Why’d you have to wait
To find me, to find me?

------------

I've been listening to this song quite a lot the past couple of days.


I'm ready for a new year. Ready to put this year behind me.
It was a year full of a lot of hurt. I did a lot of things that I didn't want to do.
Don't get me wrong, there were good times.. but the hurt has made those good times fade.

I'm going to head into the new year with open eyes and an open mind. Take things as they come.



as for the reason I made my blog private..
i found out that my mother had it bookmarked, and both my sisters have been reading my blog. and for some reason, that totally creeps me out. so it's open to invited readers only now.
:p

Sam: It's like in the great stories, Mr. Frodo. The ones that really mattered. Full of darkness and danger, they were. And sometimes you didn't want to know the end. Because how could the end be happy? How could the world go back to the way it was when so much bad had happened? But in the end, it's only a passing thing, this shadow. Even darkness must pass. A new day will come. And when the sun shines it will shine out the clearer. Those were the stories that stayed with you. That meant something, even if you were too small to understand why. But I think, Mr. Frodo, I do understand. I know now. Folk in those stories had lots of chances of turning back, only they didn't. They kept going. Because they were holding on to something.

Frodo: What are we holding on to Sam?

Sam: That there's some good in this world, Mr. Frodo... and it's worth fighting for.

i want you to know - i don't completely hate my life and who i am.
i just have no reason to rant and write about the good things.

we're already dead.

It is currently 11:46, and I just finished cleaning my room because I can't sleep.

I shouldn't be this upset about a concert. But I am... i was really excited for that concert. it would've been my first that wasn't a festival or at a church.. and it was The Classic Crime and it would have been really awesome.
it frustrates me, being told that I can go and then having my hopes dashed at the last minute.

although, i don't think that it's not being able to go to the concert that's really eating at me... but i'm not sure what it is.

maybe it's just that my head's a mess, yet again. my thoughts are all over the place tonight, and i think i'm slipping back into the rut. i almost slipped up tonight, and i'm still seriously considering it, and i haven't slipped up in almost a month. maybe more than a month.

i've been socializing more lately.. which you would think would be a good thing. but i've been feeling more alone. i don't know why. because you would think that by being with people, i would feel less alone then when i actually am alone. but it's more of the opposite. more like i'm figuring out that i'm never going to fit in.. or something along those lines.

i wish i was a couple years older. maybe then getting out of here would be in sight. but maybe it's a good thing that i'm not.. because i feel like you're supposed to have most things figured out by then. and i don't have anything figured out, not by a longshot.

thanksgiving is in a couple days, but i'm feeling less than thankful tonight. as the rocket summer puts it: "and I guess that I'm blessed, but sometimes it's hard to see it as such."


i think the more that i hold it in and pretend that everything's okay, the more twisted up i get.
and it hurts.
i just want to see a light at the end of this tunnel.
i'm tired of falling back into this rut time and time again, but i have no clue how to stop it.

i should go to bed.

the one to hurt you - the becoming

Let’s step out into the night
Darling don’t you dare think twice
I know all about how hard it is to trust someone

In the place where love is found
I can only let you down

I don’t want to be the one to hurt you
Why do I do what I do?
Pushing you away again

Father as I hold your hand
Still holding onto all I have
I hope death will take me over before life lets go

In the place where love is found
I can only let you down
And in the seas of love I drown
But in the depths your face I found

-----------

i should write.
it would do me good.

but i don't have the words.

Tonight the Stars Speak - The Glorious Unseen

Tonight the stars speak of your infinite love
And it serves to remind me
That what I have means nothing at all
Compared to your glory, Oh lord

How long till your voice speaks clearly?
How long till your arms envelop me?
I cry be my strength when I am weak
Oh Lord have mercy on me please

My spirit is willing but my flesh is so weak
I cry in your arms now
God grant me the strength to rest in you
I lift my hands and cry

------------------

I love his lyrics.
It's so much more than the majority of worship music.. which tends to be sugary and fluffy.
I like true honesty in worship - because that's what worship is. being honest with God.
it's terribly important.



i went out to coffee with the youth pastor of the youth group i've been going to the past couple weeks this afternoon.. had a good conversation. i actually talked about some things out loud with someone face to face. it was a huge step for me.. no joke. i haven't had an honest conversation like that in rl in a long time. and we didn't even dig too deep.. and i still held back quite a bit (which i somewhat regret).. but.. it was good. he's a cool guy. even though i'm not to big on the youth group.. but i'm going because i know i need to. because i don't really get anything out of my church. i mean, i love it a lot and the people are awesome.. but i don't connect there. and i haven't connected at this youth group either yet.. and i don't know if i will. but i know i have to try being with people around my age because i'm terribly miserable being by myself all the time.