it's gonna sound like i'm on drugs.

but i'm really not. but i always sound like i'm on drugs when i'm in a radsome mood.
and i'm in a radsome mood right now. =D

first of all..
ELEVENTYSEVEN IS GOING TO BE IN COLORADO ON AUGUST 17TH!!
i'm going. somehow, and someway. i will be there. and i'm excited.

and it's raining right now. it's wonderful. it smells amazing. and i was dancing in it a couple minutes ago. i love rain. it's like.. a new start. washing everything away, and giving the earth a new chance. i dunno. hah.

this isn't a serious blog. i'm not even gonna try.
because all to often i get into that serious rut and everything i say is serious and depressing and blah blah blah. i think all to often we forget to sit back and look at life and just enjoy it for what it is and not worry about all the stupid silly things that don't matter anyhow.
i mean, yeah there are a lot of serious things that need to be taken into account.. but all to often we (or at least i) get too caught up in them and forget to take a breather.

on a random note: Superchic[k]'s lates cd, Rock What You Got, is awesome. you should buy it and listen to it.
on another random note: i really like happy music. screamo is depressing.

i love you!
(yes, you who are reading this right now. you're awesome)

i got an electric guitar!

it makes me happy.

it's kinda a crappy, cheapy one (a Fender Starcaster). but i didn't have to pay anything -i traded my crappy, cheapy bass for it. so it's okay.
i have to figure out all the settings and such.. because it sounds like it's not tuned when it is.
yeah. =]

101st post!

lightning is amazing.
i'm currently watching it flash across the sky as i'm watch the rain slide down the window.

it makes me think about how amazingly creative God is. i mean... rain is such a strange thing. it's so incredibly amazing. God is so incredibly amazing. i dunno.. i haven't felt this way about God in such a long time. but right now i'm just in awe of who He is.

it's a pretty amazing feeling.
and i think i'm overusing the word 'amazing'. =p

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crawl - superchic[k]

How long will this take?
How much can I go through?
My heart, my soul aches
I don’t know what to do
I bend, but don’t break
Somehow I’ll get through
Cause I have You

And if I had to crawl
Well You’d crawl too
I stumble and I fall
Carry me through
The wonder of it all
Is You see me through

O Lord, where are you?
Do not forget me here
I cry in silence
Can you not see my tears
When all have left me
And hope has disappeared
You’ll find me here

When everything I was is lost
I have forgot, but You have not
When I am lost, You have not lost me
You have not lost me

Behind the Song:
"One critic wrote the following about our album, Beauty from Pain:

“The songwriting seems more vapid, despite the personalized approach, with most songs merely offering a message of ‘we all hurt, but hold on because it’ll get better.’”

I think this critic missed the second half of the message: “Hold on, it will get better. You are not alone, God is with you.” This is not vapid; there is a place below bottom where that is the only message that makes any sense. A friend called me to let me know about his baby birth, but as he asked me to pray, he choked up, unable to get the words out to tell me that his son was born with Down syndrome. I’ve watched mute and helpless while friends have lost family members to cancer. I’ve personally been to the dark place where suicide seems like the only way out. In those times, when our hearts have broken and are overflowing with grief, we don’t need clever theology or smart slogans. All we need is the fundamental core truth of it all...that God has not left us - and though we may have lost hope and lost ourselves and lost everything, He has not lost us.

“How long, O Lord, will you forget me forever? How long will you hide your face from me? How long must I take counsel in my soul and have sorrow in my heart all day?” Psalm 13:1-2" - Max Hsu (Superchick)

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i visited my old youth group tonight.
well, it's not technically my old youth group.. because we left that church before i was even in youth group. six months before to be exact.
but i went and saw some of my old friends.. most of the youth group i didn't know.. but it was nice seeing them again.
it's amazing how God can turn incredibly hurtful situations into amazing results. like in leaving that church.. that was incredibly hard for me. when you're in fifth/sixth grade you don't really truly understand it all... all i understood really was that i had to leave my friends, and my safe haven for pretty much all my life. (except for the one year we left to plant castle pines and then left and went to another couple churches and then returned to fb). but now that i look back on it.. it was a good thing. a very good thing. i would *never* have grown in Christ if i had stayed there. i would be goofing of with my friends like they were doing tonight. the youth pastor - brian - did a wonderful lesson. and i felt really bad for him, because most of the youth group wasn't paying any attention at all. he wasn't getting any of the respect he deserves. it makes me really sad... the whole youth group thing. i wish they could take things seriously every once in awhile.
my whole life has revolved around church - not gonna lie. my parents have always been involved in ministry, and i've grown up getting to church early and leaving late. that's what i'm accustumed to. and it's not a bad thing either. but church is where some of my biggest hurts have come from. but it's okay. i'm beginning to see how much God has used these hurts to make me who i am today - a better person. a person i would never have been if i had still been there. i never would have met so many amazing people. i never would have had the deperation that has led me to a true relationship with Christ. i never would have been who i am. i wouldn't be in the wonderful place that i am right now.

point blank, Jesus Christ is amazing and i would not be in this place that i am, much less alive, right now if it were not for Him.
people can go on and on all they want about how He isn't real and blah blah blah.. but i know it isn't true. i know it with all my heart.
He is real. and He is personal.
He is my savior, my king, and my everything.

He is helping me live with passion. He is helping me conquer my galaxy.

the end.

We Believe - Good Charlotte

There's a woman crying out tonight.
Her world has changed.
She asked God why
Her only son has died and now her daughter cries.
She can't sleep at night.

Downtown, another day for all the suits and ties,
Another war to fight; there's no regard for life.
How can they sleep at night?
How can we make things right?
Just want to make things right...

We believe (6x)
In this love.

We are all the same.
Human in all our ways and all our pain.
(So let it be)
There's a love that could fall down like rain
(Let us see)
Let forgiveness wash away the pain
(What we need)
And no one really knows what they are searching for
(We believe)
This world is crying for so much more.

We believe (6x)
In this love.

So this world is too much for you to take,
Just lay it down and follow me.
I'll be everything you need in every way.

We believe (6x)
In this love.

---------------

it is true. Good Charlotte does have some amazing songs. like this one.

i think this song really speaks my heart right now.
i was browsing through the twloha street team forums.. and it made me realize.. my problems aren't unique. everybody goes through hurting. everybody searches for something more at one point in their life. but believing - believing in love. and believing that God is love.. that gives life a purpose. that gives life a meaning. if nothing but loving, and being Jesus to the world. showing people that there is something more than hopelessness.

love is such a powerful thing.

resurrect me - jon foreman

It takes a long time to kill a man
Fifty-five years at least
Until he breaks down
Starts to look underground
And go off and get him some peace

I want to die a lot quicker than that
If it's my only way out
I've been counting up the cost
Getting up on that cross
Wanna know what this is all about

Father time
Steals our days
Like a thief
There's no Price
That I wouldn't pay
To get some relief
I've become
The empy shell
Of a man I like so well
I am a living, breathing hell
Come on and resurrect me

I tried to drown the pain with a friend of mine
It didn't seem to help
Oh, she's got a pretty face with a wedding lace
But I'm still waking up with myself

I know what it means to choke it down
Driving 'til your legs get weak
I know what it's like on a Saturday night
To be alone in a crowded street

Father time
Steals our days
Like a thief
There's no Price
That I haven't paid
To get some relief
I've become
The shell of a man
I can't begin to even understand
Have I forgotten who I am?
Come on and resurrect me
Resurrect me
Resurrect me
Resurrect me
Resurrect me
Resurrect me
Come on and resurrect me

--------------------------------------

passion.
it's something that i want so very much.
lately i've been browsing blogs.. and i've found three that i really enjoy. all three are written by girls who are taking charge of their lives.. who are pursuing Christ and trying to better the world around them. it's girls like those that i want to be like. the ones who know who they are and know what they want to do. the ones who are confident in who they are - who they are in Christ. the ones who have passion - passion for life.
i envy those girls. the ones who seem to have it all figured out - or at least, just the important parts. or they're faking it extremely well. i wish i could at least fake it.
i want passion. i want to know who i am. i want to be confident in who i am and who i am in Christ. i want to be excited about life.
i honestly can't remember when i was really, truly excited for life. oh, sure, i have those moments.. but they all come crashing down the moment things don't go away the way i planned. oh, to have a lasting joy... a joy from Christ. a joy that's not so fickle as i am.
truth is, i'm struggling with God.. terribly much right now. when i actually believe that he's real, i have a hard time believing he cares. when i believe he cares, i have a hard time believing he cares about me.. it seems concieted and superficial that he should care about me. there's so many other people so much more deserving - so much more needing of that love. i dunno. i think i need to actually start trying more. and put to practice on the inside what i put out to the people around me.
it's hard. when it seems like the people around me could care less what i'm feeling. my parents for one.. it just seems like they're only half-listening to me when i talk. that frustrates me. it bothers me how nobody cares to get to know me - the real me. not the face i put on. nobody bothers to go any deeper than that. it's so superficial. my heart is aching for something more than this shallowness. and it's partly my fault.. mostly because i put on this apathetic face and pretend i don't want love. but shouldn't it be obvious? i mean.. everybody wants love. everybody *needs* love.
it's hard to have passion in a world of apathy. seems like everybody's drowning in self-pity. including me. hah. that's why i'm sitting here typing this blog. because i have nothing better to do because i block people out.. even though i really don't. because nobody tries. so i just pretend.
it was weird, the other day, after church i believe.. i was talking with some people, and somehow the topic of horses came up. and i said i love horses - because i do. i LOVE horses. i haven't ridden in forever though.. i need to go. soon. but, anyway. everybody was really suprised. they were all like "i didn't know that about you". and i was like "well, you never cared enough to ask". i actually didn't say that. i wanted to though. but it's kinda weird how little these people i interact with on a regular basis know so little about me. it's weird how much everyone i know knows so little about me.
and i know.. "you have to be interested in other people before they're interested in you".. but i can't help but just for once for somebody to be interested in me first. for someone to love me without expecting anything back. *sigh*

i'm really lame.
i suck at this trying to write interesting blogs thing.
the end.

i suck at life.

*sigh*

----------------------
i love that song. <3


several of my friends are going through tough things right now.. and it just makes me think. it's strange how one day you can feel on the top of the world, and next you feel like you're suffocating. life throws us these curveballs.. and the best thing we can do is work through them. work through the problems.. and look forward to the next time that we can be on top of the world. if it weren't for these tough times.. we would never have those good times. we would never be able to appreciate those good times. and those good times are what make life worth it. although they are often far and in between.. it's so worth it. so very worth it.

i'm learning "meant to live" by switchfoot on guitar.

it's pretty sweet.



i need a hug.

forever - fireflight

Sometimes I feel so cold
Like I'm waiting around all by myself
Loneliness gets so old
I'm in the lost and found sitting on the shelf
Been stuck for way too long
But I hear Your voice
You're who I'm counting on

Oh, tell me You're here
That You will watch over me forever
Oh, take hold of my heart
Show me You'll love me forever

I know that You can tell
When I start to let my hope fade away
I need to catch myself
Open my ears to hear You calling my name
Been fighting way too long
But I hear Your voice
You had me all along

When I'm starting to drown
You jump in to save me
When my world's upside down
Your hands, they shake me and wake me

---------------------------------

I really need to buy Fireflight's cd's. They are an amazing band.

I talked a lot with my cousin today. it was good.. actually being able to rant to someone face-to-face. he can be kinda a jerk, but we share some of the same rants. so it was kinda cool. i honestly can't remember the last time i did that.. ranting out loud, to a real person. hah. it felt really good. even though it was just my cousin and i really didn't share all that much. =p
wrote a lot in my private journal last night.. stayed up till almost midnight doing it. that felt really good. it's really bad when i keep everything bottled up and don't let it out whatsoever.

i'm currently reading "through painted deserts" by donald miller again. it's a wonderful book... his not-so-serious one. it's the perfect example of what i really want to do after highschool.. at least for a month or two or something. i dunno. i love don's writing style.. he's so.. honest.

random: i love postsecret.

























cheesecake.

Me in 2011?

http://telstarlogistics.typepad.com/photos/uncategorized/2008/05/20/ev03_bob_westfalia.jpg

I hope. =D

'mental, ha, keyword!'

"cause i've been feeling so temperamental, and everybody's thinking 'mental, ha! keyword!'"

i pretty much fail at this whole life thing.

=p

on the sunshine side though, my mom did let me start taking lessons from the teacher i want to.. which is weird. because she was really against me taking lessons from him, 'cause he "looked" scary (he has a hxc, edgy type look). but last week she up and decided that i could take lessons from him.
but she is forcing me to take piano lessons again. which blows. =p

i should prolly put something meaningful in this blog. but i'm not going to.

Vlog #3

Alive - Superchic[k]

Don't bury me - I'm not yet dead
Don't bury me - I'm not yet dead

Don't bury me - I'm not yet dead
Not a walking zombie with no head
Not a stepford wife made to obey
Don't want to go through life that way

I'm alive, I'm alive, that's what I said
I'm alive, I'm alive, gonna live that way
I'm alive, I'm alive, that's what I said
I'm alive and I'm gonna live today

Do robots dream of electric sheep?
I need to live my dreams - not just in my sleep
I've been holed up here - but it's time to leave
I need to make my move while there's air to breathe
Don't give me drugs - no novacaine
I must be alive - 'cause I still feel pain

We were born with wings
We were made to fly
We were meant to live while we're still alive

I'm alive, I'm alive, that's what I said
I'm alive, I'm alive, gonna live that way
I'm alive, I'm alive, that's what I said
I'm alive and I'm gonna live today

I'm alive, I'm alive, that's what I said
I'm alive, I'm alive, gonna live that way
I'm alive, I'm alive, that's what I said
I'm alive and I'm gonna live today

I'm alive, I'm alive, that's what I said
I'm alive, I'm alive, gonna live that way
I'm alive, I'm alive, that's what I said
I'm alive and I'm gonna live today

---------------------

Off of the new record coming out at the end of June.
w00t!
I'm really excited. Superchic[k] has always been one of my favorite bands - they were the reason I got into music, and they were at the first concert I went to. And they're amazing. =D
Anyway... if you want, you can download the song at: http://inpop.com/superchicklovesyou

=]

Alive-ness is good.
I've been feeling alive more and more lately.
mostly, at least. i still have my depressive moments.
but.. yeah.
aliveness.. it's a wonderful feeling.
i'm not exactly sure why. i think i'm just tired of being depressed. it really drags on you after awhile.
it's not like it was a hxc, "i'm going to always be happy and definitly stick to this" choice or anything.. more like, a subconscious choice. a choice to actually start trying at life rather then giving up every chance i get.
which is good.
i've started exercising every day. which is something that i've needed to do for a long time. and it's amazing how good i feel afterwards. i feel very accomplished. hah.

yep.

ooh.. so I might be going to WarpedTour at the end of June! AHH! i'm uber excited. finally seeing Relient K live! =D
and seeing Anberlin, Family Force 5, Forever the Sickest Kids, Between the Trees, among a bunch of other amazing bands. Paramore isn't going to be at the date in Denver though.. =[
speaking of Paramore.. they *are* coming to Denver.. but on the same day as HeavenFest. which is a bummer. because I have to decide if I want to see one of my favorite bands ever (like, they're in my top three), or see a bunch of bands that I like (but aren't my favorites) at HeavenFest. I don't know yet.. because I've been really excited for HeavenFest, but seeing Paramore could quite possibly beat our HeavenFest.
*sigh*
I'm so indecisive. hah.


Ooh.. so I read this really good book recently.. it's called "Butterfly in Brazil". It's by some guy who works at New Life Church down in Colorado Springs. It's really good. You should read it. =D