coming down is calming down - underOATH

Facing forwards, sinking in thin air
Help me to learn, to breath again(2x)
I know I've lost my way
So show me

There are demons inside my head
I always let them win
I always let them win
I have to learn to suffocate them

The lost ask for a hand
But I can't stop, I never stop

I've been losing my footing here
I'm all mixed up in this
I need some kind of change
God make it stop, I can't make it stop
This place is getting smaller

Everything in your darkest thoughts about me might be true
I hear the words you say, I still feel nothing
I put my voice out there for you to hear
But the words never made much sense to you

I've lost my path
I'm fading fast(2x)

Time is short
Time is up

I've been losing my footing here
I'm all mixed up in this
I need some kind of change
God make it stop, I can't make it stop
This place is getting smaller

This is really my plan
To get out in one piece
Is this really your plan
To keep me lost and on my knees

I say redemption(2x)
Can someone help me hold on(2x)

so.
i'm not losing my job.
but i'm going to get one, maybe two shifts a week. and they're only going to be like, an hour and a half in the afternoon.
and it blows.

>_<

I Know the Feeling - The Classic Crime

I know it cuts you inside every time that you try
To take a pathway in life that leaves you so unobliged
Every promise is lies, every smile makes you cry
Leaves you so unalive, so unalive
I wish I could take the fall
Maybe by that I could solve
The problems we're all having
It's been a while since you've felt like you've been home
Your life's just flesh and bone

Your heart is worth more than you know
The one thing that hurts more than your life
Is to wake up one more time alone
It's to wake up one more time alive

So take us in, we'll stop you dead
We'll show you something you won't ever forget
This life's a road, no place is home
My heart's a hole
That needs to constantly be filled with love

This time it's all that I've got
Words hit the page like gunshots
My stomach's left in a knot
My pride is left here to rot
It's been a while since I've felt this restless
By definition it's depressing but I'm alright
It kills to wake up one more time alone
It kills to wake up one more time alive

So take us in, we'll stop you dead
We'll show you something you won't ever forget
This life's a road, no place is home
My heart's a hole
That needs to constantly be filled with love

I know the feeling of being all alone
So let's drink to fact that we're not
I know the feeling of being all alone
So let's drink to fact that we're not

So take us in, we'll stop you dead
We'll show you something you won't ever forget
This life's a road, no place is home
My heart's a hole
That needs to constantly be filled with love

----------------

so.
i might lose my job due to no fault of my own.
pretty much sucks. a lot.
even though i hate it.. i still need a job. and i haven't been able to find a new one, 'cause i've been looking for the past couple months, even before i knew anything about the changes going on at work.

but yeah.
it sucks.
a lot.

golden - switchfoot

(Like freedom in spring)

She's alone tonight with a bitter cup and
She's undone tonight, she's all used up,
She's been staring down the demons
Who've been screaming
She's just another so and so,
Another so and so

You are golden,
You are golden, Child
You are golden,
(Don't let go)
(Don't let go tonight)

There's a fear that burns like trash inside
And your shame of the curse that burns your eyes
You've been hiding in your bedroom,
Hoping this isn't how the story has to go
It's not the way it goes,
It's your book now,

You are golden,
You are golden, Child
You are golden,
(Don't let go)
(Don't let go tonight)

You're a lonely soul in a land of broken hearts
You're far from home, it's a perfect place to start

(Yeah!)
(Burn)
(Burn, Burn!)

So this final verse is a contradiction
And the more we learn the less we know

We've been talkin' about a feeling,
We both know inside but couldn't find the words
I couldn't write this verse,
I've seldom been so sure,
About anything before

Golden,
You are Golden, Child

You are Golden,
(Don't let go)
(Don't let go tonight)

This world is a dead man down (Golden, you are)
Every breath is a fading crown we wear (Golden, Child, you are)
Like some debilitated king (Golden, don't let go)
Don't let go tonight

The Earth spins and the moon goes round (Golden, you are)
The green comes from the frozen ground (Golden, Child, you are)
And everything will be made new again (Golden)
(Like freedom in spring) (Golden, Golden)

Hey, like freedom in spring, (Golden, you are, hey)
Like freedom in spring (Golden, Child, you are)
(Gold...)

my guitar teacher asked me today what I thought I was really good at.
I didn't have an answer.
because I honestly have no idea what I'm really good at. I don't think I'm good at much of anything.

and he told me that I'm overly-critical of myself.
is that true?
I'm kinda believing that it is.
but I kinda can't really help it.

I'm like a load of epic fail.
hah.

anyway.
so far I've learned "Dare You to Move" by Switchfoot and "Be My Escape" by Relient K. and now I'm learning "Misery Business" by Paramore.
w00t.
I was going to learn some other Paramore songs, but Josh said that they were too easy for me. =p

oh, and check out Random Hero, my guitar teacher's band..
http://myspace.com/bandrandomhero

i'm beginning to think that either i'm an excellent liar, or people really just don't care whether or not i'm really okay.

but whatever.
screw it all.

i was told to have a good day today - so that's what it is. a good day.

=p

salt in the snow - the classic crime

Give me wings, Give me peace.
These are the things that I need.
I'm tormented, broken and shamed
Are You listening? Are You listening?

Give me shelter from the storm,
I know it's a lot to ask for considering how recent
I've piled the dirt on Your name.
Are You listening? Are You listening?
Are You listening?

I have heard that winter's cold
Will give way to summer's warmth
Oh no, like salt in the snow
I'm melted and left all alone
On the side of the road.

In this where I am for Your sake"
Stuck between sleep and awake?
My mind is dreaming of things
Are You listening? Are You listening?

I took You for granted again
And drew You aside and pretended
For one minute that I had control of my life
And the direction it seemed to be in
I was wrong again, I was wrong again
Are You listening?

I have heard that winter's cold
Will give way to summer's warmth
Oh no, like salt in the snow
I'm melted and left all alone
On the side of the road.

I will wait for You to come again,
And I can't pretend like I'm confident
And I can't pretend like it makes much sense
When it doesn't.

I have heard that winter's cold,
Will give way to summer's warmth.
Oh no, like salt in the snow,
I'm melted and left all alone
On the side of the road.

On the side of the road.
On the side of the road.
On the side of the road.

----------------------------
[rant]
i was talking with my sister and a guy from church at church tonight, and we were talking about facebook status' and such, and he was laughing at how much my sister updates her status, and so I told him not to be friends with me on facebook - cause i update my status a lot more than she does. and he was like "so, let's see, your mood changes from angry to sad to grumpy to melancholy, right?".
it really pissed me off. like, really.
yes, i am moody sometimes. but i'm allowed to be - i am a teenage girl. and it pissed me off that he pretended to know me so well. ugh.
i mean, i can somewhat understand.. because oftentimes church is what makes me feel the most emoish (not sure why..), so i act emoish. but seriously, just because you don't see my happy side often at church doesn't mean i don't have a happy side. it doesn't mean i'm *always* moody and sad and grumpy.
i hate it when people pretend to know me, but know they don't, and don't even TRY to get to know me. it really pisses me off. i mean, at least make an effort to get to know me before judging me.
[/rant]


i have been somewhat melancholyish recently though.
i've felt somewhat lost.
i'm not sure what direction i'm going - or should be going for that matter.

work continues to get suckier.
well, not completely. but it's old. very old. i'm not a big fan of working in fastfood.. but there's really no other jobs i can get right now. all the ones i've found you have to be eighteen or over - and i'm nowhere near turing eight.
and the church continues to get smaller (i think we're down to about 60 people total, including kids). which really sucks. because when we first started going here, it was supposed to get bigger. the youth group was supposed to get bigger, not smaller. there was supposed to be life. (there were supposed to be cute teenage boys! xD). but it's not. we keep getting smaller and smaller and i begin to hate it more and more. i don't even want to play guitar for worship team anymore.. i haven't for awhile. ever since they made the cool worship team leader leave.. which, turns out everybody else had problems with him. but i thought he was awesome. stupid people. but.. yeah. they sound better without me anyway. =p

and school is icky. it's not hard or anything.. i just dislike doing it. a lot. i just want to be done completely already. gah. only two more years....


wow. i sound like a whiny brat.
i am a whiny brat.
someone, please slap me. hard.
maybe enough to kill me. that'd be good.

i wanna run away, i wanna ditch my life...

'cause all my mistakes keep me awake at night...

i heart rk.

currently learning 'be my escape' on guitar. and it's not too hard..

*sigh*

i'm feeling quite lame tonight.
i want so badly to get away from here.
i feel like i'm so ready to get out of here.. even though i'm most likely not, considering i'm only 15.
but my life just isn't what i want it to be now. i'm not who i want to be.. and i feel like the environment that i'm in is supressing who i want to be.
which i could be completely wrong about. but i dunno.

i can't wait to get away from here.
only two years, two months, and 14 days until i turn eighteen.
it couldn't come sooner.

so there were a couple of scene girls on the bus today, and they were talking about how mad they were at this one guy because he called them scene, and how he shouldn't have called them scene because they aren't scene.
even though they're obviously scene.

it was hilarious. xD


and i'm going to go eat some chocolate chip banana bread. because my mom made some.. and it smells delicious.

Wait a Minute - The Switch Kids

Wait a minute, I'm not ready

They say 8am, I'll be late again
Just ask my friends (don't ask my friends)
It's the current frame of mind
I find myself in all of the time

It waits for no one and no one waits for me

Wait a minute, I'm not ready
I'm better late than never
I guess that makes me better all the time.

It seems to me everyone's so happy being depressedI can see it in the way they wear their hair and how they dress
Call me old fashioned, but I was never fashionable
I was never cool, life is cruel
I fall behind and not in line with the changing time

All the time I am late, I am late all the time

------------------

Good song.
I luff the Switch Kids.

Saw them last night with Eleventyseven. It was radsome.
Got to the venue at about 4:30, gave the eleventyboys their unicorns/candy/giftcard and introduced myself to the Switch Kids.
Hung out for a bit, and watched their soundcheck. Hung out somemore, and ate and such.. talked to Cecilia on Caleb's phone. Hah. Went outside and watched the boys ride some strange type of skateboard. haha. We were outside while the first band was on - a local worship band from the church that was the venue. Then we went inside, chatted a bit and watched Stephanie Smith a bit (she was good, but I'm not a big fan of female popstars). Then the Switch Kids were up. OMU! I love them a lot a lot a lot. They're so much fun and way cool and awesome and yeah. my dance shoes were on fershur. Then the Eleventyboys were up, and that was definitly a fun show. Their shows always are. They're crazy insane and I love them. Major dance party there. Me and my sister and my "sister" were moshing. to Eleventyseven. It was great. haha. We got some funny looks. it was fun. 'cept I didn't get too many good pictures because a bunch of insane fangirls went up on the stage at the very beginning of the concert and stayed up there. so, yeah. but it was a lot of fun.
Then we hung around, and waited for all the fans to leave and such.. talked, took pictures and videos and such. Then we helped the boys take down the set and load up the trailer.

It was extremely fun night.
I seriously miss those boys already.
It's hard - not knowing when I'm going to see them next.
I really do love them a lot a lot a lot. And it's nothing awkward or anything ('cause, just for one, they're way to old for me). They're just really cool guys.

It's a hard life.. for them, and any other band. Like Rob (The Switch Kids) says.. it's kinda like a circus. Load out, perform, pack up, and on to the next show. But I'm glad they do it... 'cause they're an amazing band. Like, fersher.

=]
I was also going to post some seriousness in this blog.. but I think I'm gonna scratch that.
my brain is currently not working.

old poetry

Just another pain-filled sorrow.

There's a pain inside
Gasping and grabbing at her chest
Trying to find hope
Dangling on a string so high above

To the world she looks so happy
Looking so free
But deep inside she's hurting,
Feeling pain the world can't see.
Behind her lays a crumbling world;
A past that she wants to be long gone
Loved ones leave and the day grows long
And as much as she tries,
She just can't move on.

She feels like she's falling
Blending into the abyss..
Pain is a drowning tidal wave
Where swimming has not been taught
It sounds so cliche
But her tears fall like afternoon rain

Broken hearts and fainting pain
Come from more than boys and breaking up

She should know - her heart has been shattered into a million pieces a million times.
Her hope has been dashed against the rocks - again and again.
She has been left alone - time and time again.

She says those harsh words don't hurt.
She repeats that silly saying
"Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me"

She's a good liar.

----------

lost

No one knows me anymore
I'm not even sure if I know myself.

I built up dark, towering walls
Not to keep all of these dear people out
But to see who cared enough to tear them down.

No one cared.

Now I'm lost and wandering in these walls.
Life is like a dreary fog; so full of gray.

The vividness of my mistakes dances on the barriers
Covering the greatness, destroying the good.

Running through knee-deep sand
Dark forests closing in
Shattered pieces on the ground.
Left alone with no one to care

Where do I go from here?

-------------


whoo, i'm a crappy writer. hah.

relationships that work are things that I can't comprehend

"An optimist is a person who sees only the lights in the picture, whereas a pessimist sees only the shadows. An idealist, however, is one who sees the light and the shadows but, in addition, sees something else; the possibility of changing the picture, of making the lights prevail over the shadows." —Felix Adler

I took a personality test based on the Meyers-Brigg.. well, actually, i took several of them. And they all ended up with the same result. I'm an INFP - the Dreamer.
it's really quite interesting, because I'm reading through some things about INFP's, and I'm like "whoah, this is totally me" for at least most of it.

"INFPs are introspective, private, creative and highly idealistic individuals that have a constant desire to be on a meaningful path. They are driven by their values and seek peace. Empathetic and compassionate, they want to help others and humanity as a whole. INFPs are imaginitive, artistic and often have a talent for language and writing. They can also be described as easygoing, selfless, guarded, adaptable, patient and loyal."


"creative, smart, idealist, loner, attracted to sad things, disorganized, avoidant, can be overwhelmed by unpleasant feelings..."

“INFPs. They wonder, some of them for the rest of their lives, whether they are okay. They are quite okay, just different from the rest of their family—swans reared in a family of ducks. Even so, to realize and really believe this isn’t easy for them.” - David Keirsey

http://infp.blogsome.com/

i overreact too much.