if I only had the heart

this week was good. I was actually mostly happy for no reason. and i liked that.
but it seems that most everybody i talked to had a crappy week. and i hate that.
i've said it before, and i'll say it again.. it seriously seems like everytime i'm really happy everybody else is really crappy. i hate it. what is it about me? seriously.
*sigh*

so i've tried sorta getting more into real life and less into internet life.. because i've been told that it makes you less lonely. but it really doesn't. i feel the same either way. which is lame.

i need a job. blah.

"and if i weren't so young, stupid, and restless..."

i took these today and i'm quite proud of them.


and i really don't have much else to say.
sorry.

this place - sons of day

i quit my job.. 'cause it sucks. last day is the 30th. haven't found a new job yet.. i'm pretty sure that i'm just going to wait until i turn sixteen to find one. but i'm not completely sure about that.. because i'm already going insane because i only have one shift this week.. and i have nothing to do. fer reals. because school doesn't take me that long, and i can only play guitar for so long.. and the internet get's boring. i think i need a new hobby.

went to another everfound concert last night (they played with two other bands - Sons of Day and Paper Rings. both were awesome). it was the fourth time i've seen them. since i found out about them and saw them in january. hah. those boys always put on a good show. i luff them... a lot. they have such passion and i love that. people like them make me want to actually try.

and i'm trying again with the whole god thing. searching for more answers to my questions. asking better questions and such. we'll see where it goes. hah. i just realized that i haven't really mentioned my god troubles on this blog. ah, well, i'll leave it to your imagination. =]

eh. i think that's really it.
my life hasn't really been exciting as of late. it never really is.
i've been kinda lost. but i'm searching. taking things day by day and such.
mmhmm.







oh, and augusten burroughs is a sick, twisted man and i would not recommend his books. i still like those quotes though.

augusten burroughs

so i went to starbucks today, and you know how they have those little things "the way i see it" or whatever? well the one on my cup was from augusten burroughs, the author of 'running with scissors'. i've never read the book.. but anyway, the way i see it thing inspired me to look up some quotes by him.. and i think i'm going to get his books from the library.

“Why am I so anxious? And then it hits me. I'm not anxious, I'm lonely. And I'm lonely in some horribly deep way and for a flash of an instant, I can see just how lonely, and how deep this feeling runs. And it scares the shit out of me to be so lonely because it seems catastrophic - seeing the car just as it hits you.”
-Dry

“It's a wonder I'm even alive. Sometimes I think that. I think that I can't believe I haven't killed myself. But there's something in me that just keeps going on. I think it has something to do with tomorrow, that there is always one, and that everything can change when it comes.”
-Running With Scissors


hm.

to write love on her arms inspires me. so very much.

twloha.
happy music. (cougheleventysevencough)
friends who encourage me to be unbreakable.

my greates inspirations.
the things that make me want to stop being so shitty.

thank you. <3

calender marks - my favorite highway

I've fallen victim to my greatest fear
The calendar marks that I lost a whole year
Three-sixty-five, barely alive
Grace took her good natured time to arrive
Oh my God, this year has dealt me a horrible hand
I'll try and explain, but you won't understand
Well wait, what's today's date?
There's plenty of time left to procrastinate, or plan my escape

Let me go
Let me go

The Autumn leaves join in a bittersweet chorus
A hymn so inspired as if to inform us they're leaving soon
She sends a kiss that we just barely miss
Before Winter sets in and exposes our sins

Let me go
Let me go

I want to be where nobody knows me
I'll be behind the perfect disguise
I'll drive away, I'll dissapear
I want to be anywhere, but here

Spring-time, ever changing
My life's re-arranging
So it seems I'm going down now
Tears fall on the ash, my heart's fading fast

Let me go
Let me go

While I wait for the New Year
To introduce new fears
While I'm wishing that I could be
Anywhere, but here

-----------------

At the beginning of the year, my motto was "I've decided that this year will be a good year". I find it kinda funny that I chose that for this year, because so far this year has been one of the worst. Don't get me wrong, I've had a lot of good times.. but a lot of things have happened that I wish hadn't. I dunno, maybe it's because I said that. hah. I doubt it, but you never know..

I envy those who always have good things to say. Those who can write paragraphs upon paragraphs and sound smart. I envy those who can be completely honest, and open up to others. I envy those who know what they want to do with their life.

There's so much that I want to be.. but I have no idea how to reach that goal.

It's raining today. Complete cloud cover, cold, dripping..
I love the rain. It's like.. a cleansing of the earth, making everything new. I like that.

it makes me feel like there's a chance. a chance of something new for me.
for everyone.

"it's a bittersweet life... and it's leaving me a-okay.."

my heart's a hole that needs to constantly be filled with love

so. my lame rambles will continue. hah.
i got stung by a bee today. first time i've ever been stung. and my arm hurts really bad. i can handle sharp pain. but this dull throbbing and burning is really getting to me. benadryl isn't helping. and my arm is really swollen around the sting. it's pretty gross looking. hah.
my parents might be making me get rid of my cat. which is lame. 'cause i love that cat even though she's a brat.
my job sucks. a lot. i'm prolly gonna apply at king soopers. even though that will suck too, at least i'll get paid more and actually get some hours in.. *sigh*

"we'll speak of what a waste i am..."

on the bright side, i didn't have to go to church tonight.
and i kinda feel bad for saying that. but i am really glad we didn't go. church pretty much depresses me. i'm not sure why either.
wait. i take that back. i am sure why. but.. eh.

and i got a couple cd's too.
"spring and summer" by jon foreman and a cd by the glorius unseen.

i should put something serious and thought-provoking in this.
there's been a lack of that as of late.
but i haven't really been thinking deeply as of late.
it hurts too much.


----------------------

He gets he information from overhearing conversations.
Doesn't ask questions, doesn't learn any lessons.
And he keeps his mouth shut,
till he bowls over, and he blows up
And then he can't form his words right,
they don't fit together so tight

And I hope to God that he will find his name
and not listen to his "so-called" friends when they say:

This is the way, that you are
Don't let them say
This is the way, that you are

She doesn't have much to say about yesterday
Or what happened to her, when she was eight
So she drinks a lot, and it her makes feel okay
For the moment, but it's gone when she awakes

But I hope you know that somewhere out there loves you
So don't give yourself away,
And don't listen to them when they say:

This is the way, that you are
Don't let them say
This is the way, that you are


- the classic crime, the way that you are

if i come without a thing
then i come with all i need

---

mewithoutYou - in a sweater poorly knit

------

i'm not a big fan of mewithoutYou's vocalist, but i really like their lyrics.

i know that i shouldn't let it get to me..
but it does, who am i kidding..

---

ftsk - catastrope