i don't understand it, really.

how i can trust God so easily with some things, and not at all with others.

for instance, right now i have complete trust in God with the situation about my dad. i know that God's going to take care of it, and my dad will be fine and out of the hospital soon. and it's not hard for me. it's rather easy, really.

but i can't trust God with me. and i don't know why. there's somewhat of a civil war going on inside of me and i can't figure out pretty much anything. i know the way to solve what's going on inside of me is to trust God and to trust others and have honest conversations. but i can't seem to do it. i don't know how.

it's frustrating..

keep breathing in..

keep, keep breathing in..

"I don’t know if you’ve ever felt like that. That you wanted to sleep for a thousand years. Or just not exist. Or just not be aware that you do exist. Or something like that. I think wanting that is very morbid, but I want it when I get like this. That’s why I’m trying not to think. I just want it all to stop spinning." - The Perks of Being A Wallflower



"God is still in the business of redemption, and He invites us to join Him. He asks us to whisper truth to the face of death, to lay down our lives that others might find something alive. Something true. Pain is real. But hope is also real. The fight song and the love song collide. The song is ours to sing." - Jamie Tworkowski



"i am remembering who i am. i lost it for a while last year, got lost in all the pain and change and stress. Got lost in all the losing. But i am finding my way back, and i'm believing better things." - Jamie Tworkowski


"In a way, I left the god of easy answers, the god who was always wanting me to be rich or wanting my country to be better than the other countries or, for that matter, for me to be better than you. I left that god the preachers talk about on television and the politicians mention in their prayers. But I left room open for another God, a God who might explain my existence, explain the complexities of my hands and feel and feelings and the very strange and mysterious fact that even as I type this I am breathing." - Searching For God Knows What



"I gave up on myself, and left this pride disarmed, I cried out 'I’m alone!' and found myself in Your arms." -Showbread

I've got a lot to learn.

"So this is how liberty dies.. with thunderous applause." - Queen Amidala, Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith

I think it holds some truth.. although I would like for it not to.
But, regardless of what I think, Barack Obama will become our President today. And like it or not, he's going to be the leader of this country for the next four years.
I hope he proves me (and my expectations of him) wrong.

Moving forward...

Life's been a bit crazy lately. I swear, this year is bipolar. I've already had both incredibly low points and some really good times. I cried, like, actually cried for the first time in almost a year. And I also have laughed the hardest that I have in a long time. It's a learning process. I'm learning to live.

This week (meaning since Thursday) is especially crazy. Not so much bipolar, but definitely crazy. My mom has a terrible ear infection, and her ear drum ruptured and all this... so she's been in crazy pain and taking vicoden and sleeping. So, here I am, stuck watching her six daycare kids. Oh, the joys. haha. I definitely do not ever want kids of my own. (I mean, if God gives them to me, there's not much I can do. And if He does give them to me, I'll love them all the same... but I don't want them. hah.). So I'm watching the kids, working on school, cooking dinner every night, doing laundry, cleaning the house, etc.
Also, tomorrow, I'm taking some Senior Pictures for a friend of mine! It should be pretty exciting.. and rather interesting, since I've never really done people pictures before. And on Thursday I have a guitar lesson, and I'm recording the song that I wrote - only the part that I've written though, which is only the rhythm guitar part. And then on Friday, I'm going out to lunch with some friends for a friend's birthday, and then doing a photoshoot with my sister, and then I have to pack up some stuff and leave for the retreat I'm going on this weekend. I'm so excited to go on this retreat. It'll be good for me. heh.


Also: Rock Band drums are better, Guitar Hero guitars are better.
And Subway is better than Quiznos.
the end.

i'm sorry i can't be perfect.

this game - one star story

This empty feeling, blame it on me.
Do I deserve this? I must deserve this.
My soul is sinking; guilt watches me.
What is my purpose? I must have purpose.
So I stop and breath.

You tell me I'm fine, no reason to cry.
Tell me again and try not to lie.
There is no difference; everywhere's the same.
And there is no way for me to win this game.

Silence informs me I'm solitary.
Are you out there? Please be out there.
Maybe I'll soon learn how to be perfect.
I just don't care; why should I care
About your apathy?

This happens everytime;
Keep trying to start new.
The only thing I learn is
That it's something I can't do.

nothing is perfect.

and it's rather frustrating sometimes.

don't wanna talk, don't wanna talk about it..

I'm sitting here, less than 12 hours into 2009... and I'm wondering, are things really going to change?

Right now the new year is still new - it's fragile and pure - like a fresh snow... and I want it desperately to stay like that. I want to see the good things and change the bad ones. I want this year to be different from last year.

But I'm scared. I'm terribly scared that I'll stay in this terrible rut that I've been in for what seems like forever. I scared that my fickle self won't get the courage to change for good. I'm scared that things will be dirty and broken and used up before I know it, and I'll be sitting here a year from now no different than I am.

I'm ready for a completely new life - changing my surroundings and the people around me and everything. I want to be two years older and on my way to new breath.
But I can't do that. I'm 16, still stuck in my parents house, only a junior in highschool, and just learning to drive.

So the best that I can do is change me. But how? I've been trying for what seems like forever.

Or maybe I haven't. Maybe I've been pretending to try just so people will look the other way. Maybe I've gotten comfortable in this rut. Maybe I've just been giving a half-hearted effort because I haven't truly wanted to change yet.

The best thing that I can now do is move forward and not look back.