don't wanna talk, don't wanna talk about it..

I'm sitting here, less than 12 hours into 2009... and I'm wondering, are things really going to change?

Right now the new year is still new - it's fragile and pure - like a fresh snow... and I want it desperately to stay like that. I want to see the good things and change the bad ones. I want this year to be different from last year.

But I'm scared. I'm terribly scared that I'll stay in this terrible rut that I've been in for what seems like forever. I scared that my fickle self won't get the courage to change for good. I'm scared that things will be dirty and broken and used up before I know it, and I'll be sitting here a year from now no different than I am.

I'm ready for a completely new life - changing my surroundings and the people around me and everything. I want to be two years older and on my way to new breath.
But I can't do that. I'm 16, still stuck in my parents house, only a junior in highschool, and just learning to drive.

So the best that I can do is change me. But how? I've been trying for what seems like forever.

Or maybe I haven't. Maybe I've been pretending to try just so people will look the other way. Maybe I've gotten comfortable in this rut. Maybe I've just been giving a half-hearted effort because I haven't truly wanted to change yet.

The best thing that I can now do is move forward and not look back.