some days God is my best friend.
and then some days i can't seem to find Him anywhere.

we all look elsewhere..

i'm tired of life.
i'm tired of constant mediocrity, failed expectations, never going deeper than the surface.
i'm tired of never moving forward, of constantly having to turn myself around.
i'm tired of stress, sickness, and pain..
i'm tired of the card house blowing down right when i think i've gotten it right.

i'm just plain tired.

the earth falls asleep - abandon kansas

The earth falls asleep much too early for me
I close my eyes but I can't rest
My body is tired my mind is running
From the past to the east to the west
Trying to find the blame
That you've already taken from me

Can anyone tell me how, how we learn to live with ourselves
I've been forgiven of things only God knows, but I can't forgive myself
After all of my searching I found who I am, and its not what I wanted
But I'm here now and I'm broken, come save me from this hell

I am convinced that the world that we see is a curtain
Behind which vast realms await us
Of uncharted marvels and oceans of mercy inside the Father's eyes
And the mountains are grandstands that sheets of blue sky rest upon
Peeled back with ease by Your hands
To reveal a glory I've never dreamed

I want to pay for the things I've done, the people I've hurt
Get what I deserve, but You won't let me
My hope is in the Unseen
Cause I see no hope in me

geez.
i just realized that i make myself sound really emo.
i'm not, i promise.

i wanna say i'll never do it again.. but i can't.

"God, i wish i could hear You.
You said You'd help me through this..
i wish You didn't have to.."-wavorly

this song has been running through my head all day.

to be honest, i've been struggling immensely lately. i guess it's understandable, with all the stress with my parents and sickness and taking care of the house/daycare kids and yadayadayada. and not that i'd let anybody know (because everybody already has enough to be concerned about), but i'm terribly stressed and i've been releasing it in ways that i shouldn't be.

i hate being a good liar.
i don't like being in this tunnel.
and i don't like thinking that i'm finally seeing daylight and then realizing it's actually a train.


"as you did warn me carpenter, this world has weakened my heart.."
- showbread