i read through all the twloha blogs today - all nineteen pages of them. all the way from the very beginning of the story. i never really grasped that it started from such a small story - i mean, i knew it, but i never really knew it. reading those blogs, some from renee about her struggles..
those blogs are filled with a lot of things. a lot of hurt, a lot of pain... but also a lot of hope and love.

i needed to be reminded of a lot of things they said.
i've gotten lost for awhile. i want to believe that i'm finding my way back, but i'm not completely sure. as superchick says in their song 'suddenly' (which is one of my favorite songs, btw) "the only way out is through everything she's running from". i just need to turn around and run the other way.
if only i could do that.

i've grown a lot in the past three months. in the past year. in the past two, three, four years. there's been a lot of hurt - i'm not going to deny that. a lot of it was self-inflicted. but i honestly and truly believe that it's made me a stronger person. it sounds so cliche, but it's true.

i don't know where i'm going with this.
so i'll just leave off with this, an excerpt from one of the blogs that really hit home..

"i've been obsessed with The Fray's new single "You Found Me" for the last week, playing it for everyone, making them listen. i think it's the honesty... The song is basically a conversation with God, the things you're not supposed to say:

Guy runs into God and asks Him where the heck He's been.

God says 'Ask anything.'

He asks 'Where were you when everything was falling apart?'

i am full-blown in love with the bridge, beyond explanation. All i know is that it's been moving some things around in me. He sings this with urgency:
'Early morning, the city breaks, i've been calling for years and years and years and years and you never left me no messages, you never sent me no letters. You've got some kind of nerve...'

Whoa. You're not supposed to talk to God like that... right?

Or maybe God can handle it. Maybe God can handle my pain and my questions. Maybe God would prefer the most honest version of me.

i'm not sure what you believe about God, or conversations with God... Perhaps that's a separate conversation. i guess i'm just writing to say that it's okay to be honest, that pain shouldn't stay silent. Questions shouldn't stay silent. We need to say these things out loud. Perhaps hope or healing or even faith, perhaps it begins there, with honesty.

This week i was reminded that i am thankful for the fact that it's okay to be honest, that maybe change starts there."

-jamie tworkowski