half of me is dead, already gone... half is screaming "everyone is wrong."

in less than five hours, i will be officially seventeen.
weird.
no, weird isn't really the right word. i don't know what is.
i hate birthdays. well, not for other people. i like saying to other people "i'm glad you were born" which means "i'm glad you're alive". but i hate them for me. it doesn't feel right - celebrating this mess of a human that i am. i'm undeserving of life, much less people celebrating my life. not that most people care anyway - it's just an excuse for celebrating.
also, i hate the mass amount of shallow birthday wishes on facebook. if people really cared about me they would talk to me more than once a year, and they would know when my birthday was without having too look on facebook.

it's a constant conflict in me - between wanting to grow up and wanting to be a kid. but i think i'm getting closer to fully wanting to be grown up. i think it might be triggered by the constant arguement with my parents that i always seem to be in [i'm never going to be good enough for them]. it sounds like teenage angst, and maybe it is, but i'm so done with it all.

hello life as a seventeen year old.