"resolutions"

my resolutions in past years have always been vague and therefore i've never completed them. or even started them, really.
so i'm making some concrete goals. and i am going to achieve them.

1. get my license


2. graduate in may. oh dear.


3. go on at least one roadtrip.


4. go to Cornerstone, Sonshine, or Ichthus. [or all three!]

5. do yoga [or just excercise] at least three times a week. eat at least one fruit and one veggie per day. ie: become a healthy person.


6. complete project52 and project stranger.

7. finish my three song demo.


8. watch one sunset/sunrise and stargaze at least once a month.


9. read and study the whole Bible.


10. love with all i have in me.



my song for 2009 was "time i understood" by wavorly. holy cow, was it a good pick.
i still haven't decided what 2010's song will be. hopefully soon, considering 2010 starts in less than 36 hours.

the day after Christmas.
it's crazy, really. i've been so so so busy this month. and now everything's calmed down. my family's still having a Christmas celebration on Sunday, but Christmas is basically over. i'm done with my santa job, and now am just working at baskin-robbins.
oh, i am so blessed.
i can't understand why i hate my life so much.
my mind and my heart are in a neverending battle.
i didn't want much this Christmas, i didn't ask for much. i really am trying to simplify my life, slowly but surely.
but then i only got a little bit of stuff. and i craved more.
i am much more materialistic than i let myself believe.
a fight between flesh and soul.


surrender is so hard.



"Time for surrender
Spread out your open hands
And He will raise you up
Confessing all that's broken
And watch the healing come
Spread out your open hands
Admit you've held them shut
Be swept away by this"
- flylead, "swept away"

i dare you to move.

"maybe redemption is stories to tell
maybe forgiveness is right where you fell
where can you run to escape from yourself?"

Silence - Bradley Hathaway

What's happening here?
I was once so alive and now I'm so full of dread and almost dead
Show me your wounded head that is lead to communion with the father
But where did he go?
His presence seems farther and farther away each day
but I'm trying so hard to steer his way
Yet still lonely and confused on this cold hard ground I lay

Speak to me wise mouth and say "it's all good kid, it's nothing that you did, and though it feels like I'm not here with you right now just be still and silent and listen for that sound..
Shhh..
Did you hear it?
Listen again.
Did you hear it?
That silent voice that just spoke nothing, that is me,
I'm listening to your plea with open ears
Counting all your tears flowing from your irritated eyes
Searching the skies looking for that hope that beyond there lies.

Oh you young worrysome sparrow, find rest
Lay your battered head upon my omnipresent breast and make it your nest
No strong cold wind could ever blow and carry you from this your home
Look around, see the life shooting up from the ground
Spring colors springing fourth and celebration of your trusting

It's a constant process this is
Growing you into the person you are to become
But when you sense the setting of the sun know it is only rising and has just begun
Now go fourth, sing songs of faith, and lift up others in the midst of this race
And if you can't keep the pace or lose sight of my face
Know that I'm always near so you need not fear
But don't worry about all that right now
Just sit here and enjoy the peace I offer in my silence
When I am silent I am listening, and not abandoning.

i am a hypocrite, plain and simple.

another casualty.

self-destructive habits..
i don't want this anymore
i can't do this anymore
i'm barely hanging on as it is.


i've been incredibly mean and cynical lately. it comes with being incredibly stressed, i think. things that are good are happening, i have jobs, i have four months of school left [six until graduation], i just got a new guitar, it's christmastime.
but i'm still not happy.
i still haven't found what i'm looking for.
everything that i see everyone around me finding hope in holds no hope for me.

it's been a crazy stressful couple of days.