it bothers me.
and i can't say what bothers me because it's not public information.. even though nobody from my church reads this (thank god for that too!).

ugh. stupid people.

Simple Life - My Favorite Highway

Somewhere inside me
Something is hiding
Something I never knew
If I'm open and honest
Keeping my promise
Someday I'll see this through

I can't hear anything
Listening, I'm listening
I need the space to move
Breaking through to something new
I need the chance to feel something real, something real
Everything I know is spinning out of control

So, so, so tell me where do we go
There is a burning that's inside of my soul, and it shows
We all want something more than just a simple life
Hey, hey, so give me something to say
I had the words but then I through 'em away, and you know
We all want something more than just a simple life

If I walk in a straight line
Wait for the right time
How can I know for sure
They'll tell you how to get by
Just put your life on standby
And in the end you hope that you were right

So believe what you want
No, you're not who you thought
The more you fake the harder you fall

So, so, so tell me where do we go
There is a burning inside of my soul, and it shows
We all want something more than just a simple life
Hey, hey, so give me something to say
I wanted nothing and I gave it all, gave it all away
We all want something more than just a simple life

----------------

the edge - shel

You stood on the edge and danced all around
But in your triumph, you fell off somehow.

Did you ever get put back together
Cause you are a puzzle, you change with the weather.

And I watch you look out the window
As bitter and cold as the snow that covers your sidewalk
You cover your feelings and where do you go to hide your heart.

The more that I see of your world, the farther away from you I drift
And sooner or later we'll find that you and I don't exist

This pain has lasted too long.
You're searching for love where you don't belong.

Are you really so blind to the sorrow
That dwells in your yesterday and your tomorrow

You stood on the edge and danced all around
But in your triumph, you fell off somehow.

------------------------

shel is a local band.. saw them at heavenfest. they're pretty amazing.
heavenfest was cool. it was interesting, comparing it to warped tour.. seeing how different the two were/are. handed out about 85 twloha flyers/postcards. watched shel, everfound, fight the good fight (it was their last show. =[), rough draft, part of kj-52's set, skillet, and haste the day. got a couple decent photos. (see them at my flickr: http://flickr.com/photos/iamunbreakable) met an internet friend from the d2s boards.
overall it was a good day. i'm still kinda bummed that i missed paramore at the big gig though.

one thing that really bothers me about this whole music/band thing is that at the end of the day, i'm still a fan. it doesn't matter how many times i've seen the band.. i mean, even with eleventyseven.. at the end of the show, i'm still a fan. i want so badly to get to know these musicians, to see their hearts and the inspiration behind their music.. but it's never going to happen. i'm always going to be just another face in the crowd. and that bothers me. it shouldn't, but it does.. *sigh*

to be honest, i've been struggling a lot lately. with friends, my parents, myself, god, life..
it's like there's no point. when i put myself out there and put on that positive face and try to be happy and yadayadayada, it's the same outcome as when i'm my normal self. people don't act any differently around me... i'm still on the outside circle. i've been told many times to put myself out there and try to get to know people, but whenever i've done that, i've gotten hurt. and so i sit and wait like a dumbass for somebody to reach out to me. but it never happens. and i think that's why i struggle so much. twloha encourages the whole community thing quite a lot.. and i think one of the reasons i struggle so much is because i don't have that community thing. i don't have those people i can talk to when i'm having a bad day, or the ones i can go to when something really good has happened. it seems like everybody is too absorbed in themselves to care what i'm feeling. i've said these things so many times. and yet i'm saying them again... because nothing has changed.
blah. blah. blah. blah.

i'm whining again. i hate it when i do that.


i have such a strong yearning to get away from this place..
i want to find a place that i can call 'home'.

"... i don't want to be percieved the way i am, i just want to be percieved the way i am..."

purpose for the pain

pick up the phone

I've realized recently..

.. that I walk a very fine line of thinking I'm totally awesome, and of thinking that I suck at everything.

.. that trusting God with everything makes me feel so much better.

.. that having joy during the tough times is okay.

.. that when the really tough times come along, so do the really good times.

.. that I can have good friends without getting into the really tough inner stuff.

.. that music is truly my escape, and hardcore music is very soothing. xD

.. that I'm tired of living the way I am. this whole purposeful, my fault roller coaster ride isn't the way I want to be.

.. that Nevertheless' song "Sleeping In" is awesome.

deep blue, deep blue..

.. have you ever been alone in a crowded room?

good song. (Deep Blue by Jack's Mannequin)

i've been writing a lot more as of late - both here and in my private journal. it's weird. i mean, it's not like i'm a great writer or anything like that (in fact, i somewhat suck at it).. but i've been finding a real peace in it. and it's not poems or songs or anything like that. just plain old writing. pouring out my heart. it's weird.

i think it may be a bit to balance out the hurt. it may be my way to release my pain.. even though i still sometimes turn to more destructive ways. because there's been a lot of hurt. there always is a lot of hurt. but that's life. there's ups and downs. and turnings arounds. hah.

"you never fake the red across your wrist, there’s never been a mascara that could fix the saddest eyes a boy has ever seen, when you want so desperately to bleed.." - Ever Stays Red

the days are going by, and i'm getting older. and it scares me. i mean, i'm turning sixteen in four months. i'll be a graduate in two years. one on hand, i'm desperatly looking forward to it. there's so much i want to do with this life that i've been given. but on the other hand.. i'm scared to death. what if i mess it all up? what if it's not as exciting as i want to be? i guess the only thing to really do is trust that God has it all planned out already.
i really shouldn't worry so much. i mean.. with this great big God watching over me and everything. i think He laughs at me a lot.




"not done yet" - superchic[k]

It's been one of those days for a lot of days now
I need a day when the world can take care of itself
This isn't what I wanted how I thought my life would turn out
And I wonder if it's like this from here on out
Sometimes life gets you, but we go on
Sometimes life gets you, we're still going on

We're not done yet
Not going quietly into the night, not me and my friends
We're not done yet, don't take us too seriously
It's just life we'll win in the end
And we walk on and on and on and we walk on and on

It's been one of those days for too many days now
I did a thing that I didn't want to do again
I fell down in the place where I always fall down and I wanna give up
And let it be what it's been
Sometimes life gets you, but we go one
Sometimes life gets you we're still going on...

We're not done yet
Not going quietly into the night, not me and my friends
We're not done yet, don't take us too seriously
It's just life we'll win in the end
And we walk on and on and on and we walk on and on

It's been one of those days but I don't care now
It was only a day and tomorrow's ahead
We got this far and I know that I can ride this one out
Though I want to lie down, yet I won't wait yet
Sometimes life gets you, but we go one
Sometimes life gets you we're still going on...

We're not done yet
Not going quietly into the night, not me and my friends
We're not done yet, don't take us too seriously
It's just life we'll win in the end
And we walk on and on and on and we walk on and on

Well I won't quit yet sometimes life gets you but we go on
Sometimes life gets you, we're still going on

time and wasted bullets..

i can't help but feel inadequate.

why do they even need me on the team? i'm fairly sure they would sound better without my crappy guitar playing.

blah blah blah blah.

=p

i got my top braces on today. oh, the joys.

*sigh*
i'm so pathetic.
i think what i really need is someone to care. right now.
but it isn't going to happen. and by the time someone does care, i'll have worked it out by myself. and the person who does care will be someone from the internet.. and i've really gotten all the comfort i can from someone on the internet (sorry.. no offense).

hallelujah, they're going to kill us too.

had a guitar lesson today. it was pretty boss.
i'm starting to learn scales and such. it's amazing how much there is to learn about, and about playing, what i thought was such a simple instrument. it's going to be a challenge.. but i'm looking forward to it. i haven't had a good challenge in who knows how long.

on another note... i've been reconnecting with some old teammates from the missions trip i went on in '05. it's strange seeing how much everybody has changed. i mean, i know i've changed. quite a lot. a lot. a lot. a lot. it's making me look back at how i was.. and i was quite stuck-up, self-centered, and insanely sheltered. i should hope i'm not anything like i was.

children 18:3 is awesome. more than awesome. i can't stop listening to their cd. they're so unique.. like, just their music. and their lyrics.... oy. they're incredibly unique. nothing like the typical love and life and blah blah blah. i enjoy it. they aren't cliche whatsoever, and i love it. =]

the end.

it's been a couple days.

yeah.

warped tour last sunday was amazing. saw several amazing bands. met them, too. i was going to write more about it.. but it's really not important.
this weekend was pretty cool too. went up to the mountains, to the family cabin. watched the fireworks from out on the lake in the boat. hiked a bit. read the twilight series (which is amazing, btw).
not much to report, really. my life is pretty much the same ole thing every day.

i feel like i should write something of meaning.
but the words won't come.
i feel a bit lost.

on a side note: "boston" by augustana is really easy to play on the piano.