what do i know of holy?

"What Do I Know of Holy?" by Addison Road is on in the background. there's snow falling outside, and a foot of it on the ground. i'm in my pajamas still, and wrapped in a warm blanket [yuss!].

I've been off of [coughgroundedcough] the internet for a couple days. and i must say it was a good break. it's weird.. it seems like there's this whole other world on the internet that we dive into and rarely come back out of.
i have a few friends that rarely use facebook, and now i think i understand why. it's all fake, it's all just showing people what we want them to see. we can know everything about everyone we know and still know nothing about them at all. the internet never gets past arms length.
it's strange, and it makes me uncomfortable.

on to other things.

this song is on repeat. i can't get enough of it right now.
it makes me feel so small, so miniscule.. but in a good way. often feeling small means feeling worthless and stupid and many other adjectives that i often use to describe myself. but this small is different. this small is a version of awe of the God that created everything. it fits so perfectly into my journey right now. i get arrogant sometimes, thinking that i've tried so hard to be awesome and God's been letting me down, and i often think that i've got it all figured out. but i don't. i'm small, and i know next to nothing. i think that sometimes my arrogance causes me to believe that God fits in my box. He doesn't. He's fire, fury, holy, and beautiful..

i'm going to be seventeen in exactly two weeks.

so. weird.

you're using your headphones to drown out your mind

today was, suprisingly, a good day.
i had some good conversations with people.
i like honest discussions.

going out to coffee with a couple of people on friday. i'm looking forward to that.

worthless.
unimportant.
wretched.
lost.

so very alone.

hopeless and downtrodden.



"We will separate ourselves from everyone that we know. We can’t allow a single doubt or weakness to show. Just one more day without the shame and I can move on. I’ll be happier, happier when I’ve given up. (We say, we’re so misunderstood, but I know we don’t do the things we should. So long to what I thought I was. I’ll be happier, happier when I’ve given up.)"
- emery, inside our skin

what does it all mean?

we're so connected.
cellphones and texting, facebook and myspace [wait, who still uses myspace..?], the internet in general..

but it seems to me that we've somewhat lost ourselves in it.
we're more connected, but we've lost connection.

what happened to community?
what happened to going out to coffee with someone to get to know them?
now all we have to do is add them on facebook and boom! we're friends.
all we have to do is read a couple of lines on their profile and boom! we know them.
it's not right. we've lost the art of communication.

i want to know people, not just meet them.

on a somewhat related note, i hate band to fan relationships. why do we put musicians on such a pedestal? why bother with a thirty second meet and greet and a sharpie scribble? even pictures with bands i don't much understand anymore. this has been a gradual, and somewhat recent change in me. i used to be a huuuggggeee fangirl. it was terrible. but now i realize that they're just normal people, with real struggles and faults and hopes and dreams. that's why i've made an effort to, when i go to concerts, actually talk to these people and love them and give them cookies and make them feel like something other than a pedestal.
with the pedestal that we've put these people on, we're so shocked when they mess up and do something we don't like. as my friend Jonathan [of the band eleventyseven] once said to me "bands aren't allowed to have bad days". they aren't, really. because if they're having a bad day and therefore don't feel like socializing with fans, we automatically write them off as being "mean" or "full of themselves". or on the opposite side of the spectrum, if they do interact with fans at all, we automatically think that they're perfect.


yay word-vomit..

the fear of God - showbread

dear God, why should i think you're good
in a world that’s falling apart?
the flags and lies picket signs raised high
the endless enveloping dark
and now here we sit, drifting further from you
two thousand years on their way out
and now i am here, and somehow i know you
still haunted by my fears and my doubts

just a man, just a vapor, just a waste of your space
all the good that i've done is in spite of myself
i'm not sure that i can look you in your face
when i finally set foot in your kingdom

dear God, what went wrong?
we hate ourselves, we hate our brother
we so desperately want to find our way
and all you say is 'love one another'

and little babies starve to death emaciated, out of breath
unfaithful wives make vows untrue, husbands beat them black and blue
junkies vomit in the streets writhing, twitching in their skin
sell themselves to die some more, rotting from the outside in
parents steal the innocence, from their children, scared and shaking
they drink away the guilt at night, brings quiet to the endless aching
evil men boast on TV, swimming in a sea of wealth
while misery beds honest men, and lonely people kill themselves
and everyone cries out your name, as the world is raped by selfishness
and no one knows the way to heaven, we only know the emptiness
the storm it rages in my heart, the endless empty roars in my ears
my world is coming all apart, i've no strength left to dry my tears
and through it all i hear your voice, breaking my heart, breaking my will
calms the storm inside of my soul as you whisper 'peace, be still...'

you place your hands around my heart, you quiet the emptiness in me
a king that kneels, a God made a servant, you set the captives free
you wait for me, a wretch of a man, no record of wrongs do you keep
you are comfort when i mourn, you are strength when i am weak
Jesus Christ, the king of kings
though we ache though we cry, never break never die
we sing of His great love again and again
and His love reigns forever, and forevermore
forever and ever amen

inadequate.
inadequate.
inadequate.

the perfect word do describe what i am.

"the face you see is just the mask i chose to wear today"

"my mask is growing heavy, but i've forgotten who's beneath"

"i settle down, a twiste up frown, disguised as a smile.."


what is it with our culture and the obsession with faking? why do we insist to put on a face and mask our pain?
why do we always pretend we're fine when it's obvious we're lying? what do we have to lose?

the answer we say is "everything". the real answer? nothing. will people look at you differently? maybe. but they'll connect. realize that there's a heart behind that head. realize that other people have feelings. realize that everybody's hurting in their own way, but everybody hides it because everybody else hides it.

i guess that's why i support to write love so very much. they talk about those things that need to be talked about. everybody wants to be loved, to be known, to have a place to share their heart. and to write love embraces that, and that's why many people including myself keep on coming back. community is important. having a place where you can take off your mask and not worry is so terribly important.

so i will continue to fight to find community.
because God knows how much i need it.

... we can be renewed.

i've been reading a lot of blogs lately. watching a lot of videos. reading lots of books.
all in the effort to finally lift myself up and improve myself.

everyone has there own twelve step program. everyone has their own opinion on how to be "better".
i don't want to be better. i want to be understood. i want to love and be loved.

through reading these things, i've determined that i don't care about the front anymore. all i want to do is love God, love others, and love myself. i don't want to go through programs and make up things that i learn.
i want to learn. i want to actually make sense sometimes.

i have issues with comparing myself to others. in everything that i do. everytime i see someone, i instantly compare myself to them. "i suck at this just because they're better than i am" or "they suck at it, so i'm good at it" and other things like that.

i'm tired of doing that. there's always going to be people better than i am and worse than i am. what matters is that Christ is my main focus.

i'm not a good person. everything good i do is in spite of myself.
but i am loved. and that makes me more than worthless.

p.s. yoga is fun.

it's eight pm eastern, so six colorado time.
watch it watch it watch it!
i'm certain that it's going to be fantastic.

so.. i applied for a job at a pastry shop downtown and it looks quite promising.
*crosses fingers*

and least if i get a job i'll have some fraction of a life.
fldkjfal;ksjdflkf

i was going to complain some more and more.
but i just now realized that i'm an idiot for complaining so much.
so i'm just going to stop right now.

i hate life, dangit.

what if it's all in my head?

what if all of it is in my head?

i hate that i'm not close to anyone anymore.
no one.
looking back, even when i barely talked to some people, i was still close to them.
and now it's not there anymore.
and it's my own fault.

why am i so mistrusting of people?
life is pain with or without trust, and only bad *and* good can come of trust.


invisible children event tonight.
i'm pretty darn excited.