Farewell '07.

You were a really great year... and yet, a really horrible year all the same.

I learned a lot. I laughed a lot. I cried.. not so much, but felt empty a lot.

I made some *amazing* friends. Lost some friends.

I danced, I sang, I tried and failed again and again.

I learned to trust, I learned to love. I learned that life isn't as bad as we make it out to be.

I became a complete eleventyfreak. And I love it.

I found One who is always near.

You gave me some great times. Cornerstone, Squeeze, concerts, parties.. =]

I'll miss you.

Farewell.

Now, onto next year...

Feel Ok - Eleventyseven

If you're like me you make believe
That everything that could possibly
Go wrong is gonna happen here tonight
And if you're like me you're on the brink
Of telling everybody what you think
As if what I had to say was important anyway

The first mistake that you and I will make
Is trying way too hard to compensate

'Cause I don't have to feel ok to be ok
I wasn't created just to live my life this way
I don't have to feel ok to be ok
And I refuse to live my life this way

If you're like me you lie awake
Scared to death of your mistakes
Somehow coming back to claim your soul
And if you're like me you're wondering
When everybody else is gonna see
All the stupid things you do
To keep the past away from you

The first result of everything we've done
Is living life but never having one

My first impression is I don't think that depression is
The tyrant that we make it out to be
Your life is yours to live for something way more positive
Than what you woke up feeling like today

----------------

This is my "theme song", you could say.

I've been learning a lot about myself, and life, and stuff lately.

The main thing is this: Life sucks sometimes, deal with it, and move on. Enjoy it when it doesn't.

I love me. I do. I may have some body image issues, and friend issues, and church issues, and a whole bunch of other issues.. but I really love who I am, and wouldn't have it any other way.

I love life. I hate things in life, like school, and work, and boredom, and such. But I love life, and I love living it. It's so amazing. Like, uberly, uberly, uberly amazing. I can't help but look at my life and think I'm blessed. I mean, I know what I beleive and stick with it. I have both parents, and they're still together. I have siblings. I have a roof over my head, and all the food I can eat. I have great friends. I have a relationship with Jesus Christ, who saves me from my suckiness. I have great possibilities for my future. I have hope.

I refuse to live my life like I have a horrible one. I refuse to be emo and depressed all the time. I refuse to hate who I am. I refuse to live my life like I'm an idiot.

I'm excited for my future, whatever it may bring. And honestly, I'm not scared of what it will bring. I *know* that God is in control. It's a very comforting thought.. knowing that I don't have to handle it all.

With all this said, I know I'm going to have bad days. I'm going to hate myself, and hate life sometimes. But I'll get right back to this feeling. That life is an amazing creation that should be thouroughly enjoyed.

^_^

My Heart - Paramore

I am finding out that maybe I was wrong
That I've fallen down and I can't do this alone
Stay with me, this is what I need, please?

Sing us a song and we'll sing it back to You
We could sing our own but what would it be without You?

I am nothing now and it's been so long
Since I've heard the sound, the sound of my only hope
This time I will be listening.

Sing us a song and we'll sing it back to You
We could sing our own but what would it be without You?

This heart, it beats, beats for only You
This heart, it beats, beats for only You
This heart, it beats, beats for only You
My heart is Yours.

This heart, it beats, beats for only You
My heart is Yours (My heart, it beats for You)
This heart, it beats, beats for only You (It beats, beats for only You)
My heart is Yours (My heart is Yours)
This heart, it beats, beats for only You
(Please don't go now, please don't fade away)

My heart, my heart is Yours (Please don't go now, please don't fade away)
(Please don't go now, please don't fade away)
My heart is Yours (Please don't go now, please don't fade away)
My heart is Yours (Please don't go, please don't fade away)
(Please don't go now, please don't fade away)

My heart is...

------------------------
Another amazing song. Paramore pwns.

I've decided to change some things in my life. Some bad habits that I've had for as long as I can remember.

It's going to be hard, but I'm going to do it.

I've been thinking a lot lately. (which is never a good thing)

I don't want the typical American life. Once you get out of highschool, go to college, get a good job, get married, have kids, grow old, blah blah blah.

I don't want it. At all. It just seem so.. lame. I couldn't enjoy that life.

But then again.. I don't really know what I want. Besides that I want to love myself, and love Jesus, and love living. As long as I have that, I'm good. But I don't know what I'll have to do to achieve that.

My biggest dream, which is completely ubsurd and will probally never come true, is to become involved in the music industry doing some sort of ministry. Kind of like Jamie Tworkowski. He helps a lot of people, and knows a lot of people in the music industry.. and.. yeah. I would LOVE to do something like that. I was talking to my parents the other day about what I want to do seriously after highschool (go to college for music business), and my dad laughed at me. Pretty much shot it down. Kind of made me realize how rediculous my dreams are, and how I'll most likely end up in a dead-end desk job or something of the sort.

But I don't want it. I don't. I don't. I don't. I want to do something meaningful... something that will make a lasting impact on someone's life.

I wish I knew what that was.

Maybe I'll just travel around in that hippie van all my life and be a bum.... *sigh*

Be My Escape

I’ve given up on giving up slowly, I’m blending in so
You won’t even know me apart from this whole world that shares my fate
This one last bullet you mention is my one last shot at redemption
Because I know to live you must give your life away
And I’ve been housing all this doubt and insecurity
And I’ve been locked inside that house all the while You hold the key
And I’ve been dying to get out and that might be the death of me
And even though, there’s no way in knowing where to go, promise I’m going because

I gotta get outta here
I’m stuck inside this rut that I fell into by mistake
I gotta get outta here
And I’m begging You, I’m begging You,
I’m begging You to be my escape.

I’m giving up on doing this alone now
'Cause I’ve failed and I’m ready to be shown how
He’s told me the way and I’m trying to get there
And this life sentence that I’m serving
I admit that I’m every bit deserving
But the beauty of grace is that it makes life not fair

'Cause I’ve been housing all this doubt and insecurity
And I’ve been locked inside that house all the while You hold the key
And I’ve been dying to get out and that might be the death of me
And even though, there’s no way in knowing where to go, promise I’m going because

I gotta get outta here
'Cause I’m afraid that this complacency is something I can’t shake
I gotta get outta here
And I’m begging You, I’m begging You,
I’m begging You to be my escape.

I am a hostage to my own humanity
Self detained and forced to live in this mess I’ve made
And all I’m asking is for You to do what You can with me
But I can’t ask You to give what You already gave

'Cause I’ve been housing all this doubt and insecurity
And I’ve been locked inside that house all the while you hold the key
And I’ve been dying to get out and that might be the death of me
And even though, there’s no way in knowing where to go, promise I’m going because

I’ve gotta get outta here
I’m stuck inside this rut that I fell into by mistake
I’ve gotta get outta here
And I’m begging You, I’m begging You,
I’m begging You to be my escape.

I fought You for so long
I should have let You in
Oh how we regret those things we do
And all I was trying to do was save my own skin
But so were You.

So were You.

----------------------

kick-butt song.

Feed Just One

Although barely anyone reads this blog...

Feed Just One is an amazing organization that helps feed starving people all around the world.

The Need: Over 800 million people are starving worldwide. A child dies every 3 seconds of hunger.
The Problem: Most aid programs currently available require a commitment of $35 a month that your average person either can't or isn't willing to commit to. Schools and orphanages are trying on their own with little or no aid and children are "lucky" to get 3 meals a week. It has been said that 5 meals a week would be a miracle.
The Solution: You can provide a meal to a starving child through Feed Just One for only 4 cents. One meal a day costs just 28 cents a week, $1.20 a month or $14.60 a year.

ALL of the money donated through Feed Just One will be given directly to Feed My Starving Children (FMSC.org) to go towards shipping meals to starving children around the world. Feed Just One keeps NONE of this money aside from a small portion of the sticker and t-shirt sales to cover our costs and operating expenses with the rest going directly to FMSC.

For every person who requests to add them as a friend on myspace, they will donate one meal. If you make them a sign, they will donate 30 meals. You can also buy things from their store (shirts, stickers, bracelets) to help support them.

They're having a holiday sale right now. It's your chance to buy a great gift for someone that will also save lives around the world. Most everything is in stock and ready to ship and everything ordered by 12/10 will arrive by Christmas.

Also, when you buy something, put in the code "Hannah" to help me out.Please help save some lives, and buy something. The things in the store aren't expensive.

Store link: http://feedjustone.bigcartel.com/
Myspace: http://www.myspace.com/useyourcents

Thanks.

Charlie Brown: I think I'm afraid to be happy.
Lucy: How can you be afraid to be happy?
Charlie Brown: Because whenever you get too happy, something bad always happens.

It's the truth.

*sigh*

I want to be more than mediocre.

I wish I wasn't so selfish in wanting that.

It just that I'm not *really* good at anything. Oh, I'm okay at guitar, at school, at making graphics, at art, at photography, in theology, in friendship, at my job, the list goes on and on. Everything I do is mediocre. I'm not spectacular, I'm not amazing. I'm just another person passing in existence. I am absolutely terrified that I will never amount to anything. And it's all my own fault. Whenever I try to excell at something, I fail. Miserably. And I hate it. But it never changes. I'm always just okay.

*sigh*

I'm so lame.

Love

I've been thinking a lot about love today - most likely because of the whole Nathan&Stefanie getting married thing.

I'm happy for both of them - I'm very happy. I could see the love in their eyes today. the excitement of getting married... and their excitement for each other made me excited for them.

Someday, I want a guy to look at me the way Nathan looked at Stefanie all of today. That completelyandutterlyinlove, Iwanttobewithyouforeverandeverandever, Ionlyhaveeyesforyou look.

I know I'm too young for it all right now... after all, I'm only fifteen (or will be in a few hours anyway). But I want it. I want it with all my heart. I want someone to love me with all their heart, and have eyes for only me.

But I'm scared it will never happen.. and if it does that I won't be able to receive that love. I've heard over and over that you can not recieve love if you don't love yourself - and I'm not at the point in my life that I can love myself, and I don't know if I ever will.... and I also know that to have someone love me like that, and for me to be able to recieve that love, we're going to need God in the center of that relationship, like I see in Nathan's and Stefanie's.

All the marraige's that I've seen (now, I'm not saying that all marriages, only the one's I've seen) that have truly succeeded, and you can tell that both of the people in the marriagie truly love each other - all of them have God in the center. As the wedding planner was saying this morning, God is the third strand in the braid of marriage.

I need to make God first in my life. I really do. And I haven't, not in a long time.. in fact, I don't know if I ever really have. I believe in him, and love Him with all my heart, but I'm always too concerned with what *I* want, and not what He wants for me... and I need to start working on that, a lot. I need to start working on loving myself so I can accept God's love, and eventually, the man I'm gonna marry's love.

.. I'm excited for that day. It's going to be a long time from now, I'm still way to young.. but I'm excited. And I need to start working on myself.



snapdragons and lollipops.

I hate hormones.

Rockstars

You know that song that goes like "we all just wanna be big rockstars"?

I hate it. With a passion. Because it's retarded. Why would you want to be a rockstar? Why would you want to be famous? It's all so superficial and stupid.

The only reason people want to be popular is because everybody "likes" them, but everybody just likes them just because they want to be popular. It's stupid an pointless.

Seriously, WHY WOULD YOU WANT TO BE FAMOUS?!

Having no personal time, having so many people pretend they know all about you, and pretend that they're you're best friend.. when really, they don't even know you at all. Being famous is all about being superficial. I hate it.

I hate the way that we put people up on pedestals, just because they were in a movie, or they're in a band that plays some good music, or they can sing, or they can dance, or whatever it is. What we see is the outside of the person, their talent. Not the inside, not what really matters, not their soul. We never get to really know these people, and yet we want to be just like them.

Think of your favorite band, or your favorite actor. What do they believe? About anything? (life, God, whatever) Do you have any idea whatsoever? I would be very suprised if you did.

Then why do we idolize them? It makes no sense.

gah. *pounds head on keyboard*

"And that is the thing that's so frustrating to me. I don't know if we really like pop-culture icons, follow them, buy into them because we resonate with what they believe or wheher we buy into them because we think they're cool." -Donald Miller, Blue Like Jazz

"I don't want to be percieved the way I am, I just want to be percieved the way I am.
It seems kinda contradictary, doesn't it? But in reality, it's not. You want people to see you for who you really are, instead of who you pretend to be."

^^ I was looking through old blogs on my xanga, and found that. And it made me smile. Because it's still absolutely true.

I wish people weren't so cruel, so stupid.. so self-centered. Me included. It's why we put up walls.. because all people care about is themselves, so you just get hurt when you don't put up walls. The saddest part is that when you do, no one notices and cares to tear them down. I hate to sound cliche, but that's how it is. And it depresses me.

.. why can't we all just get along?

Believe In Dreams

"I know, the days will come and go,
But baby I'll grow old, but I will die.
For now, is it worth it to be sad,
If it's harder to be glad to be alive?

For the trouble I have caused I wonder,
Where do I belong?
Is it here?

Believe in dreams you love so much,
Let the passion of your hearts make them real
And tell all the ones you love,
Anything and everything you feel.
I laugh about the past.
Secretly, wish we could go back,
And save the child...

As I look around this room,
See the worried eyes I know
It's time I cannot buy
Was this worth the time to rise?
Was this worth the time to rise?

Believe in dreams
I believe in dreams
I believe in dreams
I believe in you

Believe in dreams you love so much,
Let the passion of your hearts make them real
And tell all the ones you love,
Anything and everything you feel
Believe in dreams
Believe dreams"

^^ That song is by Flyleaf, and I think it's one of my new favorite songs. Especially the part I bolded. It makes so much sense for my life right now.

We've been going to Cornerstone for about 10 months now.

I can see very clearly that my parents love it. They've been more involved here in the past ten months than they have been at any other chutch that I remember. Well, actually, not really.. but they enjoy their involvement more here. I can see it in their eyes when they talk about church.. To put it simply: I know this is where God wants them, and that they are glad for that.

As for Sarah, she fits right in. She's found a new best friend in Autumn. Those two are like peas in a pod. And she also babysits half the kids in the church on a regular basis, and everyone loves her here (like everywhere).

The problem is me. I honestly cannot see where I fit in at this church. I just can't... and that bugs me. A lot. Because I can see how amazingly happy the rest of my family is here. And if I don't belong here, at Cornerstone, where do I belong? I honestly haven't felt completely comfortable at a church ever since Creekside and that whole mess, and I'm scared that I never will. But I know it's not just my fear that's preventing me from being comfortable at Cornerstone. There's something else there.. I'm not sure what it is though.

I just have no idea. I really, honestly don't.

If Only. (rant)

"Think of the impact if the first thing radical feminists thought of when the conversation turned to evangelical men was that they had the best reputation for keeping their marriage vows and serving their wives in the costly fashion of Jesus at the cross. Think of the impact if the first thing the homosexual community thought of when someone mentioned evangelicals was that they were the people who lovingly ran the AIDS shelters and tenderly cared for them down to their last gasp. A little consistent wholesome modeling and costly servanthood are worth millions of true words spoken harshly." –Philip Yancey

Why can't we, as Christians, start to truly show the love of Christ? Instead of instantly condeming people, and saying that their sin is worse than ours, and hating them because they don't believe the same we do. Why can't we be Christ-like, and love people just to love them, and love them unconditionally, like Jesus does. Why can't we show people who Christ really is instead of the idiot that we depict Him as? Why can't we love people, not to get them to become a Christian, but because we are supposed to love?

I admit, I'm not great at showing love. But I'm working on it... and I want every Christian too. I want us to be real, not the selfish fakes that we are.

"I liked the idea of loving people just to love them, not to get them to come to church." -Donald Miller, Blue Like Jazz