When the Time Comes - The Classic Crime

When the time comes put my feet in the water,
It's not as warm as I expect
Will I go down like a preacher's son,
Or will I come back up like a world war vet?
Will I watch my brothers die,
Or speak true words into their lives?
Will I hold them close and tell them why,
The life they lead was sacrifice.

I don't know much,
But I know about love and how it hurts me to give up
It hurts me to give up

When the time comes put my hands on the table,
They are examined for that they are
A long life line that's been cut short,
By the road, the time, the battle scars
Would I would give to be back home,
Where the sun sets over the water
Someone save me from these preacher's sons,
Save me from their daughters

Still I don't know much,
But I know about love and how it hurts me to give up
It hurts me to give up

Why do we always say we're fine,
When it's obviously we're lying?
Why don't we ever tell the truth,
What do we got to lose?

And I don't know much,
But I know about love and how it hurts me to give up
It hurts me to give up
And I don't know much,
But I know about love and how it hurts me to give up
It hurts me to give up

------------------------

I've had a crappy day today. I've really had a crappy week.. 'cept for Monday.

I'm worried about my grandma. Very worried. There's a whole lot of crap going on.... my grandpa isn't taking it very well, the doctors are stupid.. there's no will.. it's just a big mess... but then again, cancer is always a mess.

On top of that, both my parents had the flu, and now I think I'm getting it. Not cool.

I hate my job. With a passion.

I hate retarded school. I hate myself for hating it. I hate getting behind because I think it's stupid and then having to do a heck of a lot of work.

I'm a mess.

Don't get me wrong... this doesn't mean I don't still love Jesus, because I do. With all my heart. But I still have issues.. lots of them..

*sigh*

"Your sun will no longer set, and your moon will not fade; for the LORD will be your everlasting light, and the days of your sorrow will be over." - Isaiah 60:20

paint a picture..

"You are now at a crossroads. This is your opportunity to make the most important decision you will ever make. Forget your past. Who are you now? Who have you decided you really are now? Don't think about who you have been. Who are you now? Who have you decided to become? Make this decision consciously. Make it carefully. Make it powerfully." - Anthony Robbins

<33

"If you knew me yesterday, or last week, or last year, please don't think that I'm the same person that you're meeting today. I have experienced more of life, I have encountered new depths in those I love, I have suffered and I have prayed. I'm different."


I've decided that liking boys at this point in my life is worthless. Yep. Absolutely pointless.

The end.

Chains of Steel - Everfound

Wrapped around in chains of steel
Invisible and yet so real
Cold metal on my skin is all I feel
But I smile, dare not let you see
The truth behind this picture perfect me
I create my own honesty

You call me crazy
It doesn’t change me

Running and running away from myself
I’m trying to
Run and run away from myself
Running and running away from myself
I’m trying to run away from myself

Circuits’ cut my skin is turning white
The blood inside is giving up this fight
These steel chains hold me tight
I tried hard to break myself free
But it’s time to face reality
He’s the only one who has the key

You call me crazy
When you’re just like me

Running and running away from yourself
You're trying to
Run and run away from yourself
Running and running away from yourself
You're trying to run away from yourself

You call me crazy
It doesn’t change me
You call me crazy
When you're just like me
You call me crazy
It doesn't change me
You call me crazy
When you're just like me

Running and running away from ourselves
'Cause I'm just like you
Run and run away from ourselves
Running and running away from ourselves
We're trying to run away from ourselves

Tried hard to break myself free
Until I faced reality
He's the only one who has the key
You tried hard to break yourself free
Until you faced reality
God's only son can set you free

-----------------------------------------

I love this song. I saw Everfound at an AMAZING concert last night. They're officially *almost* my favorite band. Eleventyseven still has the number one favorite band spot though, that's why they're *almost* my favorite band. =]
The concert last night was just.. wow. One of the funnest, if not the funnest concert I've ever been too. It was a blast. I love being able to go crazy and not care.. and dance and sing at the top of my lungs. I brought the guys in FTGF peanut butter m&m's. They enjoyed that. haha.

This week has been.. not so normal.
My grandmother was diagnosed with stage four pancreatic cancer, and has a year to five years to live.... my family (extended, as well as my parents) is not handling it very well. I'm okay with it though.. it's despratly sad, but I know that Jesus is calling her home, and she'll be carried home by angels.
I found about an awesome music camp called "Camp Electric", and got all psyched, and totally wanted to go. Then I found out how expensive it is ($650 for five days), and that it really isn't as awesome as it sounds. So I'm back to square one about what to do for this summer.
I went ice-skating twice. My still kinda hurt. heh. I watched a hockey game, and enjoyed it. I stayed up really late one night and stared at the stars, and got up really early one morning and watched the sunrise. Then there was the concert, which was amazing.
But the most important thing that has happened since the last time I blogged is this: I (re)dedicated my life to Jesus Christ this morning. It's the most amazing feeling I've ever felt.. even more-so than when I "became a Christian" when I was seven - because when you're seven you don't really know any different. I know the right words to say most of the time - words to make others believe that I'm doing awesome, or I'm really down... and half the time I don't mean them. But I mean this with all my heart. My life belongs to Jesus Christ.

I've been worried about a lot of things this week - but I'm at peace about them. Because I know that Jesus has it all in control. It's comforting - knowing that I don't have to handle it all by myself.

I'm still struggling. I still have moments when I want to get out a knife. I still hurt. But Jesus is always there - and that is more comforting than anything else in this world.

Still looking for a new job. Haven't been able to find one yet... so I dunno about that.
I'm playing guitar on the worship team on Sunday. A bit nervous about that..

Have a fantastic evening.

"I have told you these things so that in Me you may have peace. You will have suffering in this world. Be courageous! I have conquered the world." - John 16:33

Winter - Bayside

When Winter falls
Next year, I'll be holding on
To anything nailed down
As for being patient, with fate and all, it's getting old.
And my mind is slowly changing
I'm calling all my oldest friends,
Saying "sorry for this mess we're in,"

And I'm waiting, waiting
For the Sun to come and melt this snow,
Wash away the pain, and give me back control, control.

An angel got his wings,
And we'll hold our heads up knowing that he's fine.
We'd all be lucky to have a love like that in a lifetime.

Should we still set his plate?
Should we still save his chair?
Should we still buy him gifts?
And if we don't, did we not care?

It makes you think about the life you've led,
Shit you've done, things you've said.
And it's grounding, grounding.
I've been feeling three feet tall this month,
Hardly indestructible.
But the snow melts, and the rhythm still goes on.

An angel got his wings,
And we'll hold our heads up knowing that he's fine.
We'd all be lucky to have a love like that in a lifetime.
Friends stay side by side,
In life and death you've always stole my heart,
You'll always mean so much to me, it's hard to believe this

These nights in vans,
These nights in bars,
Don't mean a thing with empty hearts, with empty hearts.

An angel got his wings,
And we'll hold our heads up knowing that he's fine.
We'd all be lucky to have a love like that in a lifetime.
Friends stay side by side,
In life and death you've always stole my heart,
You've always meant so much to me, it's hard to believe
So much to me, it's hard to believe
So much to me, it's hard to believe this.

-------------

Song like this, songs that are dedicated to someone who died... they intrigue me.

It makes me think such cliche thoughts, thoughts about how short life really is. How even when we think it's not worth it, it is. The short time we have here on earth needs to be worth it. I wish I could make mine worth it. *sigh*

.. I've been feeling three feet tall this month ...

Heath Ledger, the actor, died today. Casey Calvert from the band Hawethorne Heights died not too long ago. Thousands of people die everyday. Thousands more are left with hurt everyday. Time goes on.

I can't help but wonder if anyone will write anything about me after I'm dead.

Don't Be There - Switchfoot

Don't be there
'Cause I'm on my way
And I'm already gone over
And I'm on my way

And I can't recall myself
How I went down
Did I get shot
Or shoot myself

I'm down here
And you're way up there
But that doesn't hurt badly
But it stings right here

And I won't pretend there's
Nothing there
You be around and I'll be square
Don't be alarmed if I'm not there
You be around and I'll be square

If you're a rose
Then I'm the thorn
That's in your side

And does it hurt badly
'Cause it burns right here

I'd like to say hello
I'd like to say I care
I'd like to let you know
That nothing here's the same with me
Nothing here's the same

Don't be around
Don't be there
------------------------

I've been listening to this song over and over for the past hour.

It makes me think fo all the friendships I've had. All those friendshops where both me and the other said the whole "BFF!" stuff. Now I don't even know them anymore... well, not really. The friends I've had and me, we've grown so far apart.. I'd still like to think we're really good friends, but the truth is, we're not. Times have changed. We've all moved on to new lives.. we're not in elementary school and junior high anymore. I have no idea who my old best friends are.. and I can guarantee they don't know who I am. It's strange how much time has changed me... has changed all of us.

I miss it. Having best friends. Having going to the park and just being dorky little kids together be enough. I miss having cutting be stepping in front of someone in a line. I miss silly dreams, and giggling over nothing, and trying to stay up all night but falling asleep at ten. I miss not having to worry about being cool, and staying skinny. I miss having my biggest problems being whether or not I'd get that new toy. I miss it all.

Now that I'm older, it gets harder and harder to find friends, you could say. My closest friends live in other states. It's really kind of sad... but with the whole being in a tiny/miniscule youth group/church, and having a crappy job.. and those being my only forms of socialization, it's more than a bit difficult to find rl friends.

Eh. I have no reason to mope. I'm a blessed person.. what with all I have.

This may sound bad, like, really wrong.. but sometimes (most of the time) I wish I had a real reason to be angry at the world. But I really don't.. there's nothing terribly difficult in my life. I'm so frustrated with myself.. I've been thinking about cutting lately.. and I know, with all my heart that I shouldn't do it - that my life isn't that bad - that the organization I support most is one that tries to prevent and stop self-mutilation. But I can't stop myself from wanting it. I know it's horrible.. but I can't. I probally won't ever get up the guts to actually do it - so that's a relief.. or a curse, whichever way you look at it.

Man. I ramble way too much. >_<

"'Don't Be There' was inspired by a bittersweet period in my life when I was growing further apart from a dear friend of mine. I will always treasure our friendship; I will never forget the beautiful memories. Yet, youth can be synonymous with change as we begin to learn and discover and experience life more and more. My friend and I had changed since we met, and our distance hurt both of us. 'Don't Be There' is built around the conflicting desires that I had concerning this friendship?" -Jon Foreman

More than Anything - Three Cord Wonder

I've been seeing myself in the wrong light,
I've been looking at the world through shadowed eyes,
I've been angry at myself - more than I have been upset at anyone before.
I've been listening to voices that don't really care,
I've been whining that my life is so unfair,
I've been failing the grasp....
When it's truth that I lack - You are my source.

I keep missing the point..
I keep forgetting that I don't know where I'm going.....
And that I'm nothing without You

Because I need You more than I need to breathe,
And I wanted so much more of You - means less of me,
And I feel You, I feel You, more than I ever believed.
And I love You, I love You, more than anything.

I've been blaming everybody for my own mistakes...
Accelerating where I know I should be using brakes.
While attempting to defuse it,
I found out that I blew it and everything's my fault
Got to stop selling out on what I know is true.
Time to stop compromising all my values
No more fake - now I'm real
It doesn't matter how I feel - You are my hope.

I keep missing the point......
I keep forgetting that I don't know where I'm going.....
And that I'm nothing without You.

'Cause I need You more than I need to breathe
And I wanted more of You - means less of me
And I feel You, I feel You, more than I ever believed
And I love You, I love You, more than anything.

I have fallen too hard.
I'm so in love with You...
I know I missed the mark of your unfailing truth.
You are always the same - I know you never change...
And I need You more than life.

------------------------------------

I started praying again. And it was really nice... to really pour out my heart. I don't think anyone ever really knew.. I haven't prayed, like really prayed, in such a long time. I've been figuring things out.. like what I really believe, what prayer really is to me, whether or not I really want God to be the number one priority in my life, stuff like that. Now I know. I know with all my heart. Jesus Christ is my number one. I need Him to be my number one. Prayer is not just a mere asking of things, because no relationship should be based on asking and asking and asking. Prayer, for me now, is a pouring out of my heart. A giving of my life to Jesus. Building a relationship. It's like I'm truly free. I say things a lot. I know the right words to say. I can convince people. But now, it's really heart knowledge, not just head knowledge. Oh, I know.. this isn't going to be some walk in the park. I'm going to have to work hard, really hard, at this relationship. But it's all I really want - to serve the One who created me. It's all I want.

This doesn't mean I'm perfect. It doesn't mean I'm not going to mess up. Simply means that I'm not trusting *me* with my life. I'm trusting Jesus Christ with my life. I'm not scared of how my life will turn out - He's already got it planned.

Have a fantastic day.

A Place in This World - Taylor Swift

I don't know what I want, so don't ask me
'Cause I'm still trying to figure it out
Don't know what's down this road, I'm just walking
Trying to see through the rain coming down
Even though I'm not the only one
Who feels the way I do

I'm alone, on my own, and that's all I know
I'll be strong, I'll be wrong, oh but life goes on
I'm just a girl, trying to find a place in
This world

Got the radio on, my old blue jeans
And I'm wearing my heart on my sleeve
Feeling lucky today, got the sunshine
Could you tell me what more do I need
And tomorrow's just a mystery, oh yeah
But that's ok

I'm alone, on my own, and that's all I know
I'll be strong, I'll be wrong, oh but life goes on
I'm just a girl, trying to find a place in
This world

Maybe I'm just a girl on a mission
But I'm ready to fly

----------------------

Yes, I do like Taylor Swift. In fact, I like her a lot.

I like this song a lot.

.. and that's really all I have to say.

Say Anything Else - Cartel

And baby don't follow their lead
'Cause you'll never know
Just how the story ends, or how the story goes
And you are so confused
And baby it's just like you
To say anything else

Whenever you get this way
Just getting up for the let down,
Mmm here they come, and yes, they're here to stay
Just getting up for the let down
Oh I'm here to say that you're the star you wanna be
Just open up and look inside and you will see, yeah
Someday you'll sing it out loud
One day this will make you proud
Whoa oh, "I know..."
Whoa oh.

And baby don't follow their lead
'Cause you never know
Just how the story ends, or how the story goes
And you are so confused,
And baby it's just like you
To say anything else

It's time for you to understand
Stop getting up for the let down
Oh, who you are is not up to them
Stop getting up for the let down

And I'm here to say that you're the star you wanna be
Just open up and look inside you will see

Someday you'll sing it out loud
One day this will make you proud
Whoa oh, "I know..."
Whoa oh.

Someday you'll sing it out loud
One day this will make you proud
Whoa oh, "I know..."
"I know..." is never good enough
So say what you want
(You know I'm wasting all my time)
You've gotta mean it when you say what you want
(You're only safe when you're alone)
And everybody's on your mind
Saying anything to get you by

And so to get what you want
(You know I'm wasting all my time)
You've gotta mean it when you say what you want
(You're only safe when you're alone)
You're wasting everybody's time
You're saying anything that gets you by

It's not, not, not gonna get you,
Gonna get you by

Someday you'll sing it out loud
One day this will make you proud
Whoa oh, "I know..."
"I know..." is never good enough

----------------------------------

Lately, I can't stop listening to this song.

I really like the "just getting up for the letdown" part. It basically describes me. I get so hyped up and hopeful for things, and then they don't end up happening. Like the Eleventyseven concert in Febuary, although I hope I'm not just getting up for the letdown, I may be going - if my parents decide they want to go up to Estes Park. So we'll see...

I used to get along with my parents really, really well. It's not like we've ever been close or anything, but I mostly obeyed and respected them. I was a great little kid, and even in junior high we got along. But lately it seems that I've been grinding a lot on their nerves, and them on mine as well. I suppose it's just part of being a teenager, but I'm not sure I like it. For instance, whenever my mom wants me to do something, the more she wants me to do it, the less I want to do it. Like playing guitar on the worship team at church. I'm okay with doing it, but the more my mother pushes me to do it, the less excited I am about it. Same thing with piano. My mom really wants me to start taking piano lessons again, but I'm not sure.. and the more she pushes, the less I want to do it. Same thing with schoolwork - writing in particular. It's really frustrating.

Yeah.

I'm really excited for the Civil War Ball on Saturday. It's going to be fun. I'm going to wear the dress from the play.. since it's fancy enough and all. Although, we're making the sleeves shorter and I'm going to wear a hoop skirt and some oldishfancyish jewlery too.

Oh! And I'm gonna hopefully get a new camera soon. I really want one.. that right now I can't think of the name of it.. but it's a Canon, and it's a pretty good camera. I've only had cheapy cameras before, so I've been wanting to get a good one, and this one that I want is a good one.

Ooh, yeah.. and if I do end up going to that Eleventyseven concert (which I'm hoping and praying!), I'm going to make Caleb a birthday cake. Because they're going to be here on Caleb's birthday. Should be fun.

Au Reviour.

Girl Of the Year - FM Static

I met this girl who likes her heavy metal
She gets excited when Slipknot plays on Leno
She's a heck of a girl with no cares in the world
And she likes it that way

She wears black socks with pink stripes in 'em
And she swears that her friend goes out with Richard Simmons
She's a one of a kind I can't get off my mind
And I like it that way

And if you listen closely you will hear them say
Stand clear she's the girl of the year
And there's no use in trying to get her off my mind
She stole my heart and she's tearin' it apart
It's never gunna be the same

She's a love potion that play with your emotions
A big swimmer that won't go near the ocean
And if everything is fine she'll get to work on time
And they like her that way

She wears black socks with pink stripes in 'em
And she swears that her friend goes out with Richard Simmons
She's a one of a kind I can't get off my mind
And I like it that way

And if you listen closely you will hear them say
Stand clear she's the girl of the year
And there's no use in trying to get her off my mind
She stole my heart and she's tearin' it apart
It's never gunna be the same

And now I'm tapin' myself together
And now I'm tapin' myself together again
And now I'm tapin' myself together
And now I'm tapin' myself together again
And I won't let this happen again
Hey Hey ayyyyHey Hey ayyyy
Together again, and again, and again.
Together again, and again, and again.
She stole my heart and she's tearin' it apart
She stole my heart and she's tearin' it apart
She stole my heart and she's tearin' it apart
It's never gunna be the same

------------------------------

Hah, I <3 this song. Makes me smile.

Sorry 'bout the emo posts.. being a female sometimes isn't fun.. =p

But I'm all good now.

I did have something to blog about.. but, uh, I forgot it.

Mood Rings - Relient K

We all know the girls that I am talking about
Well they are time bombs and they are ticking
And the only question's when they'll blow up
And they'll blow up
We know that without a doubt
'Cause they're those girls,
Yeah, you know those girls that let their emotions get the best of them

And I've contrived some sort of a plan to help my fellow man

Let's get emotional girls to all wear mood rings
So we'll be tipped off to when they're ticked off
'Cause we'll know just what they're thinking, just what they're thinking

She's so pretty but she doesnt always act that way
Her mood's swinging on the swing set almost everyday
She said to me that she's so happy its depressing
(stressed out that its soothing)
And all I said was someone get that girl a mood ring

If it's drama you want then look no further
They're like the real world meets boy meets world meets days of our lives
And it just kills me how they get away with murder
They'll anger you then bat their eyes
Those pretty eyes that watch you sympathize

And I've contrived some sort of a plan to help my fellow man

Let's get emotional girls to all wear mood rings
So we'll be tipped off to when they're ticked off
'Cause we'll know just what they're thinking, just what they're thinking

'Cause when its black it means watch your back because you're probably
The last person in the world right now she wants to see
And when its blue it means that you should call her up immediately
And ask her out because she'll most likely agree
And when its green it simply means that she is really stressed
And when its clear it means shes completely emotionless
(and thats alright I must confess)

We all know the girls that I am talking about
She liked you Wednesday but now its Friday and she has to wash her hair
And it just figures that we'll never figure them out
First she's Jekyll and then she's Hyde
At least she makes a lovely pair

Mood ring oh mood ring
Oh tell me will you bring
The key to unlock this mystery
Of girls and their emotions
Play it back in slow motion
So I may understand the complex infrastructure
Known as the female mind

------------------------------------------

Lately it seems like I've been on an emotional rollercoaster ride - and for no apparant reason either. Not all that much has really been changing in my life. But my emotions keep on swaying.

I couldn't sleep at all last night.. stayed up 'til almost two.. then woke up at seven thirty. I'm not really tired either.. just.. here.

That's the way most of my life seems like. Like I'm just here. Not doing anything worthwhile.

I was thinking about my past last night.. and it kinda scared me. I don't remember all that much. Oh, sure, I remember specific events, but I don't remember much of anything about everyday life. blah.

I'm a mess.

Numb - Linkin Park

I'm tired of being what you want me to be
Feeling so faithless lost under the surface
Don't know what you're expecting of me
Put under the pressure of walking in your shoes
(Caught in the undertow just caught in the undertow)
Every step that I take is another mistake to you
(Caught in the undertow just caught in the undertow)

I've become so numb
I can't feel you there
Become so tired so much more aware
I'm becoming this all I want to do
Is be more like me and be less like you

Can't you see that you're smothering me
Holding too tightly afraid to lose control
Cause everything that you thought I would be
Has fallen apart right in front of you
(Caught in the undertow just caught in the undertow)
Every step that I take is another mistake to you
(Caught in the undertow just caught in the undertow)
And every second I waste is more than I can take

I've become so numb
I can't feel you there
Become so tired so much more aware
I'm becoming this all I want to do
Is be more like me and be less like you

And I know
I may end up failing too
But I know
You were just like me with someone disappointed in you

I've become so numb
I can't feel you there
Become so tired so much more aware
I'm becoming this all I want to do
Is be more like me and be less like you

I've become so numb
I can't feel you there
I'm tired of being what you want me to be
I've become so numb
I can't feel you there
I'm tired of being what you want me to be

----------------------------------

It seems that things keep on going wrong lately.

I lost my cellphone. My mp3 player broke again, and then I thought I fixed it but I really didn't. My camera is a piece of crap and keeps breaking. I got my hair cut and it didn't turn out anywhere near the way I wanted it. I can't seem to do anything right. Everytime I try to do something that matters, I fail miserably.

I tried looking at missions trips for this summer. Found some that I would have *loved* to go on. One of them was with Faceless International, but they never emailed me back with information about it.. and then I found out you have to be 18 to go on it. Then I found some others, but those were quickly shot down by my parents.. "it's too expensive", "you'll be gone too long!", "your sister is already going on a missions trip", blah blah blah...

I want to do something more than stay at home and sit on my butt all day... but it doesn't look like that'll happen. Missions trips are out of the question, as is going to Illinois for Cornerstone - both things I desperatly wanted to do this summer. Camp is lame... and yeah.. there's really not much else.

I hate my job. I can't stand seeing all the gluttonous people coming in day after day after day and stuffing their faces with discustingly fatty foods. I hate working in fast food. Hate it. I've tried looking for another job, even applied at the library.. they haven't called me back.

I found out that eleventyseven is going to be coming back here to Colorado. I was overjoyed.. until I found out that it's at a three day thing that's most likely a private event.. and even if it wasn't private, my parents wouldn't take me to a three day concert thing.

*sigh*

It seems like I was on this major-huge happy high and then it all came crashing down all over me. Like I don't deserve to be happy, like the Charlie Brown quote..

It also seems like lately I can't do anything right in my parents eyes. My schoolwork is never good enough. My music is too loud. I spend too much time on the computer. My eye-makeup is too heavy. I'm not outgoing enough. I wear too much black. I have too far-fetched dreams. and on and on and on. It's like they need me to be more like them. But I can't do that..

[/rant]

I keep dreaming that it's 2&1/2 years from now and I have my van.. and I'm finally free. But it's not then. I have to be here, in this house for another 2&1/2 years. I'm already getting senioritis and I'm only a sophomore.. this is not good..