Don't Be There - Switchfoot

Don't be there
'Cause I'm on my way
And I'm already gone over
And I'm on my way

And I can't recall myself
How I went down
Did I get shot
Or shoot myself

I'm down here
And you're way up there
But that doesn't hurt badly
But it stings right here

And I won't pretend there's
Nothing there
You be around and I'll be square
Don't be alarmed if I'm not there
You be around and I'll be square

If you're a rose
Then I'm the thorn
That's in your side

And does it hurt badly
'Cause it burns right here

I'd like to say hello
I'd like to say I care
I'd like to let you know
That nothing here's the same with me
Nothing here's the same

Don't be around
Don't be there
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I've been listening to this song over and over for the past hour.

It makes me think fo all the friendships I've had. All those friendshops where both me and the other said the whole "BFF!" stuff. Now I don't even know them anymore... well, not really. The friends I've had and me, we've grown so far apart.. I'd still like to think we're really good friends, but the truth is, we're not. Times have changed. We've all moved on to new lives.. we're not in elementary school and junior high anymore. I have no idea who my old best friends are.. and I can guarantee they don't know who I am. It's strange how much time has changed me... has changed all of us.

I miss it. Having best friends. Having going to the park and just being dorky little kids together be enough. I miss having cutting be stepping in front of someone in a line. I miss silly dreams, and giggling over nothing, and trying to stay up all night but falling asleep at ten. I miss not having to worry about being cool, and staying skinny. I miss having my biggest problems being whether or not I'd get that new toy. I miss it all.

Now that I'm older, it gets harder and harder to find friends, you could say. My closest friends live in other states. It's really kind of sad... but with the whole being in a tiny/miniscule youth group/church, and having a crappy job.. and those being my only forms of socialization, it's more than a bit difficult to find rl friends.

Eh. I have no reason to mope. I'm a blessed person.. what with all I have.

This may sound bad, like, really wrong.. but sometimes (most of the time) I wish I had a real reason to be angry at the world. But I really don't.. there's nothing terribly difficult in my life. I'm so frustrated with myself.. I've been thinking about cutting lately.. and I know, with all my heart that I shouldn't do it - that my life isn't that bad - that the organization I support most is one that tries to prevent and stop self-mutilation. But I can't stop myself from wanting it. I know it's horrible.. but I can't. I probally won't ever get up the guts to actually do it - so that's a relief.. or a curse, whichever way you look at it.

Man. I ramble way too much. >_<

"'Don't Be There' was inspired by a bittersweet period in my life when I was growing further apart from a dear friend of mine. I will always treasure our friendship; I will never forget the beautiful memories. Yet, youth can be synonymous with change as we begin to learn and discover and experience life more and more. My friend and I had changed since we met, and our distance hurt both of us. 'Don't Be There' is built around the conflicting desires that I had concerning this friendship?" -Jon Foreman