Numb - Linkin Park

I'm tired of being what you want me to be
Feeling so faithless lost under the surface
Don't know what you're expecting of me
Put under the pressure of walking in your shoes
(Caught in the undertow just caught in the undertow)
Every step that I take is another mistake to you
(Caught in the undertow just caught in the undertow)

I've become so numb
I can't feel you there
Become so tired so much more aware
I'm becoming this all I want to do
Is be more like me and be less like you

Can't you see that you're smothering me
Holding too tightly afraid to lose control
Cause everything that you thought I would be
Has fallen apart right in front of you
(Caught in the undertow just caught in the undertow)
Every step that I take is another mistake to you
(Caught in the undertow just caught in the undertow)
And every second I waste is more than I can take

I've become so numb
I can't feel you there
Become so tired so much more aware
I'm becoming this all I want to do
Is be more like me and be less like you

And I know
I may end up failing too
But I know
You were just like me with someone disappointed in you

I've become so numb
I can't feel you there
Become so tired so much more aware
I'm becoming this all I want to do
Is be more like me and be less like you

I've become so numb
I can't feel you there
I'm tired of being what you want me to be
I've become so numb
I can't feel you there
I'm tired of being what you want me to be

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It seems that things keep on going wrong lately.

I lost my cellphone. My mp3 player broke again, and then I thought I fixed it but I really didn't. My camera is a piece of crap and keeps breaking. I got my hair cut and it didn't turn out anywhere near the way I wanted it. I can't seem to do anything right. Everytime I try to do something that matters, I fail miserably.

I tried looking at missions trips for this summer. Found some that I would have *loved* to go on. One of them was with Faceless International, but they never emailed me back with information about it.. and then I found out you have to be 18 to go on it. Then I found some others, but those were quickly shot down by my parents.. "it's too expensive", "you'll be gone too long!", "your sister is already going on a missions trip", blah blah blah...

I want to do something more than stay at home and sit on my butt all day... but it doesn't look like that'll happen. Missions trips are out of the question, as is going to Illinois for Cornerstone - both things I desperatly wanted to do this summer. Camp is lame... and yeah.. there's really not much else.

I hate my job. I can't stand seeing all the gluttonous people coming in day after day after day and stuffing their faces with discustingly fatty foods. I hate working in fast food. Hate it. I've tried looking for another job, even applied at the library.. they haven't called me back.

I found out that eleventyseven is going to be coming back here to Colorado. I was overjoyed.. until I found out that it's at a three day thing that's most likely a private event.. and even if it wasn't private, my parents wouldn't take me to a three day concert thing.

*sigh*

It seems like I was on this major-huge happy high and then it all came crashing down all over me. Like I don't deserve to be happy, like the Charlie Brown quote..

It also seems like lately I can't do anything right in my parents eyes. My schoolwork is never good enough. My music is too loud. I spend too much time on the computer. My eye-makeup is too heavy. I'm not outgoing enough. I wear too much black. I have too far-fetched dreams. and on and on and on. It's like they need me to be more like them. But I can't do that..

[/rant]

I keep dreaming that it's 2&1/2 years from now and I have my van.. and I'm finally free. But it's not then. I have to be here, in this house for another 2&1/2 years. I'm already getting senioritis and I'm only a sophomore.. this is not good..