you're so fond of dying - Children 18:3

It's a lesson in progress
How far away can we go?
Everything is progress
As far as I know

Take a life and make it something less, please
Anything more than stupid tests
And tests and tests and tests
I found the answer to my selfishness

Cry, cry, cry
Please stop killing us
(You know we're all so fond of dying)
Please stop using us
They'll never shut up
Please stop killing us
(You know we're all so fond of dying)
Please stop using us

It's an acceptable practice
And I am loathe to say
Snuffed out the wicks from a sea of candles
Maybe Jesus could take it away

Please stop killing us
(You know we're all so fond of dying)
Please stop using us
They'll never shut up
Please stop killing us
(You know we're all so fond of dying)
Please stop using us

The carousel comes 'round again I cry and scream, but I pretend
They're running down and I can't chase
Or put that smile out of place
Say it isn't so!

Come, they come to take them all away
But I'm not going home
Come, they come to take my soul away
But I'm not going home

Cry, cry, cry
And we hear them sing..

i would love to have a conversation with jon foreman someday.

i absolutely love this blog of his:
http://blog.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendID=197111722&blogID=314101948&Mytoken=5C7A87A8-616A-4738-AA5C9AB80912DF8767308879

calender marks - my favorite highway

I've fallen victim to my greatest fear
The calendar marks that I lost a whole year
Three-sixty-five, barely alive
Grace took her good natured time to arrive
Oh my fod, this year has dealt me a horrible hand
I'll try and explain, but you won't understand
Well wait, what's today's date?
There's plenty of time left to procrastinate, or plan my escape

Let me go
Let me go

The Autumn leaves join in a bittersweet chorus
A hymn so inspired as if to inform us they're leaving soon
She sends a kiss that we just barely miss
Before Winter sets in and exposes our sins

Let me go
Let me go

I want to be where nobody knows me
I'll be behind the perfect disguise
I'll drive away, I'll dissapear
I want to be anywhere, but here

Spring-time, ever changing
My life's re-arranging
So it seems I'm going down now
Tears fall on the ash, my heart's fading fast

Let me go
Let me go

While I wait for the New Year
To introduce new fears
While I'm wishing that I could be
Anywhere, but here

------------------


tonight really hasn't been a very good night.
i had some coffee, and it wasn't even good coffee, which was a mistake. because now i can't sleep.
i cut my finger really bad on the trashcan.. and it hurts uber-bad. all i was doing was putting on the lid, because i was putting the trashcan outside so the trashmen can take it early tomorrow morning, and when i put up the handle to secure the lid, it bit me. =[
and my jeans ripped when i was babysitting at church. not like, knee ripped either. like, the whole pocket on the back ripped off. which was bad. and they were new jeans too.
and right now i have a song stuck in my head. but only one line from the song. and i don't know who it's by. and it's really really bothering me.

on the upside, i did get a really awesome shirt. it says "it's okay, i'm with the band". haha. i think it will be my new concert t-shirt.

eh.

my parents frustrate me a bit. they just do their job, you know, being parents, not friends.. but i sometimes wish it were different. i mean, as long as i keep my grades up, don't swear, don't wear too much makeup, don't draw on myself, and am generally a "good girl", they don't really care what i do. i was talking with a friend the other day and she was talking about how close her and her mom are - and how she tells her mom everything. i can't imagine that. my mom and i aren't close at all.
the other day, i had "love" written on my arm for love is the movement day, and my parents got all pissed off. they said i shouldn't write on myself because it 'doesn't look good' - and they would give me any other reason than that. it frustrates me to no end when people won't give me real reasons for something - especially real reasons about why it's wrong or not.
it seems like lately all my parents have been doing is getting mad at me because i haven't been doing things right, or good enough. maybe it's just the typical teenager-parent relationship.. but it frustrates me. because it seems the harder i try to do better, the worse i do.

random: fanfiction is very creepy.

i have really no plans for this summer, and it makes me sad. because normally i'm doing a bunch of stuff - like missions trips, camp, visiting people, and la-de-dah.. but this year, it's like, caput. i mean, i may go to heavenfest in july if they get some more good bands.. and want to go to warpedtour.. but those both depend on if i can find a concert buddy (because sarah is going to be gone) and on if my parents will let me go / take me. blah.


i think i complain too much.

amazing because it is - aaron gillespie

twloha street team

bigger than love - my favorite highway

We've all got scars as big as ours
A token for the pain we hide inside of us
Everyone's scared that somebody knows
You keep it inside, yeah, that's how it goes
If you've ever heard a beating heart
A rhythm for the songs we're too afraid to sing
Nobody here is perfectly fine
A delicate frame, a fragile design

If there's a hole in your heart
You gotta pull it together
It takes the courage to start
But now is better than never
It takes a push and a shove
Somehow it's never enough
And it's alarming how quick you could forget that

Nothing's bigger than love
Nothing's bigger than love
Nothing's bigger than love
All you need, all you need is love

Some people change and some just won't
You can't take back the words you wish you'd never said
Promises break and lovers will lie
You hold up your hands and let out a sigh
So smile right before you fall
And lay beside this mess and call it consequence
Somebody said that life isn't fair
When somebody else was saying a prayer

No one's taking me out
Nothing's pulling me down
I turn my head to the crowd
This love is big and it's loud
This is the car in the crash
This is the light in the flash
This is the answers you know
But you're just too scared ask

If there's a hole your heart
You gotta pull it together
It takes the courage to start
But now is better than never
It takes a push and a shove
Somehow it's never enough

-----------------------------------

i'm so done with it all. i'm done with having all the questions but not having any of the answers. i'm done with saying that i'll do things but never doing them. i'm just.. done. day by day, that's how it's going to be. no more regretting things i didn't do. no more wishing i could do things i'll never do. no more asking questions to answers that will never come.

it's just me. starting over. 'it takes courage to start, but now is better than never'. love. trust. hope.

i wrote about five pages, front and back, in my journal last night. it felt so good to just... write.

all we need is love. <3

You're Making It Come Alive - My Favorite Highway

I've finally come to realize that we are all the same
If there's nothing left to lose, then there's every to gain
All the paragraphs and pages you could write could not contain
It is curious and careless and it's flowing through my veins

The fear of growing old, and doing what you're told

You can't disguise a heart while it's breaking
You hide behind the smile you're faking
It's all about the the chance you're taking
Oh, and you know that you're making it all come alive

If your life is so damn comfortable, then why do you complain?
A reflection in the alcohol you're pouring down the drain
Just because you paint a picture doesn't mean it fits the frame
This is my West Coast intervention and I'm getting on that plane

When all of your mistakes are keeping you awake

The sun is setting and it's ending 'cause you're letting it go
Forgetting everything you already know
And it all goes to show that you're moving to slow
It will end up changing you, it will end up changing you

Life flies by so you have to embrace it
Forget the past 'cause you cannot erase it
So live the dream, and learn to chase it
And when you can almost taste it
It's all come alive


-----------

My Favorite Highway is awesome.

This is my 21st post in Febuary, my 50th post on this blog.

cheese and crackers..

I'm in a weird mood tonight.

I'm insane.

Yep, pretty much. It's not a bad insane though.. it's a good insane. But it's still insane.

I was thinking today while riding the bus to/from work... because the bus rides are an hour each way. >_<
Anyway. I was thinking about life, and living. There's an Anberlin lyric that I really like that says "there's more to living than being alive". But what is truly living? I mean, really. Many say to just go out there and live you're life.. but what does that entail? Is it just going through the motions of everyday things? Is it doing something new and exciting every day?
I dunno. It kinda confuses me. What exactly are we supposed to do to live our lives to the fullest? What is living your life to the fullest?

I doubt I'll ever know. It's probally one of those questions we're just not meant to know the answer too... eh.

I'm so done with working at chick-fil-a. fast food is evil. EVIL, I tell you! haha. But, seriously.. I've been looking at some places downtown, but nobody's really hiring right now. I need to call the library to check on my application...
I really want to take a photography class... so I need to start looking.. there might be one at the rec center or something.. eh.

Uh. Yeah.

maybe, you're gonna be the one that saves me..

I hate feeling like this... feeling depressed and emo when I don't want to be.
I've figured out how I know if my depression is real, or if I'm just caught up in an emo moment. Because when it's real, I don't want it to be, and I can't get out of it by myself. When it's just being a teenager, I can easily change my mood.

I'm pretty much really messed up. mmhmm.

Because on and off,
The clouds have fought
For control over the sky
And lately the weather
Has been so bi-polar
And consequently, so have I.


Edit: It's 3:35. And I'm fine now. Where as, this morning, I could have easily been suicidal.

Maybe I don't know the difference...

Shout to the Lord. (aka, the happenings of 2/16/08)

My Jesus, My Savior
Lord there is none like You
All of my days, I want to praise
The wonders of Your mighty love

My Comfort, My Shelter
Tower of refuge and strength
Let every breath, all that I am
Never cease to worship You

Shout to the Lord, all the earth
Let us sing.
Power and majesty, praise to the King
Mountains bow down and the seas will roar
At the sound of Your name
I sing for joy at the work of Your hands
Forever I'll love you, forever I'll stand
Nothing compares to the promise I have in You!

My Jesus, My Savior
Lord there is none like You
All of my days, I want to praise
The wonders of Your mighty love

My Comfort, My Shelter
Tower of refuge and strength
Let every breath, all that I am
Never cease to worship You

Shout to the Lord, all the earth
Let us sing.
Power and majesty, praise to the King.
Mountains bow down and the seas will roar
At the sound of Your name
I sing for joy at the work of Your hands
Forever I'll love you, forever I'll stand
Nothing compares to the promise I have in You!

----------------------------

^^ That was the last song eleventyseven performed at their concert on Saturday night. I love that song.

Before the concert, on Saturday afternoon, my grandparents had their 50th anniversary party. It was wonderful. My grandma looked the liveliest I've seen her since she's been in the hospital.

Just so you know, the "we" in this story is me and my sister. and occasionally it will include my dad too.

After the party, we headed up to Estes Park. We got in about 8:20 (because the concert doors didn't open until 8:30, and the concert didn't start until 9:30) and grabbed a quick supper, and then headed over to the building that the eleventyconcert was going to be in. We waited around for about a half hour until the previous thing was over (because the concert was part of a retreat, even though it was open to the public), and once it was over Jonathan came out of a back room. I started waving, and he came over and was all like "Hannah? Hannah Simpson!". He gave me a hug and we talked for a couple minutes. And then Caleb came out and I gave him a hug and his birthday cake. He told me that he kept on forgetting it was his birthday. Silly boy. Then Matt came out and said hey, and then they had to go get ready for the show.

The show was uber-fun. They played all my favorite songs, and some of their other songs (that I love too!) and the backstreet boys cover, and the garth brooks cover. We danced and had fun, and Caleb wore the birthday boy pin that I gave him, and Jonathan kept on cracking jokes about all the scene kids (because there were lots of scene kids there). After they played "How it Feels", Matt and Caleb were going back and forth saying "I love you, and you're my best friend!", and so I shouted out that I love Jonathan, and Jonathan shouted back saying that he loves Hannah Simpson. Then Matt was all like "Hannah Simpson's here?! Come up here Hannah Simpson!". (he used my full name the whole night) So I went up and gave them all hugs, and Matt told a story about why I'm awesome: "There once was an evil, rogue unicorn" (Jonathan: "who's name was CCM!") "who had backed me and Caleb up into a corner, and was going to spear us through and kill us! Then Hannah came dressed in Halo 3 armor and shot a plasma grenade on the unicorn's pants and saved us!".It was funny, and I laughed. What was funnier though, was that my sister was in the crowd still, and she says that there were a bunch of fangirls going "OMG! does she really know them? That's like, a dream come true!". I laughed even harder when I heard that.Anyway, after the story, Matt asked me what song I wanted them to play for me, but before I could answer, Caleb and Jonathan told him that he should make a song up for me right there. So he did. It made me smile. I wish I could've recorded it. (I think I'm gonna order the dvd that the retreat place made though, because they recorded the concert - hopefully the whole concert) After that, he asked me again what song they should play for me. I tried to get them to play Blue Lights, but they wouldn't. haha. So they played Happiness for me, and we danced and had fun and such. Then they played a song or two more, and the show was over.

After the show, we waited around for most/all of the fans to leave. I talked with my dad about the show and such.. (haha, he enjoyed it) and Caleb had me go out to their van to get some cd's for them because they had run out at the merch table. After the fans had left, I gave Caleb his presents and Amanda's card, and I gave them all their unicorn, and then we just hung out and talked for about 45 minutes, and then we left because my dad was waiting, and they were packing up all the merch and stuff and were going to be leaving soon as well. The poor boys - they had already been driving a ton in the past couple days, and then they had a 24 hour drive home.
It was a spiffy-cool-eleventyamazing night, and I had a wonderful time. ^_^

The whole weekend was wonderful. Hearing my dad talk on the way up and down from Estes Park was really cool. My grandma's party was cool. The concert was AMAZING.

I had a good weekend.

tomorrow - avril lavigne

and i wanna believe you,
when you tell me that it'll be ok,
yeah, i try to believe you,
but i don't.

when you say that it's gonna be,
it always turns out to be a different way,
i try to believe you,
not today, today, today, today, today...

i don't know how to feel,
tomorrow, tomorrow,
I don't know what to say,
tomorrow, tomorrow
is a different day

it's always been up to you,
it's turning around,
it's up to me,
i'm gonna do what I have to do,
just do

give me a little time,
leave me alone a little while,
maybe it's not too late,
not today, today, today, today, today...

i don't know how to feel,
tomorrow, tomorrow,
i don't know what to say,
tomorrow, tomorrow
is a different day

and I know I'm not ready,
maybe tomorrow

and I wanna believe you,
when you tell me that it'll be ok,
yeah, I try to believe you,
not today, today, today, today, today...

tomorrow it may change

i hate people.

well, not really... at least, not all of them. just the general population. there are a few that i like.

it intrigues me how much my feelings for a person / people can change because of a few simple words.

and the sad thing is, while i tend to say i don't care what other people think about me, i tend to care quite a lot.

draygons and unicorns. i need to stop caring so much.

Our Flag is White - This Providence

I'll run and hide under my bed
You're calling my name from outside my door
But I'm not ready yet
For a revolution to start in me

'Cause I'm just scared of losing control
I'm terrified of who I'll become with You
I'm just scared
The world hates you and it's gonna hate me too

A cry for help rings in your ear
I'm calling your name from inside this hole that I've dug myself into
It's so wrong
My self-centered prayers as if You don't care for anyone but me
Give me a day
That's all it takes for me to turn my back on You

'Cause I'm just scared of losing control
I'm terrified of who I'll become with You
I'm just scared
The world hates You and it's gonna hate me too

The whole world hates us
The whole world hates our song
But still we sing
But still we sing along

So here I am
A wary heart and trembling hands
Waiting for the words to leave Your lips
So here I am
A wary heart and trembling hands
Waiting for the words to leave your lips
(This could be the hardest step that I'll take)

Here I am
A wary heart and trembling hands
Waiting for the words to leave your lips
(This could be the hardest step that I'll take)

The whole world hates us
The whole world hates our song
But still we sing
But still we sing along
('Cause I'm just scared of losing control
I'm terrified of who I'll become with You
I'm just scared
The world hates You and it's gonna hate me too)

-------------

I really, really like This Providence. I need to go out and get their cds.

I've come to the conclusion that I think Jesus just meant for us to live like He did. You know, like, taking care of the poor... living a good life, following God, etc. I mean, if you look at the way Christians are supposed to live, we're supposed to be out there helping, and caring. Not sitting on our butts having our churches cater to our needs. And I think that the only other thing that Jesus wants from us is for us to have a relationship with Him. Because that is what He wants - a relationship with us. I still kindof fail at the whole keeping-up-a-relationship-with-Him thing though. Like the song says "Give me a day - that's all it takes for me to turn my back on You". I can be really good at praying/doing my Bible study one day, and not do it for weeks after that. I'm really bad a going through with things that I don't wholeheartedly want to do, but know it's beneficial for me. Like eating healthy and excercising, I don't really do that either - but I know it would be very beneficial for me to do. I dunno.. it just seems that I don't deserve to have that type of good in my life. I don't deserve to be skinny. I don't deserve the love of Christ. And I don't think I'm quite ready to have a daily sacrifice for Christ. Which is really bad, I know. Because most people aren't ready for the things that are thrust upon them. I've been feeling a lot of pressure lately to figure it all out.

So, basically, my mind is a mess, even though I have figured out a few things..

12 Step Programs - Eleventyseven

I've tried to do this on my own
Without the help of telephones
The only place I need to be
Is right here where I'm forced to see that
I can fight against disease
Or let it take me out to sea
Either way I just might drown
But I'd rather swim than hit the ground

I'm willing now to do what it takes to see
That the boy looking back in the mirror isn't me

So take back your 12 step self-help programs
And let me tell you all about how
It was self that got me here in the first place
And self that taught me how to replace
Everything I know with every other option
But the only right way to go

Yeah, I'm pretty sure that now it shows
I could never see far past my nose
And I'm almost positive these pills
Are the only thing that ever made me ill so
I'll make it through another week
Despite the fact that I can't sleep
The only problem I can see
Is this is not who I'm meant to be and

I'm ready now to do what it takes to see
That the boy looking back in the mirror isn't me

So take back your 12 step self-help programs
And let me tell you all about how
It was self that got me here in the first place
And self that taught me how to replace
Everything I know with every other option
But the only right way to go

'Cause I've been feeling so temperamental
And everybody's been thinking
'Mental!, ha, keword!'
The only I have to hold to is a promise
You put another life inside of me
That's not my own

So take back your 12 step self-help programs
And let me tell you all about how
It was self that got me here in the first place
And self that taught me how to replace
Everything I know with every other option
But the only right way to go

So take back all your self-help programs

-------------------------------

This is my favorite song. Ever.
I love those guys so much. I'm so excited for Saturday. It's gonna be fun. I'm making Caleb a cake, and a pillow for his birthday. ^_^


I can't help but wonder why God loves me. Why anybody loves me, really. I'm not that special. I'm not a person who deserves love.. I don't deserve much of anything - anything good, that is.


eh.

well versed in the ways of the world - this providence

they hold it all together as i stand back in envy
is there a hurting heart behind that smile?
a world of hurting hearts
a few broken generations
it's not safe, stay away from
follow me's are everywhere
in a world that lacks commitment
you very quickly learn to justify your actions so follow the truth
but it seems like they've got it all and all i have is you
they've got it all i have is you. wait,
how can i entertain these thoughts of a life with out you?
i'm loosing my mind and with that the love of my life
i step out my door to a beautiful day
and a world full of hate but i still hold on to a hope for you and me
yeah i still hold on to this foolish hope
take it or leave it it's only a matter of life or death

somewhere weakness is our strength..

I wish people would just tell me the that they don't know instead of saying one thing, and then saying another, and then saying the original thing again.

It's very frustrating.


Random: I've decided I really like headbands. And I think I'm going to get my hair cut shorter, like, right below my chin.

i'm really, really not.. that concieted, i swear i'm not..

i've decided to never ever ever get my hopes up for anything, because they always get dashed mercilessly into a thousand pieces on very sharp rocks.

*sigh*

Card House Dreamer - This Providence

My world is falling apart.
I was a fool, I never saw it coming.
Oh no, no.
My life is like a card house.
A delicate construction
With no regard for the wind.

Everybody's changing.
Oh everybody's changing.
And I don't know know know know know how much more I can take.

I thought I had everything under control.
I couldn't have been more wrong.
I thought I held my world in my hands.
Until it broke and I awoke from this foolish dream.

I put so much of myself in everything else.
Yeah in everything else.
It was a dream come seemingly true.
Torn at the seams revealing a nightmare.

I thought I had everything under control.
I couldn't have been more wrong.
I thought I held my world in my hands.
Until it broke and I awoke from this foolish dream.

I thought I had everything under control.
I couldn't have been more wrong.I
thought I held my world in my hands.
Until it broke my heart.

Everything I loved had changed.
Coffee and cigarettes can't save me.
No, it's a hope where there's no chance of a hope in the world.
And I'm hoping for. (I'm hoping for)

I thought I had everything under control.
I couldn't have been more wrong.

I thought I held my world in my hands.
Until it broke and I awoke from this foolish dream.
I thought I had everything under control.
Well, I couldn't have been more wrong.

I thought I held my world in my hands.
Until it broke my heart.
Everything I loved was flawed.

-------------------------

I really like This Providence.

I'm feeling somewhat better. I got a call from Caleb (eleventyseven) last night.. that was nice. I definitly needed a pick-me-upper, and that call was the perfect thing. =]

i've been jumping from the tops of buildings..

i find it somewhat funny how i was very adamant at the beginning of the year that this year would be a good year. but it hasn't been a good year much at all. in fact, it's been quite the opposite.

"I hurt myself today to see if I still feel
I focus on the pain - the only thing that's real" -NIN

I've been thinking about how different I am in real life then I am here. It's quite a difference.. because although in rl I wear a lot of black and such, I'm normally smiling. While I look hardcore and such, I seem to be a generally happy person. But that's not really how it is.. as any who read this blog can attest. eh. it's not a big deal I suppose.. but it's strange. the people who know most about me are ones who I've never met, or only seen once..

"I have learned now that while those who speak about one’s miseries usually hurt, those who keep silence hurt more." - C.S. Lewis

and i'll have you know, i'm scared to death.

i currently feel like curling up in a little ball, and crying myself to sleep, and then never wake up from sleeping.

i know i shouldn't have done it. it didn't even feel that good.. but i had to try it. i had to.



now i have to go clean my house, oh joys, because my relatives from kansas are coming to stay with us for who knows how long. gah.

The Last Night - Skillet

You come to me with scars on your wrist
You tell me this will be the last night feeling like this
I just came to say goodbye
I didn't want you to see me cry, I'm fine
But I know it's a lie.

[Chorus:]
This is the last night you'll spend alone
Look me in the eyes so I know you know
I'm everywhere you want me to be.
The last night you'll spend alone,
I'll wrap you in my arms and I won't let go,
I'm everything you need me to be.

Your parents say everything is your fault
But they don't know you like I know you they don't know you at all
I'm so sick of when they say
It's just a phase, you'll be okay, you're fine
But I know it's a lie.

[Chorus]

The last night away from me
The night is so long when everything's wrong
If you give me your hand I will help you hold on
Tonight, tonight.

[Chorus]

I won't let you say goodbye,
I'll be your reason why.
The last night away from me,
Away from me.

-----------------------

I think I fail miserably at this whole relationship-with-Jesus thing. I can say all the right things and make it sound like it's going perfectly and I'm a great person because I love Jesus and blahblahblah... but it wouldn't be the truth. Oh, yeah, I still believe in God. I think I'm scared not too. I still love Him. But it's not the perfect relationship that I've made it out to be. Infact, it sucks. I hate feeling like it's a one-sided relationship.. and I'm not strong enough to make myself believe it's not. I'm uber-confused about this whole God thing. Like, last week, I totally felt like it was all real, and I could believe it forever, and Jesus was my number one, and blahblahblah. But now I don't feel any of that. And it frustrates me majorly.


My grandmother is dying. Like, literally dying. The cancer is a lot farther along than they originally thought, and last night the doctors told us that chemo won't work, basically nothing will work, and that she has a few months at most to live. It's just.. not right. I mean, one day everything's fine, the next, she's dying. It's insane. When they originally said she had one-to-five years to live, it was okay... because she still had awhile.. but with the latest diagnosis, it really hits hard. It's not like I'm really close to my grandma or anything like that (because I'm not - I'm not really close to anyone in my family, or anyone in real life for that matter...) but she's still my grandma. And it still hurts. I've accepted it, and I think I can be content with the fact that she's going home to Jesus... and I want to be happy about that. But I feel like I'm content and happy about her and her condition, then I'll be bad person. Like I'm not supposed to feel that.

Oh, and I took a self-evaluation test thingy. It said I'm suicidal with major depression, and have social phobia. Very comforting, eh?

*sigh*

Why does everything have to be so damn confusing?

"There is no bad luck... just trials traveling in packs. When it rains it pours, but after it pours it stops."

Matthew Thiessen (Relient K) said this in his most recent blog. i like it... mostly because it's true.

it was wicked cold today. now it's really foggy, and it's snowing. just a light snow though, and it's not sticking yet.. but it most likely will later on. God is definitly creative with the weather here...

i think i'm manic-depressive, or something of the sorts. it's really strange how quickly my moods can change.

i think i've figured out why i post songs so much... it's mostly because i think other people express things in words better than i ever could. and because 'songs are brave things bold enough to sing when all they know is darkness.'

i love jamie tworkowski. if i were older, and he were younger, i would marry him.


currently listening: the great escape by boyslikegirls
current mood: contemplative

You Be The Anchor That Keeps My Feet On The Ground, I'll Be The Wings That Keeps Your Heart In The Clouds - Mayday Parade

And honestly, I have been begging for answers
That you and only you can give to me
My voice crying loud
I've been crying for days now
And as I start to run, I stop to breathe
(Cause I was nearly scared to death)
Cause I was nearly scared to death
(By what you left in paragraphs)
By what you left in paragraphs
(The words were nearly over us)
The words were nearly over us
You stopped and turned and grabbed your bags

I'll be here by the ocean
Just waiting for proof that there's sunsets and silhouette dreams
While my sand castles fall like the ashes of cigarettes
And every waves drags me to sea
I could stand here for hours
Just to ask God the question, "Is everyone here make-believe?"
With a tear in His voice, He said, "Son, that's the question."
Does this deafening silence mean nothing to no one but me?

As hours move to minutes,
But minutes take longer to break
I will be desperately awaiting
While my tongue will fall apart
And we've been sitting here for hours
All alone and in the dark
So let me think of how to word it
Is it too soon to say 'perfect'?
If I could find another thirty minutes somewhere
I'm sure everything would find me
All that's left is just to sing

I'll be here by the ocean
Just waiting for proof that there's sunsets and silhouette dreams
While my sand castles fall like the ashes of cigarettes
And every waves drags me to sea
I could stand here for hours
Just to ask God the question, "Is everyone here make-believe?"
With a tear in His voice, He said, "Son, that's the question."
Does this deafening silence mean nothing to no one but me?

And if you sing to me sweet until then,
I may never sail Virginia again
And as this current moves slow for me,
This much you must know...we'll meet again
And I'll have you know I'm scared to death
So tell me once again
That you'll love me til the death
And should I die you swear that you will come for me
As I fade away, you reach out your arms
(And please don't let me go)
And please don't let me go
(And please don't let me go)
And please don't let me go

I'll be here by the ocean
Just waiting for proof that there's sunsets and silhouette dreams
While my sand castles fall like the ashes of cigarettes
And every waves drags me to sea
I could stand here for hours
Just to ask God the question, "Is everyone here make-believe?"
With a tear in His voice, He said, "Son, that's the question."
Does this deafening silence mean nothing to no one but me?

And honestly, I have been begging for answers...

Everything is resolved. Well, at least concerning the last post. The rest of my life is still insane.

I worry too much. Or do I? *sigh*

Found a wonderful C.S. Lewis quote today..
"I believe in Christianity as I believe that the sun has risen: not only because I see it, but because by it I see everything else."

hmm.

I'm at the end of my cold.. I think.. maybe. I hope. I hate being sick.

I haven't been able to think straight tonight... might be the cause of cold medicine, but I don't really think so... my thoughts have been whirling around at 90 miles an hour. it's driving me insane. I'm scared to death of my life right now. I don't have any control... and right now, I'm not comforted by that thought. I can't help but think that there's going to be a lot of hurt in these next few months....


Currently listening too: You Be The Anchor - Mayday Parade
Current mood: listless

I know I made the right decision. I know it with all my heart.

But I never meant for that decision to help screw up a friendship.

And that hurts more than anything.