i just don't care anymore.

You Found Me - The Fray

I found God
On the corner of First and Amistad
Where the west
Was all but won
All alone
Smoking his last cigarette
I said, Where you been?
He said, Ask anything.

Where were you
When everything was falling apart?
All my days
Were spent by the telephone
That never rang
And all I needed was a call
It never came
To the corner of First and Amistad

Lost and insecure
You found me, you found me
Lying on the floor
Surrounded, surrounded
Why’d you have to wait?
Where were you, where were you?
Just a little late
You found me, You found me

In the end
Everyone ends up alone
Losing her
The only one who’s ever known
Who I am
Who I’m not, and who I want to be
No way to know
How long she will be next to me

Lost and insecure
You found me, you found me
Lying on the floor
Surrounded, surrounded
Why’d you have to wait?
Where were you, where were you?
Just a little late
You found me, You found me

Early morning
The city breaks
I’ve been calling
For years and years and years and years
And you never left me no messages
You never sent me no letters
You got some kind of nerve
Taking all I want

Lost and insecure
You found me, you found me
Lying on the floor
Where were you, where were you?

Lost and insecure
You found me, you found me
Lying on the floor
Surrounded, surrounded
Why’d you have to wait?
Where were you, where were you?
Just a little late
You found me, You found me

Why’d you have to wait
To find me, to find me?

------------

I've been listening to this song quite a lot the past couple of days.


I'm ready for a new year. Ready to put this year behind me.
It was a year full of a lot of hurt. I did a lot of things that I didn't want to do.
Don't get me wrong, there were good times.. but the hurt has made those good times fade.

I'm going to head into the new year with open eyes and an open mind. Take things as they come.



as for the reason I made my blog private..
i found out that my mother had it bookmarked, and both my sisters have been reading my blog. and for some reason, that totally creeps me out. so it's open to invited readers only now.
:p

Sam: It's like in the great stories, Mr. Frodo. The ones that really mattered. Full of darkness and danger, they were. And sometimes you didn't want to know the end. Because how could the end be happy? How could the world go back to the way it was when so much bad had happened? But in the end, it's only a passing thing, this shadow. Even darkness must pass. A new day will come. And when the sun shines it will shine out the clearer. Those were the stories that stayed with you. That meant something, even if you were too small to understand why. But I think, Mr. Frodo, I do understand. I know now. Folk in those stories had lots of chances of turning back, only they didn't. They kept going. Because they were holding on to something.

Frodo: What are we holding on to Sam?

Sam: That there's some good in this world, Mr. Frodo... and it's worth fighting for.

i want you to know - i don't completely hate my life and who i am.
i just have no reason to rant and write about the good things.

we're already dead.

It is currently 11:46, and I just finished cleaning my room because I can't sleep.

I shouldn't be this upset about a concert. But I am... i was really excited for that concert. it would've been my first that wasn't a festival or at a church.. and it was The Classic Crime and it would have been really awesome.
it frustrates me, being told that I can go and then having my hopes dashed at the last minute.

although, i don't think that it's not being able to go to the concert that's really eating at me... but i'm not sure what it is.

maybe it's just that my head's a mess, yet again. my thoughts are all over the place tonight, and i think i'm slipping back into the rut. i almost slipped up tonight, and i'm still seriously considering it, and i haven't slipped up in almost a month. maybe more than a month.

i've been socializing more lately.. which you would think would be a good thing. but i've been feeling more alone. i don't know why. because you would think that by being with people, i would feel less alone then when i actually am alone. but it's more of the opposite. more like i'm figuring out that i'm never going to fit in.. or something along those lines.

i wish i was a couple years older. maybe then getting out of here would be in sight. but maybe it's a good thing that i'm not.. because i feel like you're supposed to have most things figured out by then. and i don't have anything figured out, not by a longshot.

thanksgiving is in a couple days, but i'm feeling less than thankful tonight. as the rocket summer puts it: "and I guess that I'm blessed, but sometimes it's hard to see it as such."


i think the more that i hold it in and pretend that everything's okay, the more twisted up i get.
and it hurts.
i just want to see a light at the end of this tunnel.
i'm tired of falling back into this rut time and time again, but i have no clue how to stop it.

i should go to bed.

the one to hurt you - the becoming

Let’s step out into the night
Darling don’t you dare think twice
I know all about how hard it is to trust someone

In the place where love is found
I can only let you down

I don’t want to be the one to hurt you
Why do I do what I do?
Pushing you away again

Father as I hold your hand
Still holding onto all I have
I hope death will take me over before life lets go

In the place where love is found
I can only let you down
And in the seas of love I drown
But in the depths your face I found

-----------

i should write.
it would do me good.

but i don't have the words.

Tonight the Stars Speak - The Glorious Unseen

Tonight the stars speak of your infinite love
And it serves to remind me
That what I have means nothing at all
Compared to your glory, Oh lord

How long till your voice speaks clearly?
How long till your arms envelop me?
I cry be my strength when I am weak
Oh Lord have mercy on me please

My spirit is willing but my flesh is so weak
I cry in your arms now
God grant me the strength to rest in you
I lift my hands and cry

------------------

I love his lyrics.
It's so much more than the majority of worship music.. which tends to be sugary and fluffy.
I like true honesty in worship - because that's what worship is. being honest with God.
it's terribly important.



i went out to coffee with the youth pastor of the youth group i've been going to the past couple weeks this afternoon.. had a good conversation. i actually talked about some things out loud with someone face to face. it was a huge step for me.. no joke. i haven't had an honest conversation like that in rl in a long time. and we didn't even dig too deep.. and i still held back quite a bit (which i somewhat regret).. but.. it was good. he's a cool guy. even though i'm not to big on the youth group.. but i'm going because i know i need to. because i don't really get anything out of my church. i mean, i love it a lot and the people are awesome.. but i don't connect there. and i haven't connected at this youth group either yet.. and i don't know if i will. but i know i have to try being with people around my age because i'm terribly miserable being by myself all the time.

"the sky was blue yesterday but today it turned the darkest shade of grey" - a rotterdam november

pretty much.
but i really don't want to turn this blog into one about politics.
i'm tired of politics.
so i'm not going to talk about politics.



i turned sixteen yesterday.
weird.
i'm old.
but.. i'm not.
i'm really young.

i'm just plumb full of contradictions.
hah.

Sorry - Fate of Angels

This is for
Feelings met at sundown
Feelings that can wash away your.. fear
And I admit, I haven't let them in at all
Waiting for the moment to just.. clear

This time I think I'm going to get this right
There's no reasons, no reasons to fight

I'm so sorry
Plead for angels
To rescue me from myself again
And I've been angry
Please forgive me
For giving up on myself again

This is for
Every single broken heart
The ones that beg us just to let them.. be
And I admit, I have surely done my part
I am not the guy I dreamed to be

This time I think we're going to get this right
There's no reasons, no reasons to fight

I'm waiting.

I'm so sorry
Plead for angels
To rescue me from myself again
And I've been angry
Please forgive me
For giving up on myself again

Take every little reason
That keeps me from believing
There is something more
I'm laying down on the floor
This apology is straining
For something that's worth saving
Everything means nothing but these words I pray

I'm so sorry
Plead for angels
To rescue me from myself again
And I've been angry
Please forgive me
For giving up on myself again

God, I'm tired of falling away
Nothing now can ever be the same
You can make this right

God, I'm waiting for You to move
I don't have anything left to use
You can make this right.


-------------

I love the small bands.
The unsigned, mostly unheard of ones.
The ones that still have passion for what they do, and passion for those they meet.


The music business is made of epic fail.
I used to want to have something to do with it.. but no more. At least, not the big, commercialized one.
I do still want to have something to do with the small concerts, and the small bands, and the passion. I don't want any part of the greed and lies and stupidity.
I want to help make those small, passionate bands popular without a stupid, thieving label. I want to make the small, cheap concerts popular.
Because they're the best.


this band, that I posted the lyrics from.. omu. they're amazing. incredibly nice guys (even though I really only talked to one of them..), incredibly amazing music.
i'm pretty sure this song of theirs is my favorite.. but their song "Suffering" (which is dedicated to all the girls who are slaves in the sex-trafficking industry) is a close second.

yeah.

i envy those who can come up with incredibly profound things to say.
those who always have something wise to talk about.

like stephen christian. and jon foreman. and many others..

i just envy good writers. those who can write paragraph upon paragraph and make it all sound beautiful..

it seems the harder i try to be wise, the harder i try to make sense of everything.. the harder it is to become that, the more confusing everything becomes.
the more i learn the more i realize how little i know.


currently listening: little house - the fray

"everybody dies but not everybody lives"

who i am hates who i've been

'cause I don't want you to know where I am / 'cause then you'll see my heart / in the saddest state it's ever been.

i love those times when you're listening to a song... and you just stop and listen. and you realize that those lyrics describe exactly what you're going through at that time in life.

I talk to absolutely no one / couldn't keep to myself enough / and the things bottled inside have finally begun / to create so much pressure that I'll soon blow up

i've been handling life fairly well lately. like for the past two? weeks. which isn't normal for me. normally i can barely go a couple days without getting depressed again.. but things are different. and i don't know why that is. because i'm still a mess inside. but i'm taking care of it much better than i have been.

And I was positive that unless I got myself together, I would watch me fall apart.

"all my balloons are popping."

I haven't blogged in awhile.
Mostly because I tend to blog when I'm on the extreme ends of emotions.
But I've been pretty much normal as of late.
and I'm handling life fairly well. which is good.

the end.

sing me something i've never heard before

I heart My Favorite Highway.

The cold weather has come and it makes me really excited. I LOVE hoodie weather and fall and the changing of the colors and the overcast skies and just all of it. This season signifies the start of change. It signifies that things get dark and cold before they are reborn, but in the end they *are* reborn. and that the warmth and sunshine will come again. I love that.

My life's been uneventful as of late, like always.
Although, I did go to two concerts last week. Which was cool.
I have so much time on my hands I don't know what to do with it all. which is lame.
I need a life. hah.

I haven't done a vlog in over a month. oops.
ah, well, I guess it's better. I haven't bored anybody. haha.

Ooh. I'm getting my wisdom teeh + two extra teeth pulled on November 11th. I'm not looking forwards to it at all. ew. ew. ew.

which means I'm not going to be getting a job until the end of November instead of the beginning. because I was originally supposed to get them out endish of October, but they didn't have any spots open. lamesauce.

OOH!
So I'm seriously considering being a scene kid for Halloween. haha.
But I haven't fully decided yet. But I don't know what I'll be if I'm not that.
hmm.. thoughts?

decode - paramore

How can I decide what's right
When you're clouding up my mind?
I can't win your losing fight
All the time.

How can I ever own what's mine
When you're always taking sides?
But you won't take away my pride.
No, not this time.
Not this time.

How did we get here?
I used to know you so well.
How did we get here?
Well, I think I know.

The truth is hiding in your eyes
And it's hanging on your tongue.
Just boiling in my blood.
But you think that I can't see
What kind of man that you are,
If you're a man at all.
Well, I will figure this one out
On my own.
(I'm screaming, "I love you so.")
On my own.
(My thoughts you can't decode.)

How did we get here?
I used to know you so well, yeah.
How did we get here?
Well, I think I know.

Do you see what we've done?
We've gone and made such fools
Of ourselves.
Do you see what we've done?
We've gone and made such fools
Of ourselves.

How did we get here?
I used to know you so well, yeah, yeah.
How did we get here?
Well, I used to know you so well.
I think I know.
I think I know.

There is something I see in you.
It might kill me.
I want it to be true

---------------

I love, love, love this song. It's a new one.. going to be on the Twilight soundtrack (which comes out on my birthday, whoo!).

I hit my head on a tree yesterday.
yep.
I was on a walk with my dogs, and I ducked under a branch, and there was a little (extremely hard) part of it sticking down. And I cut my head open. It bled for awhile, but it's nothing serious. although, the cut is like, 3/4 of an inch long and it's really gross looking. hah.

Went and saw "Swing Vote" last night with my brother and his wife and the baby that's due on Sunday. =D
It was funny. Not amazing though.

uhm.
I think that's it. hah.

"I'm not strong enough....what do you do if you aren't strong enough?"
"you act as if you are"

i was watching the show 'The Unit' and those were the last words of the most recent episode. hm.

i've been listening to paper rings as of late.
check them out. (they're kind of acoustic-y and such, but really good)
http://myspace.com/paperrings

if I only had the heart

this week was good. I was actually mostly happy for no reason. and i liked that.
but it seems that most everybody i talked to had a crappy week. and i hate that.
i've said it before, and i'll say it again.. it seriously seems like everytime i'm really happy everybody else is really crappy. i hate it. what is it about me? seriously.
*sigh*

so i've tried sorta getting more into real life and less into internet life.. because i've been told that it makes you less lonely. but it really doesn't. i feel the same either way. which is lame.

i need a job. blah.

"and if i weren't so young, stupid, and restless..."

i took these today and i'm quite proud of them.


and i really don't have much else to say.
sorry.

this place - sons of day

i quit my job.. 'cause it sucks. last day is the 30th. haven't found a new job yet.. i'm pretty sure that i'm just going to wait until i turn sixteen to find one. but i'm not completely sure about that.. because i'm already going insane because i only have one shift this week.. and i have nothing to do. fer reals. because school doesn't take me that long, and i can only play guitar for so long.. and the internet get's boring. i think i need a new hobby.

went to another everfound concert last night (they played with two other bands - Sons of Day and Paper Rings. both were awesome). it was the fourth time i've seen them. since i found out about them and saw them in january. hah. those boys always put on a good show. i luff them... a lot. they have such passion and i love that. people like them make me want to actually try.

and i'm trying again with the whole god thing. searching for more answers to my questions. asking better questions and such. we'll see where it goes. hah. i just realized that i haven't really mentioned my god troubles on this blog. ah, well, i'll leave it to your imagination. =]

eh. i think that's really it.
my life hasn't really been exciting as of late. it never really is.
i've been kinda lost. but i'm searching. taking things day by day and such.
mmhmm.







oh, and augusten burroughs is a sick, twisted man and i would not recommend his books. i still like those quotes though.

augusten burroughs

so i went to starbucks today, and you know how they have those little things "the way i see it" or whatever? well the one on my cup was from augusten burroughs, the author of 'running with scissors'. i've never read the book.. but anyway, the way i see it thing inspired me to look up some quotes by him.. and i think i'm going to get his books from the library.

“Why am I so anxious? And then it hits me. I'm not anxious, I'm lonely. And I'm lonely in some horribly deep way and for a flash of an instant, I can see just how lonely, and how deep this feeling runs. And it scares the shit out of me to be so lonely because it seems catastrophic - seeing the car just as it hits you.”
-Dry

“It's a wonder I'm even alive. Sometimes I think that. I think that I can't believe I haven't killed myself. But there's something in me that just keeps going on. I think it has something to do with tomorrow, that there is always one, and that everything can change when it comes.”
-Running With Scissors


hm.

to write love on her arms inspires me. so very much.

twloha.
happy music. (cougheleventysevencough)
friends who encourage me to be unbreakable.

my greates inspirations.
the things that make me want to stop being so shitty.

thank you. <3

calender marks - my favorite highway

I've fallen victim to my greatest fear
The calendar marks that I lost a whole year
Three-sixty-five, barely alive
Grace took her good natured time to arrive
Oh my God, this year has dealt me a horrible hand
I'll try and explain, but you won't understand
Well wait, what's today's date?
There's plenty of time left to procrastinate, or plan my escape

Let me go
Let me go

The Autumn leaves join in a bittersweet chorus
A hymn so inspired as if to inform us they're leaving soon
She sends a kiss that we just barely miss
Before Winter sets in and exposes our sins

Let me go
Let me go

I want to be where nobody knows me
I'll be behind the perfect disguise
I'll drive away, I'll dissapear
I want to be anywhere, but here

Spring-time, ever changing
My life's re-arranging
So it seems I'm going down now
Tears fall on the ash, my heart's fading fast

Let me go
Let me go

While I wait for the New Year
To introduce new fears
While I'm wishing that I could be
Anywhere, but here

-----------------

At the beginning of the year, my motto was "I've decided that this year will be a good year". I find it kinda funny that I chose that for this year, because so far this year has been one of the worst. Don't get me wrong, I've had a lot of good times.. but a lot of things have happened that I wish hadn't. I dunno, maybe it's because I said that. hah. I doubt it, but you never know..

I envy those who always have good things to say. Those who can write paragraphs upon paragraphs and sound smart. I envy those who can be completely honest, and open up to others. I envy those who know what they want to do with their life.

There's so much that I want to be.. but I have no idea how to reach that goal.

It's raining today. Complete cloud cover, cold, dripping..
I love the rain. It's like.. a cleansing of the earth, making everything new. I like that.

it makes me feel like there's a chance. a chance of something new for me.
for everyone.

"it's a bittersweet life... and it's leaving me a-okay.."

my heart's a hole that needs to constantly be filled with love

so. my lame rambles will continue. hah.
i got stung by a bee today. first time i've ever been stung. and my arm hurts really bad. i can handle sharp pain. but this dull throbbing and burning is really getting to me. benadryl isn't helping. and my arm is really swollen around the sting. it's pretty gross looking. hah.
my parents might be making me get rid of my cat. which is lame. 'cause i love that cat even though she's a brat.
my job sucks. a lot. i'm prolly gonna apply at king soopers. even though that will suck too, at least i'll get paid more and actually get some hours in.. *sigh*

"we'll speak of what a waste i am..."

on the bright side, i didn't have to go to church tonight.
and i kinda feel bad for saying that. but i am really glad we didn't go. church pretty much depresses me. i'm not sure why either.
wait. i take that back. i am sure why. but.. eh.

and i got a couple cd's too.
"spring and summer" by jon foreman and a cd by the glorius unseen.

i should put something serious and thought-provoking in this.
there's been a lack of that as of late.
but i haven't really been thinking deeply as of late.
it hurts too much.


----------------------

He gets he information from overhearing conversations.
Doesn't ask questions, doesn't learn any lessons.
And he keeps his mouth shut,
till he bowls over, and he blows up
And then he can't form his words right,
they don't fit together so tight

And I hope to God that he will find his name
and not listen to his "so-called" friends when they say:

This is the way, that you are
Don't let them say
This is the way, that you are

She doesn't have much to say about yesterday
Or what happened to her, when she was eight
So she drinks a lot, and it her makes feel okay
For the moment, but it's gone when she awakes

But I hope you know that somewhere out there loves you
So don't give yourself away,
And don't listen to them when they say:

This is the way, that you are
Don't let them say
This is the way, that you are


- the classic crime, the way that you are

if i come without a thing
then i come with all i need

---

mewithoutYou - in a sweater poorly knit

------

i'm not a big fan of mewithoutYou's vocalist, but i really like their lyrics.

i know that i shouldn't let it get to me..
but it does, who am i kidding..

---

ftsk - catastrope

coming down is calming down - underOATH

Facing forwards, sinking in thin air
Help me to learn, to breath again(2x)
I know I've lost my way
So show me

There are demons inside my head
I always let them win
I always let them win
I have to learn to suffocate them

The lost ask for a hand
But I can't stop, I never stop

I've been losing my footing here
I'm all mixed up in this
I need some kind of change
God make it stop, I can't make it stop
This place is getting smaller

Everything in your darkest thoughts about me might be true
I hear the words you say, I still feel nothing
I put my voice out there for you to hear
But the words never made much sense to you

I've lost my path
I'm fading fast(2x)

Time is short
Time is up

I've been losing my footing here
I'm all mixed up in this
I need some kind of change
God make it stop, I can't make it stop
This place is getting smaller

This is really my plan
To get out in one piece
Is this really your plan
To keep me lost and on my knees

I say redemption(2x)
Can someone help me hold on(2x)

so.
i'm not losing my job.
but i'm going to get one, maybe two shifts a week. and they're only going to be like, an hour and a half in the afternoon.
and it blows.

>_<

I Know the Feeling - The Classic Crime

I know it cuts you inside every time that you try
To take a pathway in life that leaves you so unobliged
Every promise is lies, every smile makes you cry
Leaves you so unalive, so unalive
I wish I could take the fall
Maybe by that I could solve
The problems we're all having
It's been a while since you've felt like you've been home
Your life's just flesh and bone

Your heart is worth more than you know
The one thing that hurts more than your life
Is to wake up one more time alone
It's to wake up one more time alive

So take us in, we'll stop you dead
We'll show you something you won't ever forget
This life's a road, no place is home
My heart's a hole
That needs to constantly be filled with love

This time it's all that I've got
Words hit the page like gunshots
My stomach's left in a knot
My pride is left here to rot
It's been a while since I've felt this restless
By definition it's depressing but I'm alright
It kills to wake up one more time alone
It kills to wake up one more time alive

So take us in, we'll stop you dead
We'll show you something you won't ever forget
This life's a road, no place is home
My heart's a hole
That needs to constantly be filled with love

I know the feeling of being all alone
So let's drink to fact that we're not
I know the feeling of being all alone
So let's drink to fact that we're not

So take us in, we'll stop you dead
We'll show you something you won't ever forget
This life's a road, no place is home
My heart's a hole
That needs to constantly be filled with love

----------------

so.
i might lose my job due to no fault of my own.
pretty much sucks. a lot.
even though i hate it.. i still need a job. and i haven't been able to find a new one, 'cause i've been looking for the past couple months, even before i knew anything about the changes going on at work.

but yeah.
it sucks.
a lot.

golden - switchfoot

(Like freedom in spring)

She's alone tonight with a bitter cup and
She's undone tonight, she's all used up,
She's been staring down the demons
Who've been screaming
She's just another so and so,
Another so and so

You are golden,
You are golden, Child
You are golden,
(Don't let go)
(Don't let go tonight)

There's a fear that burns like trash inside
And your shame of the curse that burns your eyes
You've been hiding in your bedroom,
Hoping this isn't how the story has to go
It's not the way it goes,
It's your book now,

You are golden,
You are golden, Child
You are golden,
(Don't let go)
(Don't let go tonight)

You're a lonely soul in a land of broken hearts
You're far from home, it's a perfect place to start

(Yeah!)
(Burn)
(Burn, Burn!)

So this final verse is a contradiction
And the more we learn the less we know

We've been talkin' about a feeling,
We both know inside but couldn't find the words
I couldn't write this verse,
I've seldom been so sure,
About anything before

Golden,
You are Golden, Child

You are Golden,
(Don't let go)
(Don't let go tonight)

This world is a dead man down (Golden, you are)
Every breath is a fading crown we wear (Golden, Child, you are)
Like some debilitated king (Golden, don't let go)
Don't let go tonight

The Earth spins and the moon goes round (Golden, you are)
The green comes from the frozen ground (Golden, Child, you are)
And everything will be made new again (Golden)
(Like freedom in spring) (Golden, Golden)

Hey, like freedom in spring, (Golden, you are, hey)
Like freedom in spring (Golden, Child, you are)
(Gold...)

my guitar teacher asked me today what I thought I was really good at.
I didn't have an answer.
because I honestly have no idea what I'm really good at. I don't think I'm good at much of anything.

and he told me that I'm overly-critical of myself.
is that true?
I'm kinda believing that it is.
but I kinda can't really help it.

I'm like a load of epic fail.
hah.

anyway.
so far I've learned "Dare You to Move" by Switchfoot and "Be My Escape" by Relient K. and now I'm learning "Misery Business" by Paramore.
w00t.
I was going to learn some other Paramore songs, but Josh said that they were too easy for me. =p

oh, and check out Random Hero, my guitar teacher's band..
http://myspace.com/bandrandomhero

i'm beginning to think that either i'm an excellent liar, or people really just don't care whether or not i'm really okay.

but whatever.
screw it all.

i was told to have a good day today - so that's what it is. a good day.

=p

salt in the snow - the classic crime

Give me wings, Give me peace.
These are the things that I need.
I'm tormented, broken and shamed
Are You listening? Are You listening?

Give me shelter from the storm,
I know it's a lot to ask for considering how recent
I've piled the dirt on Your name.
Are You listening? Are You listening?
Are You listening?

I have heard that winter's cold
Will give way to summer's warmth
Oh no, like salt in the snow
I'm melted and left all alone
On the side of the road.

In this where I am for Your sake"
Stuck between sleep and awake?
My mind is dreaming of things
Are You listening? Are You listening?

I took You for granted again
And drew You aside and pretended
For one minute that I had control of my life
And the direction it seemed to be in
I was wrong again, I was wrong again
Are You listening?

I have heard that winter's cold
Will give way to summer's warmth
Oh no, like salt in the snow
I'm melted and left all alone
On the side of the road.

I will wait for You to come again,
And I can't pretend like I'm confident
And I can't pretend like it makes much sense
When it doesn't.

I have heard that winter's cold,
Will give way to summer's warmth.
Oh no, like salt in the snow,
I'm melted and left all alone
On the side of the road.

On the side of the road.
On the side of the road.
On the side of the road.

----------------------------
[rant]
i was talking with my sister and a guy from church at church tonight, and we were talking about facebook status' and such, and he was laughing at how much my sister updates her status, and so I told him not to be friends with me on facebook - cause i update my status a lot more than she does. and he was like "so, let's see, your mood changes from angry to sad to grumpy to melancholy, right?".
it really pissed me off. like, really.
yes, i am moody sometimes. but i'm allowed to be - i am a teenage girl. and it pissed me off that he pretended to know me so well. ugh.
i mean, i can somewhat understand.. because oftentimes church is what makes me feel the most emoish (not sure why..), so i act emoish. but seriously, just because you don't see my happy side often at church doesn't mean i don't have a happy side. it doesn't mean i'm *always* moody and sad and grumpy.
i hate it when people pretend to know me, but know they don't, and don't even TRY to get to know me. it really pisses me off. i mean, at least make an effort to get to know me before judging me.
[/rant]


i have been somewhat melancholyish recently though.
i've felt somewhat lost.
i'm not sure what direction i'm going - or should be going for that matter.

work continues to get suckier.
well, not completely. but it's old. very old. i'm not a big fan of working in fastfood.. but there's really no other jobs i can get right now. all the ones i've found you have to be eighteen or over - and i'm nowhere near turing eight.
and the church continues to get smaller (i think we're down to about 60 people total, including kids). which really sucks. because when we first started going here, it was supposed to get bigger. the youth group was supposed to get bigger, not smaller. there was supposed to be life. (there were supposed to be cute teenage boys! xD). but it's not. we keep getting smaller and smaller and i begin to hate it more and more. i don't even want to play guitar for worship team anymore.. i haven't for awhile. ever since they made the cool worship team leader leave.. which, turns out everybody else had problems with him. but i thought he was awesome. stupid people. but.. yeah. they sound better without me anyway. =p

and school is icky. it's not hard or anything.. i just dislike doing it. a lot. i just want to be done completely already. gah. only two more years....


wow. i sound like a whiny brat.
i am a whiny brat.
someone, please slap me. hard.
maybe enough to kill me. that'd be good.

i wanna run away, i wanna ditch my life...

'cause all my mistakes keep me awake at night...

i heart rk.

currently learning 'be my escape' on guitar. and it's not too hard..

*sigh*

i'm feeling quite lame tonight.
i want so badly to get away from here.
i feel like i'm so ready to get out of here.. even though i'm most likely not, considering i'm only 15.
but my life just isn't what i want it to be now. i'm not who i want to be.. and i feel like the environment that i'm in is supressing who i want to be.
which i could be completely wrong about. but i dunno.

i can't wait to get away from here.
only two years, two months, and 14 days until i turn eighteen.
it couldn't come sooner.

so there were a couple of scene girls on the bus today, and they were talking about how mad they were at this one guy because he called them scene, and how he shouldn't have called them scene because they aren't scene.
even though they're obviously scene.

it was hilarious. xD


and i'm going to go eat some chocolate chip banana bread. because my mom made some.. and it smells delicious.

Wait a Minute - The Switch Kids

Wait a minute, I'm not ready

They say 8am, I'll be late again
Just ask my friends (don't ask my friends)
It's the current frame of mind
I find myself in all of the time

It waits for no one and no one waits for me

Wait a minute, I'm not ready
I'm better late than never
I guess that makes me better all the time.

It seems to me everyone's so happy being depressedI can see it in the way they wear their hair and how they dress
Call me old fashioned, but I was never fashionable
I was never cool, life is cruel
I fall behind and not in line with the changing time

All the time I am late, I am late all the time

------------------

Good song.
I luff the Switch Kids.

Saw them last night with Eleventyseven. It was radsome.
Got to the venue at about 4:30, gave the eleventyboys their unicorns/candy/giftcard and introduced myself to the Switch Kids.
Hung out for a bit, and watched their soundcheck. Hung out somemore, and ate and such.. talked to Cecilia on Caleb's phone. Hah. Went outside and watched the boys ride some strange type of skateboard. haha. We were outside while the first band was on - a local worship band from the church that was the venue. Then we went inside, chatted a bit and watched Stephanie Smith a bit (she was good, but I'm not a big fan of female popstars). Then the Switch Kids were up. OMU! I love them a lot a lot a lot. They're so much fun and way cool and awesome and yeah. my dance shoes were on fershur. Then the Eleventyboys were up, and that was definitly a fun show. Their shows always are. They're crazy insane and I love them. Major dance party there. Me and my sister and my "sister" were moshing. to Eleventyseven. It was great. haha. We got some funny looks. it was fun. 'cept I didn't get too many good pictures because a bunch of insane fangirls went up on the stage at the very beginning of the concert and stayed up there. so, yeah. but it was a lot of fun.
Then we hung around, and waited for all the fans to leave and such.. talked, took pictures and videos and such. Then we helped the boys take down the set and load up the trailer.

It was extremely fun night.
I seriously miss those boys already.
It's hard - not knowing when I'm going to see them next.
I really do love them a lot a lot a lot. And it's nothing awkward or anything ('cause, just for one, they're way to old for me). They're just really cool guys.

It's a hard life.. for them, and any other band. Like Rob (The Switch Kids) says.. it's kinda like a circus. Load out, perform, pack up, and on to the next show. But I'm glad they do it... 'cause they're an amazing band. Like, fersher.

=]
I was also going to post some seriousness in this blog.. but I think I'm gonna scratch that.
my brain is currently not working.

old poetry

Just another pain-filled sorrow.

There's a pain inside
Gasping and grabbing at her chest
Trying to find hope
Dangling on a string so high above

To the world she looks so happy
Looking so free
But deep inside she's hurting,
Feeling pain the world can't see.
Behind her lays a crumbling world;
A past that she wants to be long gone
Loved ones leave and the day grows long
And as much as she tries,
She just can't move on.

She feels like she's falling
Blending into the abyss..
Pain is a drowning tidal wave
Where swimming has not been taught
It sounds so cliche
But her tears fall like afternoon rain

Broken hearts and fainting pain
Come from more than boys and breaking up

She should know - her heart has been shattered into a million pieces a million times.
Her hope has been dashed against the rocks - again and again.
She has been left alone - time and time again.

She says those harsh words don't hurt.
She repeats that silly saying
"Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me"

She's a good liar.

----------

lost

No one knows me anymore
I'm not even sure if I know myself.

I built up dark, towering walls
Not to keep all of these dear people out
But to see who cared enough to tear them down.

No one cared.

Now I'm lost and wandering in these walls.
Life is like a dreary fog; so full of gray.

The vividness of my mistakes dances on the barriers
Covering the greatness, destroying the good.

Running through knee-deep sand
Dark forests closing in
Shattered pieces on the ground.
Left alone with no one to care

Where do I go from here?

-------------


whoo, i'm a crappy writer. hah.

relationships that work are things that I can't comprehend

"An optimist is a person who sees only the lights in the picture, whereas a pessimist sees only the shadows. An idealist, however, is one who sees the light and the shadows but, in addition, sees something else; the possibility of changing the picture, of making the lights prevail over the shadows." —Felix Adler

I took a personality test based on the Meyers-Brigg.. well, actually, i took several of them. And they all ended up with the same result. I'm an INFP - the Dreamer.
it's really quite interesting, because I'm reading through some things about INFP's, and I'm like "whoah, this is totally me" for at least most of it.

"INFPs are introspective, private, creative and highly idealistic individuals that have a constant desire to be on a meaningful path. They are driven by their values and seek peace. Empathetic and compassionate, they want to help others and humanity as a whole. INFPs are imaginitive, artistic and often have a talent for language and writing. They can also be described as easygoing, selfless, guarded, adaptable, patient and loyal."


"creative, smart, idealist, loner, attracted to sad things, disorganized, avoidant, can be overwhelmed by unpleasant feelings..."

“INFPs. They wonder, some of them for the rest of their lives, whether they are okay. They are quite okay, just different from the rest of their family—swans reared in a family of ducks. Even so, to realize and really believe this isn’t easy for them.” - David Keirsey

http://infp.blogsome.com/

i overreact too much.

it bothers me.
and i can't say what bothers me because it's not public information.. even though nobody from my church reads this (thank god for that too!).

ugh. stupid people.

Simple Life - My Favorite Highway

Somewhere inside me
Something is hiding
Something I never knew
If I'm open and honest
Keeping my promise
Someday I'll see this through

I can't hear anything
Listening, I'm listening
I need the space to move
Breaking through to something new
I need the chance to feel something real, something real
Everything I know is spinning out of control

So, so, so tell me where do we go
There is a burning that's inside of my soul, and it shows
We all want something more than just a simple life
Hey, hey, so give me something to say
I had the words but then I through 'em away, and you know
We all want something more than just a simple life

If I walk in a straight line
Wait for the right time
How can I know for sure
They'll tell you how to get by
Just put your life on standby
And in the end you hope that you were right

So believe what you want
No, you're not who you thought
The more you fake the harder you fall

So, so, so tell me where do we go
There is a burning inside of my soul, and it shows
We all want something more than just a simple life
Hey, hey, so give me something to say
I wanted nothing and I gave it all, gave it all away
We all want something more than just a simple life

----------------

the edge - shel

You stood on the edge and danced all around
But in your triumph, you fell off somehow.

Did you ever get put back together
Cause you are a puzzle, you change with the weather.

And I watch you look out the window
As bitter and cold as the snow that covers your sidewalk
You cover your feelings and where do you go to hide your heart.

The more that I see of your world, the farther away from you I drift
And sooner or later we'll find that you and I don't exist

This pain has lasted too long.
You're searching for love where you don't belong.

Are you really so blind to the sorrow
That dwells in your yesterday and your tomorrow

You stood on the edge and danced all around
But in your triumph, you fell off somehow.

------------------------

shel is a local band.. saw them at heavenfest. they're pretty amazing.
heavenfest was cool. it was interesting, comparing it to warped tour.. seeing how different the two were/are. handed out about 85 twloha flyers/postcards. watched shel, everfound, fight the good fight (it was their last show. =[), rough draft, part of kj-52's set, skillet, and haste the day. got a couple decent photos. (see them at my flickr: http://flickr.com/photos/iamunbreakable) met an internet friend from the d2s boards.
overall it was a good day. i'm still kinda bummed that i missed paramore at the big gig though.

one thing that really bothers me about this whole music/band thing is that at the end of the day, i'm still a fan. it doesn't matter how many times i've seen the band.. i mean, even with eleventyseven.. at the end of the show, i'm still a fan. i want so badly to get to know these musicians, to see their hearts and the inspiration behind their music.. but it's never going to happen. i'm always going to be just another face in the crowd. and that bothers me. it shouldn't, but it does.. *sigh*

to be honest, i've been struggling a lot lately. with friends, my parents, myself, god, life..
it's like there's no point. when i put myself out there and put on that positive face and try to be happy and yadayadayada, it's the same outcome as when i'm my normal self. people don't act any differently around me... i'm still on the outside circle. i've been told many times to put myself out there and try to get to know people, but whenever i've done that, i've gotten hurt. and so i sit and wait like a dumbass for somebody to reach out to me. but it never happens. and i think that's why i struggle so much. twloha encourages the whole community thing quite a lot.. and i think one of the reasons i struggle so much is because i don't have that community thing. i don't have those people i can talk to when i'm having a bad day, or the ones i can go to when something really good has happened. it seems like everybody is too absorbed in themselves to care what i'm feeling. i've said these things so many times. and yet i'm saying them again... because nothing has changed.
blah. blah. blah. blah.

i'm whining again. i hate it when i do that.


i have such a strong yearning to get away from this place..
i want to find a place that i can call 'home'.

"... i don't want to be percieved the way i am, i just want to be percieved the way i am..."

purpose for the pain

pick up the phone

I've realized recently..

.. that I walk a very fine line of thinking I'm totally awesome, and of thinking that I suck at everything.

.. that trusting God with everything makes me feel so much better.

.. that having joy during the tough times is okay.

.. that when the really tough times come along, so do the really good times.

.. that I can have good friends without getting into the really tough inner stuff.

.. that music is truly my escape, and hardcore music is very soothing. xD

.. that I'm tired of living the way I am. this whole purposeful, my fault roller coaster ride isn't the way I want to be.

.. that Nevertheless' song "Sleeping In" is awesome.

deep blue, deep blue..

.. have you ever been alone in a crowded room?

good song. (Deep Blue by Jack's Mannequin)

i've been writing a lot more as of late - both here and in my private journal. it's weird. i mean, it's not like i'm a great writer or anything like that (in fact, i somewhat suck at it).. but i've been finding a real peace in it. and it's not poems or songs or anything like that. just plain old writing. pouring out my heart. it's weird.

i think it may be a bit to balance out the hurt. it may be my way to release my pain.. even though i still sometimes turn to more destructive ways. because there's been a lot of hurt. there always is a lot of hurt. but that's life. there's ups and downs. and turnings arounds. hah.

"you never fake the red across your wrist, there’s never been a mascara that could fix the saddest eyes a boy has ever seen, when you want so desperately to bleed.." - Ever Stays Red

the days are going by, and i'm getting older. and it scares me. i mean, i'm turning sixteen in four months. i'll be a graduate in two years. one on hand, i'm desperatly looking forward to it. there's so much i want to do with this life that i've been given. but on the other hand.. i'm scared to death. what if i mess it all up? what if it's not as exciting as i want to be? i guess the only thing to really do is trust that God has it all planned out already.
i really shouldn't worry so much. i mean.. with this great big God watching over me and everything. i think He laughs at me a lot.




"not done yet" - superchic[k]

It's been one of those days for a lot of days now
I need a day when the world can take care of itself
This isn't what I wanted how I thought my life would turn out
And I wonder if it's like this from here on out
Sometimes life gets you, but we go on
Sometimes life gets you, we're still going on

We're not done yet
Not going quietly into the night, not me and my friends
We're not done yet, don't take us too seriously
It's just life we'll win in the end
And we walk on and on and on and we walk on and on

It's been one of those days for too many days now
I did a thing that I didn't want to do again
I fell down in the place where I always fall down and I wanna give up
And let it be what it's been
Sometimes life gets you, but we go one
Sometimes life gets you we're still going on...

We're not done yet
Not going quietly into the night, not me and my friends
We're not done yet, don't take us too seriously
It's just life we'll win in the end
And we walk on and on and on and we walk on and on

It's been one of those days but I don't care now
It was only a day and tomorrow's ahead
We got this far and I know that I can ride this one out
Though I want to lie down, yet I won't wait yet
Sometimes life gets you, but we go one
Sometimes life gets you we're still going on...

We're not done yet
Not going quietly into the night, not me and my friends
We're not done yet, don't take us too seriously
It's just life we'll win in the end
And we walk on and on and on and we walk on and on

Well I won't quit yet sometimes life gets you but we go on
Sometimes life gets you, we're still going on

time and wasted bullets..

i can't help but feel inadequate.

why do they even need me on the team? i'm fairly sure they would sound better without my crappy guitar playing.

blah blah blah blah.

=p

i got my top braces on today. oh, the joys.

*sigh*
i'm so pathetic.
i think what i really need is someone to care. right now.
but it isn't going to happen. and by the time someone does care, i'll have worked it out by myself. and the person who does care will be someone from the internet.. and i've really gotten all the comfort i can from someone on the internet (sorry.. no offense).

hallelujah, they're going to kill us too.

had a guitar lesson today. it was pretty boss.
i'm starting to learn scales and such. it's amazing how much there is to learn about, and about playing, what i thought was such a simple instrument. it's going to be a challenge.. but i'm looking forward to it. i haven't had a good challenge in who knows how long.

on another note... i've been reconnecting with some old teammates from the missions trip i went on in '05. it's strange seeing how much everybody has changed. i mean, i know i've changed. quite a lot. a lot. a lot. a lot. it's making me look back at how i was.. and i was quite stuck-up, self-centered, and insanely sheltered. i should hope i'm not anything like i was.

children 18:3 is awesome. more than awesome. i can't stop listening to their cd. they're so unique.. like, just their music. and their lyrics.... oy. they're incredibly unique. nothing like the typical love and life and blah blah blah. i enjoy it. they aren't cliche whatsoever, and i love it. =]

the end.

it's been a couple days.

yeah.

warped tour last sunday was amazing. saw several amazing bands. met them, too. i was going to write more about it.. but it's really not important.
this weekend was pretty cool too. went up to the mountains, to the family cabin. watched the fireworks from out on the lake in the boat. hiked a bit. read the twilight series (which is amazing, btw).
not much to report, really. my life is pretty much the same ole thing every day.

i feel like i should write something of meaning.
but the words won't come.
i feel a bit lost.

on a side note: "boston" by augustana is really easy to play on the piano.

it's gonna sound like i'm on drugs.

but i'm really not. but i always sound like i'm on drugs when i'm in a radsome mood.
and i'm in a radsome mood right now. =D

first of all..
ELEVENTYSEVEN IS GOING TO BE IN COLORADO ON AUGUST 17TH!!
i'm going. somehow, and someway. i will be there. and i'm excited.

and it's raining right now. it's wonderful. it smells amazing. and i was dancing in it a couple minutes ago. i love rain. it's like.. a new start. washing everything away, and giving the earth a new chance. i dunno. hah.

this isn't a serious blog. i'm not even gonna try.
because all to often i get into that serious rut and everything i say is serious and depressing and blah blah blah. i think all to often we forget to sit back and look at life and just enjoy it for what it is and not worry about all the stupid silly things that don't matter anyhow.
i mean, yeah there are a lot of serious things that need to be taken into account.. but all to often we (or at least i) get too caught up in them and forget to take a breather.

on a random note: Superchic[k]'s lates cd, Rock What You Got, is awesome. you should buy it and listen to it.
on another random note: i really like happy music. screamo is depressing.

i love you!
(yes, you who are reading this right now. you're awesome)

i got an electric guitar!

it makes me happy.

it's kinda a crappy, cheapy one (a Fender Starcaster). but i didn't have to pay anything -i traded my crappy, cheapy bass for it. so it's okay.
i have to figure out all the settings and such.. because it sounds like it's not tuned when it is.
yeah. =]

101st post!

lightning is amazing.
i'm currently watching it flash across the sky as i'm watch the rain slide down the window.

it makes me think about how amazingly creative God is. i mean... rain is such a strange thing. it's so incredibly amazing. God is so incredibly amazing. i dunno.. i haven't felt this way about God in such a long time. but right now i'm just in awe of who He is.

it's a pretty amazing feeling.
and i think i'm overusing the word 'amazing'. =p

----------
crawl - superchic[k]

How long will this take?
How much can I go through?
My heart, my soul aches
I don’t know what to do
I bend, but don’t break
Somehow I’ll get through
Cause I have You

And if I had to crawl
Well You’d crawl too
I stumble and I fall
Carry me through
The wonder of it all
Is You see me through

O Lord, where are you?
Do not forget me here
I cry in silence
Can you not see my tears
When all have left me
And hope has disappeared
You’ll find me here

When everything I was is lost
I have forgot, but You have not
When I am lost, You have not lost me
You have not lost me

Behind the Song:
"One critic wrote the following about our album, Beauty from Pain:

“The songwriting seems more vapid, despite the personalized approach, with most songs merely offering a message of ‘we all hurt, but hold on because it’ll get better.’”

I think this critic missed the second half of the message: “Hold on, it will get better. You are not alone, God is with you.” This is not vapid; there is a place below bottom where that is the only message that makes any sense. A friend called me to let me know about his baby birth, but as he asked me to pray, he choked up, unable to get the words out to tell me that his son was born with Down syndrome. I’ve watched mute and helpless while friends have lost family members to cancer. I’ve personally been to the dark place where suicide seems like the only way out. In those times, when our hearts have broken and are overflowing with grief, we don’t need clever theology or smart slogans. All we need is the fundamental core truth of it all...that God has not left us - and though we may have lost hope and lost ourselves and lost everything, He has not lost us.

“How long, O Lord, will you forget me forever? How long will you hide your face from me? How long must I take counsel in my soul and have sorrow in my heart all day?” Psalm 13:1-2" - Max Hsu (Superchick)

----------

i visited my old youth group tonight.
well, it's not technically my old youth group.. because we left that church before i was even in youth group. six months before to be exact.
but i went and saw some of my old friends.. most of the youth group i didn't know.. but it was nice seeing them again.
it's amazing how God can turn incredibly hurtful situations into amazing results. like in leaving that church.. that was incredibly hard for me. when you're in fifth/sixth grade you don't really truly understand it all... all i understood really was that i had to leave my friends, and my safe haven for pretty much all my life. (except for the one year we left to plant castle pines and then left and went to another couple churches and then returned to fb). but now that i look back on it.. it was a good thing. a very good thing. i would *never* have grown in Christ if i had stayed there. i would be goofing of with my friends like they were doing tonight. the youth pastor - brian - did a wonderful lesson. and i felt really bad for him, because most of the youth group wasn't paying any attention at all. he wasn't getting any of the respect he deserves. it makes me really sad... the whole youth group thing. i wish they could take things seriously every once in awhile.
my whole life has revolved around church - not gonna lie. my parents have always been involved in ministry, and i've grown up getting to church early and leaving late. that's what i'm accustumed to. and it's not a bad thing either. but church is where some of my biggest hurts have come from. but it's okay. i'm beginning to see how much God has used these hurts to make me who i am today - a better person. a person i would never have been if i had still been there. i never would have met so many amazing people. i never would have had the deperation that has led me to a true relationship with Christ. i never would have been who i am. i wouldn't be in the wonderful place that i am right now.

point blank, Jesus Christ is amazing and i would not be in this place that i am, much less alive, right now if it were not for Him.
people can go on and on all they want about how He isn't real and blah blah blah.. but i know it isn't true. i know it with all my heart.
He is real. and He is personal.
He is my savior, my king, and my everything.

He is helping me live with passion. He is helping me conquer my galaxy.

the end.

We Believe - Good Charlotte

There's a woman crying out tonight.
Her world has changed.
She asked God why
Her only son has died and now her daughter cries.
She can't sleep at night.

Downtown, another day for all the suits and ties,
Another war to fight; there's no regard for life.
How can they sleep at night?
How can we make things right?
Just want to make things right...

We believe (6x)
In this love.

We are all the same.
Human in all our ways and all our pain.
(So let it be)
There's a love that could fall down like rain
(Let us see)
Let forgiveness wash away the pain
(What we need)
And no one really knows what they are searching for
(We believe)
This world is crying for so much more.

We believe (6x)
In this love.

So this world is too much for you to take,
Just lay it down and follow me.
I'll be everything you need in every way.

We believe (6x)
In this love.

---------------

it is true. Good Charlotte does have some amazing songs. like this one.

i think this song really speaks my heart right now.
i was browsing through the twloha street team forums.. and it made me realize.. my problems aren't unique. everybody goes through hurting. everybody searches for something more at one point in their life. but believing - believing in love. and believing that God is love.. that gives life a purpose. that gives life a meaning. if nothing but loving, and being Jesus to the world. showing people that there is something more than hopelessness.

love is such a powerful thing.

resurrect me - jon foreman

It takes a long time to kill a man
Fifty-five years at least
Until he breaks down
Starts to look underground
And go off and get him some peace

I want to die a lot quicker than that
If it's my only way out
I've been counting up the cost
Getting up on that cross
Wanna know what this is all about

Father time
Steals our days
Like a thief
There's no Price
That I wouldn't pay
To get some relief
I've become
The empy shell
Of a man I like so well
I am a living, breathing hell
Come on and resurrect me

I tried to drown the pain with a friend of mine
It didn't seem to help
Oh, she's got a pretty face with a wedding lace
But I'm still waking up with myself

I know what it means to choke it down
Driving 'til your legs get weak
I know what it's like on a Saturday night
To be alone in a crowded street

Father time
Steals our days
Like a thief
There's no Price
That I haven't paid
To get some relief
I've become
The shell of a man
I can't begin to even understand
Have I forgotten who I am?
Come on and resurrect me
Resurrect me
Resurrect me
Resurrect me
Resurrect me
Resurrect me
Come on and resurrect me

--------------------------------------

passion.
it's something that i want so very much.
lately i've been browsing blogs.. and i've found three that i really enjoy. all three are written by girls who are taking charge of their lives.. who are pursuing Christ and trying to better the world around them. it's girls like those that i want to be like. the ones who know who they are and know what they want to do. the ones who are confident in who they are - who they are in Christ. the ones who have passion - passion for life.
i envy those girls. the ones who seem to have it all figured out - or at least, just the important parts. or they're faking it extremely well. i wish i could at least fake it.
i want passion. i want to know who i am. i want to be confident in who i am and who i am in Christ. i want to be excited about life.
i honestly can't remember when i was really, truly excited for life. oh, sure, i have those moments.. but they all come crashing down the moment things don't go away the way i planned. oh, to have a lasting joy... a joy from Christ. a joy that's not so fickle as i am.
truth is, i'm struggling with God.. terribly much right now. when i actually believe that he's real, i have a hard time believing he cares. when i believe he cares, i have a hard time believing he cares about me.. it seems concieted and superficial that he should care about me. there's so many other people so much more deserving - so much more needing of that love. i dunno. i think i need to actually start trying more. and put to practice on the inside what i put out to the people around me.
it's hard. when it seems like the people around me could care less what i'm feeling. my parents for one.. it just seems like they're only half-listening to me when i talk. that frustrates me. it bothers me how nobody cares to get to know me - the real me. not the face i put on. nobody bothers to go any deeper than that. it's so superficial. my heart is aching for something more than this shallowness. and it's partly my fault.. mostly because i put on this apathetic face and pretend i don't want love. but shouldn't it be obvious? i mean.. everybody wants love. everybody *needs* love.
it's hard to have passion in a world of apathy. seems like everybody's drowning in self-pity. including me. hah. that's why i'm sitting here typing this blog. because i have nothing better to do because i block people out.. even though i really don't. because nobody tries. so i just pretend.
it was weird, the other day, after church i believe.. i was talking with some people, and somehow the topic of horses came up. and i said i love horses - because i do. i LOVE horses. i haven't ridden in forever though.. i need to go. soon. but, anyway. everybody was really suprised. they were all like "i didn't know that about you". and i was like "well, you never cared enough to ask". i actually didn't say that. i wanted to though. but it's kinda weird how little these people i interact with on a regular basis know so little about me. it's weird how much everyone i know knows so little about me.
and i know.. "you have to be interested in other people before they're interested in you".. but i can't help but just for once for somebody to be interested in me first. for someone to love me without expecting anything back. *sigh*

i'm really lame.
i suck at this trying to write interesting blogs thing.
the end.

i suck at life.

*sigh*

----------------------
i love that song. <3


several of my friends are going through tough things right now.. and it just makes me think. it's strange how one day you can feel on the top of the world, and next you feel like you're suffocating. life throws us these curveballs.. and the best thing we can do is work through them. work through the problems.. and look forward to the next time that we can be on top of the world. if it weren't for these tough times.. we would never have those good times. we would never be able to appreciate those good times. and those good times are what make life worth it. although they are often far and in between.. it's so worth it. so very worth it.

i'm learning "meant to live" by switchfoot on guitar.

it's pretty sweet.



i need a hug.

forever - fireflight

Sometimes I feel so cold
Like I'm waiting around all by myself
Loneliness gets so old
I'm in the lost and found sitting on the shelf
Been stuck for way too long
But I hear Your voice
You're who I'm counting on

Oh, tell me You're here
That You will watch over me forever
Oh, take hold of my heart
Show me You'll love me forever

I know that You can tell
When I start to let my hope fade away
I need to catch myself
Open my ears to hear You calling my name
Been fighting way too long
But I hear Your voice
You had me all along

When I'm starting to drown
You jump in to save me
When my world's upside down
Your hands, they shake me and wake me

---------------------------------

I really need to buy Fireflight's cd's. They are an amazing band.

I talked a lot with my cousin today. it was good.. actually being able to rant to someone face-to-face. he can be kinda a jerk, but we share some of the same rants. so it was kinda cool. i honestly can't remember the last time i did that.. ranting out loud, to a real person. hah. it felt really good. even though it was just my cousin and i really didn't share all that much. =p
wrote a lot in my private journal last night.. stayed up till almost midnight doing it. that felt really good. it's really bad when i keep everything bottled up and don't let it out whatsoever.

i'm currently reading "through painted deserts" by donald miller again. it's a wonderful book... his not-so-serious one. it's the perfect example of what i really want to do after highschool.. at least for a month or two or something. i dunno. i love don's writing style.. he's so.. honest.

random: i love postsecret.

























cheesecake.

Me in 2011?

http://telstarlogistics.typepad.com/photos/uncategorized/2008/05/20/ev03_bob_westfalia.jpg

I hope. =D

'mental, ha, keyword!'

"cause i've been feeling so temperamental, and everybody's thinking 'mental, ha! keyword!'"

i pretty much fail at this whole life thing.

=p

on the sunshine side though, my mom did let me start taking lessons from the teacher i want to.. which is weird. because she was really against me taking lessons from him, 'cause he "looked" scary (he has a hxc, edgy type look). but last week she up and decided that i could take lessons from him.
but she is forcing me to take piano lessons again. which blows. =p

i should prolly put something meaningful in this blog. but i'm not going to.

Vlog #3

Alive - Superchic[k]

Don't bury me - I'm not yet dead
Don't bury me - I'm not yet dead

Don't bury me - I'm not yet dead
Not a walking zombie with no head
Not a stepford wife made to obey
Don't want to go through life that way

I'm alive, I'm alive, that's what I said
I'm alive, I'm alive, gonna live that way
I'm alive, I'm alive, that's what I said
I'm alive and I'm gonna live today

Do robots dream of electric sheep?
I need to live my dreams - not just in my sleep
I've been holed up here - but it's time to leave
I need to make my move while there's air to breathe
Don't give me drugs - no novacaine
I must be alive - 'cause I still feel pain

We were born with wings
We were made to fly
We were meant to live while we're still alive

I'm alive, I'm alive, that's what I said
I'm alive, I'm alive, gonna live that way
I'm alive, I'm alive, that's what I said
I'm alive and I'm gonna live today

I'm alive, I'm alive, that's what I said
I'm alive, I'm alive, gonna live that way
I'm alive, I'm alive, that's what I said
I'm alive and I'm gonna live today

I'm alive, I'm alive, that's what I said
I'm alive, I'm alive, gonna live that way
I'm alive, I'm alive, that's what I said
I'm alive and I'm gonna live today

---------------------

Off of the new record coming out at the end of June.
w00t!
I'm really excited. Superchic[k] has always been one of my favorite bands - they were the reason I got into music, and they were at the first concert I went to. And they're amazing. =D
Anyway... if you want, you can download the song at: http://inpop.com/superchicklovesyou

=]

Alive-ness is good.
I've been feeling alive more and more lately.
mostly, at least. i still have my depressive moments.
but.. yeah.
aliveness.. it's a wonderful feeling.
i'm not exactly sure why. i think i'm just tired of being depressed. it really drags on you after awhile.
it's not like it was a hxc, "i'm going to always be happy and definitly stick to this" choice or anything.. more like, a subconscious choice. a choice to actually start trying at life rather then giving up every chance i get.
which is good.
i've started exercising every day. which is something that i've needed to do for a long time. and it's amazing how good i feel afterwards. i feel very accomplished. hah.

yep.

ooh.. so I might be going to WarpedTour at the end of June! AHH! i'm uber excited. finally seeing Relient K live! =D
and seeing Anberlin, Family Force 5, Forever the Sickest Kids, Between the Trees, among a bunch of other amazing bands. Paramore isn't going to be at the date in Denver though.. =[
speaking of Paramore.. they *are* coming to Denver.. but on the same day as HeavenFest. which is a bummer. because I have to decide if I want to see one of my favorite bands ever (like, they're in my top three), or see a bunch of bands that I like (but aren't my favorites) at HeavenFest. I don't know yet.. because I've been really excited for HeavenFest, but seeing Paramore could quite possibly beat our HeavenFest.
*sigh*
I'm so indecisive. hah.


Ooh.. so I read this really good book recently.. it's called "Butterfly in Brazil". It's by some guy who works at New Life Church down in Colorado Springs. It's really good. You should read it. =D

i once was blind.. but now i see..

I just finished watching the movie "Amazing Grace".
One of the best movies I've ever seen.
It made me cry.. and made me think.

What if we all fought against injustice like William Wilberforce did? How much would this world change if we focused our energy on making this world a better place rather than putting us up higher on the ladder? What if we changed ourselves before trying to change others.. so that the change in us is seen, and others choose to change themselves because they can see that it can be done.
If everyone chose to change themselves - if everyone chose to become a better person and die to themselves everyday.. just imagine how much this world could change.

I want a life of change, more than anything.

"i want to see miracles.. to see the world change.."

The Motions - Matthew West

This might hurt, it's not safe
But I know that I've gotta make a change
I don't care if I break,
At least I'll be feeling something
'Cause just okay is not enough
Help me fight through the nothingness of life

I don't wanna go through the motions
I don't wanna go one more day
without Your all consuming passion inside of me
I don't wanna spend my whole life asking,
"What if I had given everything,
instead of going through the motions?"

No regrets, not this time
I'm gonna let my heart defeat my mind
Let Your love make me whole
I think I'm finally feeling something
'Cause just okay is not enough
Help me fight through the nothingness of this life

'Cause I don't wanna go through the motions
I don't wanna go one more day
without Your all consuming passion inside of me
I don't wanna spend my whole life asking,
"What if I had given everything,
instead of going through the motions?"

take me all the way (take me all the way)
take me all the way ('cause I don't wanna go through the motions)
take me all the way (I know I'm finally feeling something real)
take me all the way

I don't wanna go through the motions
I don't wanna go one more day
without Your all consuming passion inside of me
I don't wanna spend my whole life asking,
"What if I had given everything,
instead of going through the motions?"

I don't wanna go through the motions
I don't wanna go one more day
without Your all consuming passion inside of me
I don't wanna spend my whole life asking,
"What if I had given everything,
instead of going through the motions?"

take me all the way (take me all the way)
take me all the way (I don't wanna go, I don't wanna go)
take me all the way (through the motions)
take me all the way

I don't wanna go through the motions

-----------------------------------------

whoo-ee. long time no blog.

these past couple of weeks have been a whirlwind of work, finishing school, graduations, graduation parties, moving (the church), etc.
and i'm still not even done with school. blah.

everybody's all excited.. planning their summers. getting excited for their trips. planning their packing lists.
and here i am, writing a lame blog about how i'm not doing anything this summer.
i'm so lame.
and it's even lamer that i'm complaining about this again.
but i can't help it. i feel pathetic for not doing anything.
i think i'm going to die being stuck here all summer. =p

i haven't been on the internet much lately.. partly because of business, partly because of disinterest. i haven't updated my quote site in forever. i dunno.. i guess it just seems that the internet is really shallow. everybody is so concerned with putting on these personas.. eh. i dunno. it just bothers me a bit. i mean, some people spend all their free time on the internet. that can't be healthy. although you can build some really great friendships online, those *can't* be the only friendships you have. you need real people. real life. i think we get lost in it. in all the "knowledge" at our fingertips. we forget what really matters. now, don't get me wrong.. the internet is great for a lot of things.. just.. the majority of people misuse it. and it's stupid. there's so much that this world has to offer that's not confined to a computer screen.
anyway.. enough of that.

love. interesting subject.
i think God has been trying to teach me some stuff about love lately. it's been turning up everywhere. for the bible study at church, we're doing "Loving Well" by Beth Moore. last week, i went to a friend's youth group, and the youth pastor spoke on love. i've started doing a personal Bible study, and it turns out that all the books i have are on love. plus a couple other random things..
it can't be a coincidence.
i don't quite know what about love yet.. whether it be that i should be loving others more or loving myself more (which i definitly need to work on both), or something else. but it's just plain weird. hah.

this month has brought the winds of change around here.. it's insane how much things are changing. weird.

i got my hair cut. it looks pretty cute. got a lot of compliments on it today.

yeah.

so.. because i am doing nothing of significance this summer... if any of ya'll wanna come visit me for a couple days.. or want me to come visit you.. let me know. 'cause that'd be rad and i wouldn't feel so lame. and i might be able to convince my parents to let me. hah.


oohh.. and.. my first vlog! =D
hah, i'm a dork..



you should go to the EleventyGirls channel and subscribe so you'll never miss one!
http://youtube.com/user/TheEleventygirls

i want it more and more to just always be the weekend. hah.

this past weekend was radsome.

on friday night i went to a superchic[k]/disciple/kj-52/britt nicole/starlit platoon concert. it was awesome.. although i went by myself. hah. i got right up front and center, second row from the stage. got some pretty awesome pictures. it was one of the first concerts that i didn't get pictures or autographs or even talk to any band members.. it was weird. but the lines were wicked long and my parents were waiting.. eh. maybe next time.
i felt really bad for disciple. because, they're like, this hxc band.. and the crowd was 75% girls under 13 and their parents. haha. it was kinda lame. it would've been better if there was a better crowd.. but it was still fun. i can't wait to see disciple when there's a good crowd. haha.

then on saturday, i cleaned the house for my mom. (oh, the joys)
but on saturday night, went to my friend's sixteenth birthday party. we went to build-a-bear. it was awesome. i made a monkey. her name is amber-lynn.. and she's a rawker. xD
and after build-a-bear we walked around the shopping complex it was in and talked and laughed and had fun.. and then we went back to Jordan's house and ate and did presents and such. it was rad.

sunday was mothers day, obviously. hah. the whole family was there.. and we ate.. and went on a walk and such. yeah.

uhm.. yeah.
now it's tuesday. a weekday. and my weekdays are filled with boring-ness. aka, babysitting, school, work.. etc. ick.
i'm so ready to be done with school. one more week! blah.


i was going to talk about some other, more serious, things too.. but i really don't feel like it. maybe in the next blog.. =p

the eleventyboys entertain me.

i miss them.

maybe we're all insane.

i'm feeling kinda blah today.
i dunno.

i miss some people really badly.. just want to give them great big hugs right now. just hang out with them.. but who knows when that'll happen. *sigh*

it was raining this morning. i wish it still was. i like the rain.

i'm going to a concert by myself on friday night.. should be interesting. i would be going with other people.. but everybody's busy... and i really wanna go.. so i'm just gonna go by myself. should still be fun.

i've been doing some drawing the past couple of days.. they're all really crappy. but i'm proud of myself.. because they're better than what i've drawn before. haha.
i really want to take a class.. or a painting class.. and i'd reallllyyyy love to take a photography class. but there's none offered around here. it's kinda sad. ah, well.. i'll live without 'em.

only two weeks of school left! you have no idea how excited i am. hah.

this is home - switchfoot

I've got my memories
They're always inside of me
But I can't go back, back to how it was
I believe now, I've seen too much
But I can't go back, back to how it was
Created for a place I've never known

This is home
Now I'm finally where I belong,
where I belong
Yeah this is home
I've been searching for a place of my own
Now I've found it
Maybe this is home,
Yeah this is home

Belief over misery
I've seen the enemy
And I won't go back, back to how it was
And I got my heart set on what happens next
I got my eyes wide it's not over yet
We are miracles
and we're not alone

This is home
Now I'm finally where I belong,
where I belong
Yeah this is home
I've been searching for a place of my own
Now I've found it
Maybe this is home,
Yeah this is home

And now after all my searching
After all my questions
I'm gonna call it home
I got a brand new mindset
I can finally see the sunset
I'm gonna call it home

This is home
Now I'm finally where I belong,
where I belong
Yeah this is home
I've been searching for a place of my own
Now I've found it
Maybe this is home,
Yeah this is home

Now I know
Yeah this is home

I've come too far
Now I won't go back
This is home.



---------

new song by switchfoot.
it's a good song too. <3

Prince Caspian comes out soon.. hopefully going to a midnight showing. I'm way excited. Hopefully they don't screw it up. hah.

My new headline is from....
*drumroll*
Eleventyseven! ^_^
it's from the very end of their thank you's on the new record, Galactic Conquest. (well, I guess it isn't really new anymore.. hah)
and i was bored with 'moving for the sake of motion'. it was depressing. and i'm trying to stay away from depressing. =p

the end.

LCM - Children 18:3

You've got to run
You've got to go to the police
It's ok, you'll be fine
I think this is what's best for you
It's gonna turn out right
I've got to go
I've got to figure this out
You're really not at fault
You should go and clear your name
And work it out

Last chance Marie
You want to run? It'll be ok
Last chance Marie
I've got to run but you can give up now

So who are you?
Do you know what you want?
What does all this mean?
I know you have a yesterday but tomorrow is unseen
You have a choice
Do you know what you want?
When nothing else is clear
To go on now is optional
And home is near

Last chance Marie
Calm down, it'll be ok
Last chance Marie
I've got to run but you can give up now

They're coming, they're coming
You know you can't run with the death squad shooting
They're coming, they're coming
The pit bulls smiling and the squad cars screaming

Last chance Marie
You want to run? It'll be ok
Last chance Marie
I've got to run but you can give up now

To be free

-------------------------------

i think i've said this before.. but i'll say it again. i love listening to people talk. i really do. most of the times i really don't have anything worthwhile to put into a conversation (that's why i'm generally quiet in real life [and in internet life]).. but i really enjoy listening to other people's conversations. it's always interesting to hear what people talk about.. hah. like, on the bus sometimes, i pretend to listen to my mp3 player, but i'm secretly evesdropping. (is that bad? hah)

i've been on an emotional roller-coaster ride lately. not quite sure why. but.. like, really. i have been. my moods have been changing in the snap of fingers. it's strange. i feel bad for the people who have to deal with me. (although.. generally, i stay by myself in my room or i'm up here on the computer. =p)

i went on a walk with my dogs tonight, down in the canyon. oh, it brought back so many memories of when i was little.. playing with my friends down there. oh, the adventures we had. those were good times. anyway. i like taking walks. the air helps me clear my head. all too often i stay inside for too long. makes me emo. hah. i like the canyon though.. i wish i was a good photographer so i could capture all of it's beauty and show it too you. (but since i can't, you'll just have to come out and visit me and go hiking with me in it. XD)

my tooth hurts. =[
good thing i'm going to the dentist tomorrow.. even though i don't like the dentist. foreign objects and strange fingers going into my mouth = not my idea of fun.

i'm drinking tea right now. it's pretty darn tasty. i love tea. i think i even love it more than coffee. but either one.. they have to be almost excessivly sweetened. hah. i have too much of a sweet tooth. it's bad.

i love my church. i really do. and this is the first time that i can ever say i've loved a church. and i'm just hoping that it doesn't hurt me like all of the past churches have. and although my church is small... and the youth group is now only me and one other girl.. and we're moving out of our building.. and all these other things.. i still love it. i'm not really sure why.. hm.

anyway. i think i'm done for the night.
sorry for my spasitcism (is that even a word..? =p)

random music video time.

this is how i spent my friday evening. =p

Story behind "After the World"


After the World - Disciple


All That Matters - Addison Road (i love this song. the video is silly.)


Hold On - Jonas Brothers (yes, i know. them. but i actually like the song a lot..)


Matthias Replaces Judas - Showbread (Passion of the Christ video clips - caution, full gore)


Here it Goes Again - Ok Go


Paperthin Hymn - Anberlin


Friend Like That - Hawk Nelson