"resolutions"

my resolutions in past years have always been vague and therefore i've never completed them. or even started them, really.
so i'm making some concrete goals. and i am going to achieve them.

1. get my license


2. graduate in may. oh dear.


3. go on at least one roadtrip.


4. go to Cornerstone, Sonshine, or Ichthus. [or all three!]

5. do yoga [or just excercise] at least three times a week. eat at least one fruit and one veggie per day. ie: become a healthy person.


6. complete project52 and project stranger.

7. finish my three song demo.


8. watch one sunset/sunrise and stargaze at least once a month.


9. read and study the whole Bible.


10. love with all i have in me.



my song for 2009 was "time i understood" by wavorly. holy cow, was it a good pick.
i still haven't decided what 2010's song will be. hopefully soon, considering 2010 starts in less than 36 hours.

the day after Christmas.
it's crazy, really. i've been so so so busy this month. and now everything's calmed down. my family's still having a Christmas celebration on Sunday, but Christmas is basically over. i'm done with my santa job, and now am just working at baskin-robbins.
oh, i am so blessed.
i can't understand why i hate my life so much.
my mind and my heart are in a neverending battle.
i didn't want much this Christmas, i didn't ask for much. i really am trying to simplify my life, slowly but surely.
but then i only got a little bit of stuff. and i craved more.
i am much more materialistic than i let myself believe.
a fight between flesh and soul.


surrender is so hard.



"Time for surrender
Spread out your open hands
And He will raise you up
Confessing all that's broken
And watch the healing come
Spread out your open hands
Admit you've held them shut
Be swept away by this"
- flylead, "swept away"

i dare you to move.

"maybe redemption is stories to tell
maybe forgiveness is right where you fell
where can you run to escape from yourself?"

Silence - Bradley Hathaway

What's happening here?
I was once so alive and now I'm so full of dread and almost dead
Show me your wounded head that is lead to communion with the father
But where did he go?
His presence seems farther and farther away each day
but I'm trying so hard to steer his way
Yet still lonely and confused on this cold hard ground I lay

Speak to me wise mouth and say "it's all good kid, it's nothing that you did, and though it feels like I'm not here with you right now just be still and silent and listen for that sound..
Shhh..
Did you hear it?
Listen again.
Did you hear it?
That silent voice that just spoke nothing, that is me,
I'm listening to your plea with open ears
Counting all your tears flowing from your irritated eyes
Searching the skies looking for that hope that beyond there lies.

Oh you young worrysome sparrow, find rest
Lay your battered head upon my omnipresent breast and make it your nest
No strong cold wind could ever blow and carry you from this your home
Look around, see the life shooting up from the ground
Spring colors springing fourth and celebration of your trusting

It's a constant process this is
Growing you into the person you are to become
But when you sense the setting of the sun know it is only rising and has just begun
Now go fourth, sing songs of faith, and lift up others in the midst of this race
And if you can't keep the pace or lose sight of my face
Know that I'm always near so you need not fear
But don't worry about all that right now
Just sit here and enjoy the peace I offer in my silence
When I am silent I am listening, and not abandoning.

i am a hypocrite, plain and simple.

another casualty.

self-destructive habits..
i don't want this anymore
i can't do this anymore
i'm barely hanging on as it is.


i've been incredibly mean and cynical lately. it comes with being incredibly stressed, i think. things that are good are happening, i have jobs, i have four months of school left [six until graduation], i just got a new guitar, it's christmastime.
but i'm still not happy.
i still haven't found what i'm looking for.
everything that i see everyone around me finding hope in holds no hope for me.

it's been a crazy stressful couple of days.

i get so jealous sometimes my body aches.
loneliness creeps into my soul and tears it apart..

i wanna run away, i wanna ditch my life
[because all of my mistakes keep me awake at night]

----
i get tired of life far to easily.
i don't talk enough.
meaning, i never get to know anyone and no one ever gets to know me.
which is why i'm so miserably lonely all the time.

i am far too consumed with myself.

in an effort to maintain some positivity in my life, i've started a new blog.
http://stargazingdaydreams.blogspot.com

i will still use this one for depressive ranting, but that one is where all my positive posts will go.

"Most good things have been said far too many times and just need to be lived."

Shane Claiborne is seriously a very blessed person. sososo inspiring.
i just wish i could do something with my inspiration instead of still sitting on my butt in front of the computer.



"And I think that's what our world is desperately in need of - lovers, people who are building deep, genuine relationships with fellow strugglers along the way, and who actually know the faces of the people behind the issues they are concerned about."

"We do need to be born again, since Jesus said that to a guy named Nicodemus. But if you tell me I have to be born again to enter the Kingdom of God, I can tell you that you have to sell everything you have and give it to the poor, because Jesus said that to one guy, too. But I guess that's why God invented highlighers, so we can highlight the parts we like and ignore the rest."

"For even if the whole world believed in resurrection, little would change until we began to practice it. We can believe in CPR, but people will remain dead until someone breathes new life into them. And we can tell the world that there is life after death, but the world really seems to be wondering if there is life before death."

"Only Jesus would be crazy enough to suggest that if you want to become the greatest, you should become the least. Only Jesus would declare God's blessing on the po0r rather than on the rich and would insist that it's not enough to just love your friends. I just began to wonder if anybody still believed Jesus meant those things he said."

there's a knot in my stomach
a knot that won't untie
lingering like stale smoke
just a picture-framed goodbye..

please remember.

love is not a 9-5 job. love is a commitment. love is life.
today was the unoficially official twloha day. hundreds, maybe thousands of people wrote love on their arms in support of this organization. i support the organization and i support people supporting the organization... but i don't see a huge impact with it. just because you have "love" written on your arm doesn't mean you're helping out. if you write love and you reach out, then it means something. if you write love and say you support but don't reach out, it's nothing. it's worthless, like a clanging gong in the middle of the night. i just can't get it. with so many people saying that they're "making a difference" yet not doing a thing except for using a sharpie... it doesn't make much sense to me.

"let me tell you this: if you're not depressed or struggling with self-harm, today's not about you. it's about reaching out to the people in need around you. write love on somebody else's arms today. tell someone you don't like that they're worth something. It might make more of a difference than you could ever imagine."
-random photographer on flickr

"it's crap unless it moves you, crap unless it connects with your story, meets you in your pain, reminds you of your dreams, reminds you what's possible." - jamie tworkowski

there's so much pain. so. much. pain.
but there is also love. so much MORE love.
don't give up. don't ever fucking give up.
life is worth it, regardless of how messed up it can feel..

"so maybe people are our way out. maybe people can help us out. which is to say, maybe you can help somebody out. maybe you can save somebody's life. and maybe it's as easy as saying something to them. and if it's that easy... imagine how much more we can do if we do more than just say something" -eric schripsema

peace to you tonight. <3

woodie awards!

Jamie Talks Woodie Awards from To Write Love on Her Arms. on Vimeo.

i'll be happier, happier when i've given up..

i don't want to be perfect, just alright..

we're all wasted...

half of me is dead, already gone... half is screaming "everyone is wrong."

in less than five hours, i will be officially seventeen.
weird.
no, weird isn't really the right word. i don't know what is.
i hate birthdays. well, not for other people. i like saying to other people "i'm glad you were born" which means "i'm glad you're alive". but i hate them for me. it doesn't feel right - celebrating this mess of a human that i am. i'm undeserving of life, much less people celebrating my life. not that most people care anyway - it's just an excuse for celebrating.
also, i hate the mass amount of shallow birthday wishes on facebook. if people really cared about me they would talk to me more than once a year, and they would know when my birthday was without having too look on facebook.

it's a constant conflict in me - between wanting to grow up and wanting to be a kid. but i think i'm getting closer to fully wanting to be grown up. i think it might be triggered by the constant arguement with my parents that i always seem to be in [i'm never going to be good enough for them]. it sounds like teenage angst, and maybe it is, but i'm so done with it all.

hello life as a seventeen year old.

what do i know of holy?

"What Do I Know of Holy?" by Addison Road is on in the background. there's snow falling outside, and a foot of it on the ground. i'm in my pajamas still, and wrapped in a warm blanket [yuss!].

I've been off of [coughgroundedcough] the internet for a couple days. and i must say it was a good break. it's weird.. it seems like there's this whole other world on the internet that we dive into and rarely come back out of.
i have a few friends that rarely use facebook, and now i think i understand why. it's all fake, it's all just showing people what we want them to see. we can know everything about everyone we know and still know nothing about them at all. the internet never gets past arms length.
it's strange, and it makes me uncomfortable.

on to other things.

this song is on repeat. i can't get enough of it right now.
it makes me feel so small, so miniscule.. but in a good way. often feeling small means feeling worthless and stupid and many other adjectives that i often use to describe myself. but this small is different. this small is a version of awe of the God that created everything. it fits so perfectly into my journey right now. i get arrogant sometimes, thinking that i've tried so hard to be awesome and God's been letting me down, and i often think that i've got it all figured out. but i don't. i'm small, and i know next to nothing. i think that sometimes my arrogance causes me to believe that God fits in my box. He doesn't. He's fire, fury, holy, and beautiful..

i'm going to be seventeen in exactly two weeks.

so. weird.

you're using your headphones to drown out your mind

today was, suprisingly, a good day.
i had some good conversations with people.
i like honest discussions.

going out to coffee with a couple of people on friday. i'm looking forward to that.

worthless.
unimportant.
wretched.
lost.

so very alone.

hopeless and downtrodden.



"We will separate ourselves from everyone that we know. We can’t allow a single doubt or weakness to show. Just one more day without the shame and I can move on. I’ll be happier, happier when I’ve given up. (We say, we’re so misunderstood, but I know we don’t do the things we should. So long to what I thought I was. I’ll be happier, happier when I’ve given up.)"
- emery, inside our skin

what does it all mean?

we're so connected.
cellphones and texting, facebook and myspace [wait, who still uses myspace..?], the internet in general..

but it seems to me that we've somewhat lost ourselves in it.
we're more connected, but we've lost connection.

what happened to community?
what happened to going out to coffee with someone to get to know them?
now all we have to do is add them on facebook and boom! we're friends.
all we have to do is read a couple of lines on their profile and boom! we know them.
it's not right. we've lost the art of communication.

i want to know people, not just meet them.

on a somewhat related note, i hate band to fan relationships. why do we put musicians on such a pedestal? why bother with a thirty second meet and greet and a sharpie scribble? even pictures with bands i don't much understand anymore. this has been a gradual, and somewhat recent change in me. i used to be a huuuggggeee fangirl. it was terrible. but now i realize that they're just normal people, with real struggles and faults and hopes and dreams. that's why i've made an effort to, when i go to concerts, actually talk to these people and love them and give them cookies and make them feel like something other than a pedestal.
with the pedestal that we've put these people on, we're so shocked when they mess up and do something we don't like. as my friend Jonathan [of the band eleventyseven] once said to me "bands aren't allowed to have bad days". they aren't, really. because if they're having a bad day and therefore don't feel like socializing with fans, we automatically write them off as being "mean" or "full of themselves". or on the opposite side of the spectrum, if they do interact with fans at all, we automatically think that they're perfect.


yay word-vomit..

the fear of God - showbread

dear God, why should i think you're good
in a world that’s falling apart?
the flags and lies picket signs raised high
the endless enveloping dark
and now here we sit, drifting further from you
two thousand years on their way out
and now i am here, and somehow i know you
still haunted by my fears and my doubts

just a man, just a vapor, just a waste of your space
all the good that i've done is in spite of myself
i'm not sure that i can look you in your face
when i finally set foot in your kingdom

dear God, what went wrong?
we hate ourselves, we hate our brother
we so desperately want to find our way
and all you say is 'love one another'

and little babies starve to death emaciated, out of breath
unfaithful wives make vows untrue, husbands beat them black and blue
junkies vomit in the streets writhing, twitching in their skin
sell themselves to die some more, rotting from the outside in
parents steal the innocence, from their children, scared and shaking
they drink away the guilt at night, brings quiet to the endless aching
evil men boast on TV, swimming in a sea of wealth
while misery beds honest men, and lonely people kill themselves
and everyone cries out your name, as the world is raped by selfishness
and no one knows the way to heaven, we only know the emptiness
the storm it rages in my heart, the endless empty roars in my ears
my world is coming all apart, i've no strength left to dry my tears
and through it all i hear your voice, breaking my heart, breaking my will
calms the storm inside of my soul as you whisper 'peace, be still...'

you place your hands around my heart, you quiet the emptiness in me
a king that kneels, a God made a servant, you set the captives free
you wait for me, a wretch of a man, no record of wrongs do you keep
you are comfort when i mourn, you are strength when i am weak
Jesus Christ, the king of kings
though we ache though we cry, never break never die
we sing of His great love again and again
and His love reigns forever, and forevermore
forever and ever amen

inadequate.
inadequate.
inadequate.

the perfect word do describe what i am.

"the face you see is just the mask i chose to wear today"

"my mask is growing heavy, but i've forgotten who's beneath"

"i settle down, a twiste up frown, disguised as a smile.."


what is it with our culture and the obsession with faking? why do we insist to put on a face and mask our pain?
why do we always pretend we're fine when it's obvious we're lying? what do we have to lose?

the answer we say is "everything". the real answer? nothing. will people look at you differently? maybe. but they'll connect. realize that there's a heart behind that head. realize that other people have feelings. realize that everybody's hurting in their own way, but everybody hides it because everybody else hides it.

i guess that's why i support to write love so very much. they talk about those things that need to be talked about. everybody wants to be loved, to be known, to have a place to share their heart. and to write love embraces that, and that's why many people including myself keep on coming back. community is important. having a place where you can take off your mask and not worry is so terribly important.

so i will continue to fight to find community.
because God knows how much i need it.

... we can be renewed.

i've been reading a lot of blogs lately. watching a lot of videos. reading lots of books.
all in the effort to finally lift myself up and improve myself.

everyone has there own twelve step program. everyone has their own opinion on how to be "better".
i don't want to be better. i want to be understood. i want to love and be loved.

through reading these things, i've determined that i don't care about the front anymore. all i want to do is love God, love others, and love myself. i don't want to go through programs and make up things that i learn.
i want to learn. i want to actually make sense sometimes.

i have issues with comparing myself to others. in everything that i do. everytime i see someone, i instantly compare myself to them. "i suck at this just because they're better than i am" or "they suck at it, so i'm good at it" and other things like that.

i'm tired of doing that. there's always going to be people better than i am and worse than i am. what matters is that Christ is my main focus.

i'm not a good person. everything good i do is in spite of myself.
but i am loved. and that makes me more than worthless.

p.s. yoga is fun.

it's eight pm eastern, so six colorado time.
watch it watch it watch it!
i'm certain that it's going to be fantastic.

so.. i applied for a job at a pastry shop downtown and it looks quite promising.
*crosses fingers*

and least if i get a job i'll have some fraction of a life.
fldkjfal;ksjdflkf

i was going to complain some more and more.
but i just now realized that i'm an idiot for complaining so much.
so i'm just going to stop right now.

i hate life, dangit.

what if it's all in my head?

what if all of it is in my head?

i hate that i'm not close to anyone anymore.
no one.
looking back, even when i barely talked to some people, i was still close to them.
and now it's not there anymore.
and it's my own fault.

why am i so mistrusting of people?
life is pain with or without trust, and only bad *and* good can come of trust.


invisible children event tonight.
i'm pretty darn excited.

the hope that lies in You.

... and through all the questioning,
You’ve been the hope in me.
despite uncertainty,
You’ve been the only constant thing.
and when i'm struggling,
You keep on loving me the same...
this is the hope that lies in You.

-----------

some days are good.
some aren't.

i guess that's life.

she's ripping wings off of butterflies...

my youth pastor came up to me tonight and told me that he was praying for me.
i can't even beging to explain how much that means to me.

maybe i will contine attending this youth group...
*sigh*
i don't know. i don't know. i don't know.
the only people who talk to me/i talk to are the leaders. the students mostly ignore me. there's not a community there for me.
but i can't stop going back. there's still some small glimmer of hope that something might change...

i adore noah gundersen and the courage.
i saw them play last night. and they didn't play near long enough, in my opinion. even though they played for about forty minutes.
and i already want to see them play again....

falling into You

Don’t wake me. I’ve fallen asleep. Don’t hate me. I have no relief.
This burden is shredding my soul. This cycle is out of control.

And You call me as your friend, as I drive these nails again.
I’m falling into You.
You call me as your friend, as I break Your heart again.
I’m falling into You.

In a darkened room, this pain is complete.
In my selfish tomb, I smell the defeat.
Why do I medicate? Why do I go back to the things I hate?
There’s something broken in me
I must be soaking in my apathy.

And You call me as your friend, as I drive these nails again.
I’m falling into You.
You call me as your friend, as I break Your heart again.
I’m falling into You.

All who are found in this place, come to the ocean of grace.
And all who have spit in His face, come and live!
And You call me as your friend, as I drive these nails again.
I’m falling into You.
(Come and live!)
You call me as your friend, as I break Your heart again.
I’m falling into You.
And You call me as your friend - my heart beats once again.
I’m falling into You.

You call me as your friend - and I come alive again.
I’m falling into You.
(And You call me as your friend, as I drive these nails again. I’m falling...)
...into You. (You call me as your friend, as I break Your heart again.)
I’m falling into You. (I’m falling...)

---------------
i heart The Glorious Unseen. both the band and the being.

take what's left of me..

"i waste my time on things that don't matter, forgetting that people matter more than those things. and you wonder why we start to believe that people don't matter... sure, it may seem easy to replace a person with something else, but until that other thing loves you, it isn't worth much. people will hurt us, but people will also love us, and if we give up on something because it hurts, then we will never learn and we will constantly be stuck in a rut. we hate the rut and we want to get out of the rut, but we dig it deeper because that's how we cope. the razor blades and the alcohol and cigarettes... they're like little shovels, digging our ruts deeper. we want to get out but we want to go deeper because going deeper feels good in the moment, and getting out hurts so much.

so maybe people are our way out. maybe people can help us out. which is to say, maybe you can help somebody out. maybe you can save somebody's life. and maybe it's as easy as saying something to them. and if it's that easy... imagine how much more we can do if we do more than just say something."

- eric [www.myspace.com/ericschripsema]

eric posted this as a comment on the to write love blog yesterday about world suicide prevention day.

it made my eyes fill with tears, wrenched my sould a little bit.
not just his comment, but his comment in relation to the twloha blog.
people are important. people are important.

i know this, i know this so well. but in an attempt to protect myself i've lost some of the value of human relationship. i've had maybe two in-depth honest conversations in the past year. i can remember each of them specifically. and in both i didn't even spill my heart out, only let a little piece seep through. we are called to love in broken places, but how am i supposed to love if i'm the broken place?

the past few days have been hard. i've laid in bed under my covers in the middle of the day and wished i could fall asleep and never wake up, because at least it would make everything go away. i've struggled before, but not like this. not where it feels like my sould is wrenching out and feeling perfectly numb at the same time. not where i know that this God loves me, but i can't make the true choice to love Him back. not where i can see where i need to be, but can't there through my own shroud of lonliness and selfishness.

i know i need to make the choice, the choice to let people in - to know me, to love me, to walk alongside me. as jamie says "call it 'community' or call it the way things are supposed to be." but how do you make a choice that you can't? how do you start when you've tried so many times before? everyone around me has their own lives, their own problems. and they probally don't have the slightest idea that i've been struggling, and they probally don't care. and if there are those out there who do, how do i know who they are?

i can hardly breathe anymore.

all i really am is self-centered and alone.
no matter what anyone says.


p.s. completely unrelated note, but i'm doing a class this semester called 'writing from the heart'. it's writing paragraphs about silly subjects that i don't really care about. i've written one a day for the past five weeks, and not once written 'from the heart', but this blog post on the internet is from my heart. deep down in my heart. ironic? i'm thinking yes..

more in-depth blog to come.
i'm long overdue for one of those.

11897 views on my blog?
o.O
i'm thinking that's a glitch.
because pretty much nobody reads this thing.
or at least, nobody should be.
because it's pretty pathetic.

bury the castle, bury the castle..
brick by boring brick..

'i've been told to break the mold and i would if i could
but apathy is easier than caring at all
and the undulating nothingness means having a ball.'
-showbread

i watched the movie 'camp rock' tonight.
and i kinda sorta actually enjoyed it.

and now i can't stop listening to the song 'this is me' from the movie.
not exactly a picture of myself, but bits and pieces i can relate to sooo well.

i figured out one of the tattoos i want to get eventually.
"I loved you at your darkest"
in fancy swirly script.
most likely on my left arm...

Jesus, Jesus...

Jesus, Jesus could you tell me what the problem is
with the world and all the people in it
because i've been hearing stories about the end of the world
and i'm in love with a girl and i don't want to leave her
the television screen says the most hideous things
they're talking about the war on the radio
they say the whole things gonna blow and we will all be left alone
no, we'll be dead and we won't know what hit us

Jesus, Jesus if you're up there won't you hear me
because i've been wondering if you're listening for quite awhile
Jesus, Jesus such a pretty place we live in
and i know we've fucked it up, but please be kind
don't let us go out like the dinasours
or blown to bits in a third world war
there are a hundred different things i'd still like to do
i'd like to climb to the top of the eiffel tower
look up from the ground under a meteor shower
and maybe even raise a family

Jesus, Jesus there are those that say they love you
but they have treated me so god-damned mean
and i know you said 'forgive them for they know not what they do'
but sometimes i think they do, and i think about you
if all the heathens burn in hell, do all their children burn as well?
what about the muslims and the gays and the unwed mothers?
what about me and all my friends, are we all sinners if we sin?
does it even matter in the end if we're unhappy?

Jesus, Jesus i'm still looking for answers
and i know that i won't find them here tonight
Jesus, Jesus could you call me if you have the time?
maybe we could meet for coffee and work it out
maybe then i'll understand what it's all about...

--------------

i love noah gundersen.

i adore to write love on her arms
mainly for the sheer fact that they are a huge part of the reason i am still alive today.

two bands staying at my house in two weeks?
life is so weird.

i think i'm going to take up yoga.
and maybe start eating more vegetables and fruit.
yoga first though.

why the hell am i back in the dark already again?

i mean, i should still be on the wave of excitement over last night. because last night was amazing. a highlight of my week, of my month, of my summer, of my year, of my life. the showbread guys are fantastic people and i had a blast hanging out with them.

but most of it is gone already. i'm irratable and fake and stupid all over again. and i know it's just going to get worse and spiral down and down..

i really wish i could be one of those naturally optimistic people. those who see the light even when it's dark.
i wish i could believe in God like the guys of Showbread do. they're so honest about it, and it's so natural with them. unlike most everyone else i meet, who makes it stilted and fake and forced.

i don't know what to do.

no fear no doubt i've bottomed out i've lost myself i'm letting go
no pride no me i've set them free i've lost my mind and now i know
no pain no death they're put to rest we leave them here we close the door
no earth no man, now take my hand nothing matters anymore
-showbread, nothing matters anymore

omu.
omu.
omu.
omu.
omu.

freaking out. in both the good and bad way.

this girl is amazing.

you're using your headphones to drown out your mind

something is wrong with me.
and i want to know what the hell it is.

i get triggered by the simplest of things. i fall down time and time again after nothing. why does depression overcome me in such ways? I HATE IT. no matter how hard i try, i can't work things out. i can't change this. it always creeps up on me at the worst of times. right when i begin to feel that things might be okay for once. i'm plagued by a constant nothingness. a constant nagging in the back of my mind that i will never amount to anything. my life is worthless. my life is meaningless. and i'm beginning to not care anymore. i've fought it for so long and it always comes back. where's that light at the end of the tunnel that everybody always talks about? where's MY light? because i just keep on hitting trains, again and again. i'm so tired. i'm just so tired of it all. if i could be anyone these days, i'd be someone different. just so i wouldn't be this awful mess of me. i'm lost. i have no direction. i don't know what the hell i'm doing here. i don't know where i'm going. I DON'T KNOW. i'm finished with all this chaos, all these ticking clocks in my head. driving me crazy with every second.

i've been plagued with jealosy lately. everyone, everything. no matter if it matters or is just a trivial thing, i want it. i want to be happy. i want to have friends who actually care about how i'm doing and know that i'm not fine when i say that i am. i want to be able to take excellent pictures. i wanted to be able to take my slr to the concert yesterday. i wanted so badly to go to warped tour today. i want so badly to find somewhere i belong. want, want, want. do i really need any of it? i'm beginning to find that i am a selfish, stupid, materialistic person. all i really need is air to breathe and food to eat. yet i yearn for everything else. everything that i think will fill me up.

i want to be passionate. i want to believe in God, and actually believe in Him everyday. i want to feel Him and love Him and belong to Him. but everytime i search i come up empty. am i just not searching hard enough? is anybody ever complete, or am i just not good at believing? am i just a failure at this whole thing? is it terrible that i find it all ridiculous after awhile? because i can't help but wonder if He's really listening. if all these fucked-up people in this fucked-up world will ever really care. if anybody truly represents Him the way He should be represented. did i ever really believe? because right now i'm so messed up i don't even know. i just know that i'm lost, and i can't be found.
i'm so terribly lost.

does it even matter in the end if we're unhappy? because i am most certainly unhappy. i can't find it. i can't find the answers. and i'm so tired of looking for them. i'm so tired of looking. i'm so tired of searching and never finding. i'm tired of rollercoasters and spinning planets.

i'm so tired of saying the word "i".


the more you struggle, the more you fight it,
the more it clings to you at night.
the more you wonder, the ore you dream,
the more you pray it starts to die.
and it does, though it kicks you in the side..
yes it does, though it takes a little time..
-noah gundersen, moss on a rolling stone

i complain far too much.
i've been realizing how much i take for granted..
i am an incredibly blessed individual.

is there anyone listening as we're screaming?

life lessons from transformers

just kidding. there's no life lessons contained in this post.
but it is about transformers.

i went and saw the new one last night. i was super excited because i had heard that it was really good.. and i was sorely disappointed. don't get me wrong, the special effects were amazing, but the dialogue and plot were both severely lacking, it was somewhat confusing at times as to who was an autobot and who was a decepticon, and the iq level of the transformers was all together about a three. and there were things in the movie that didn't need to be in there that could have easily been left out. why is this culture so obsessed with sex? really, it bothers me. sex should be (and is, in my perspective) something sacred. :/

and i'm learning more and more that i'm becoming a pacifist in most ways. i'm finding that when i watch violent/somewhat violent movies, i dislike them. i don't like violence and death. i don't like it whatsoever.

bayside

i can’t go on
deflate the air from both
of my lungs
fears one by one
followed me home
and became reality
i'm a failure
i'm a freak
i'm a chip on your shoulder
the last thing you need
shudder, earth quakes at the thought
of a life that’s meaningless
and with such a promising past
but you can always count on me
to choke the end

i can’t go on
deflate the air from both of my lungs
i’ll be gone
long before daylight shows its face

honestly, i'm taking big strides
on a race towards normalcy
where more is more
and less is weak
where love is crap, emotion speaks
for us all
what’s really right
who’s who to say
i can survive alone again
figured that out the hardest way
the forecast calls for fire
flames sound nice today

i can’t go on
deflate the air from both of my lungs
i'll be gone
long before daylight shows its face
it's old and worn
and it's mouth smiles no more
well I'm worth my weight in potting soil
maybe I try to hard to care

i left a note on your bed
i don’t recall what it said
it's something like
"i'm completely miserable
and i'm better off dead”

i can’t go on
deflate the air from both
of my lungs
i'll be gone
long before daylight shows its face
it's old and worn
and it's mouth smiles no more
well I'm worth my weight in potting soil
maybe I try to hard to care

i can’t go on
deflate the air from both
of my lungs

i can’t go on
deflate the air from both
of my lungs

i can’t go on.

-----------------

it's been a bad day.
for no reason.

i hate depression.

catastrophe

'wake up, you're a drama queen.
carry on like you're supposed to be.

i know that i shouldn't let it get to me
but it does.. who am i kidding?'

-ftsk

"There is something beautiful about a billion stars held steady by a God who knows what He is doing. (They hang there, the stars, like notes on a page of music, free-form verse, silent mysteries swirling in the blue like jazz.) And as I lay there, it occurred to me that God is up there somewhere. Of course, I had always known He was, but this time I felt it, I realized it, the way a person realizes they are hungry or thirsty. The knowledge of God seeped out of my brain and into my heart. I imagined Him looking down on this earth, half angry because His beloved mankind had cheated on Him, had committed adultery, and yet hopelessly in love with her, drunk with love for her." - Donald Miller

winter - noah gundersen

it's a beautiful song.
i really adore noah gundersen's music and lyrics.



i've been learning a lot lately.
technology is both a blessing and a curse. it can be used as a wonderful communication tool or as an excuse to lock yourself away from the world.
i watch too much television. (as well as every other american)
being lazy makes you more tired than going out and doing something with your life.
hanging out with people that make you feel alive is better than hanging out with those that don't.
hanging out with people in general is really good for you.
most of the time people really can't tell the difference between tiredness and depression. (or they can and just don't want to)

"no, life cannot be understood flat on a page. it has to be lived; a person has to get out of his head, has to fall in love, has to memorize poems, has to jump off bridges into rivers, has to stand in an empty desert and whisper sonnets under his breath..." - donald miller

as of a week and a half ago, i am officialy done with my junior year of highschool.
whoo!

only two years left of school total. one in highschool, one at photography school.
then i'm off to hopefully working somehow with a mix of photography, music, and ministry/non-profits.

half of me is super super super excited.. but the other half totally isn't ready yet. i feel like i should still be a little kid with years and years until i have to think about my future. but i'm sixteen - and i'm not a little kid anymore. time to start growing up, eh?

on another note, i recently (..yesterday..) discovered this AMAZING band called "Awaken, North Wind". they're really good and i like them a lot.
i'm bad at describing bands, so you should just check them out for yourself..
http://myspace.com/awakennorthwind

so many unanswered questions

i tried to go to bed 47 minutes ago.
it didn't work.
it's one of those nights that my head is just so full of things.. questions... life..
i've been having a lot of these nights lately.


the whole God/predestination thing. I still haven't figured it out. if God really did predestine those who would be saved, why did He pick who He did? why didn't He just pick the whole world? does predestination interfere with free will?

legalism in Christianity. why are Christians so stuck in it? why are there so many rules and regulations and shit? why is the church seen as a museum for saints rather than a hospital for sinners? why isn't living like Jesus did - loving with all we are - enough?

why am i always shuffling backwards? it seems everytime i take one step forward, i take two steps back. or everytime i think i've finally got it right, i have to turn myself around.

materialism/consumerism. why is america so obsessed with it? why is it so important? why do i constantly get caught up in it? when will we realize that there's no joy in having it all?

will things actually change once i get out of this town? will i actually be able to make a difference?

i don't know.
and these are only a fraction of the questions in my head.

*sigh*

i read through all the twloha blogs today - all nineteen pages of them. all the way from the very beginning of the story. i never really grasped that it started from such a small story - i mean, i knew it, but i never really knew it. reading those blogs, some from renee about her struggles..
those blogs are filled with a lot of things. a lot of hurt, a lot of pain... but also a lot of hope and love.

i needed to be reminded of a lot of things they said.
i've gotten lost for awhile. i want to believe that i'm finding my way back, but i'm not completely sure. as superchick says in their song 'suddenly' (which is one of my favorite songs, btw) "the only way out is through everything she's running from". i just need to turn around and run the other way.
if only i could do that.

i've grown a lot in the past three months. in the past year. in the past two, three, four years. there's been a lot of hurt - i'm not going to deny that. a lot of it was self-inflicted. but i honestly and truly believe that it's made me a stronger person. it sounds so cliche, but it's true.

i don't know where i'm going with this.
so i'll just leave off with this, an excerpt from one of the blogs that really hit home..

"i've been obsessed with The Fray's new single "You Found Me" for the last week, playing it for everyone, making them listen. i think it's the honesty... The song is basically a conversation with God, the things you're not supposed to say:

Guy runs into God and asks Him where the heck He's been.

God says 'Ask anything.'

He asks 'Where were you when everything was falling apart?'

i am full-blown in love with the bridge, beyond explanation. All i know is that it's been moving some things around in me. He sings this with urgency:
'Early morning, the city breaks, i've been calling for years and years and years and years and you never left me no messages, you never sent me no letters. You've got some kind of nerve...'

Whoa. You're not supposed to talk to God like that... right?

Or maybe God can handle it. Maybe God can handle my pain and my questions. Maybe God would prefer the most honest version of me.

i'm not sure what you believe about God, or conversations with God... Perhaps that's a separate conversation. i guess i'm just writing to say that it's okay to be honest, that pain shouldn't stay silent. Questions shouldn't stay silent. We need to say these things out loud. Perhaps hope or healing or even faith, perhaps it begins there, with honesty.

This week i was reminded that i am thankful for the fact that it's okay to be honest, that maybe change starts there."

-jamie tworkowski

every once in awhile, i have a moment when i believe everything's going to turn out okay.
right now is one of those moments.

my guitar teacher asked me today what my goals were for this summer.
i told him i didn't have any, really, besides getting better.
he didn't like that too much, and it's understandable.

it got me to thinking.. i don't really set goals at all. and that got me to thinking.. why?
and then i realized.. the reason i don't set goals is so when i don't reach them others won't be disappointed in me.

how pathetic is that?

wldejwlkfhwflksdhfk

this.

..a trailer for Donald Miller's new book and DVD, 'The Open Table: An Invitation to Know God'.

http://donmilleris.com/2009/02/04/the-open-table-video/


... wow. ♥

deteriorate - demon hunter

Time has had it's way with me
My broken, tired hands can't build a thing
The wires that have held me still
Embedded now in flesh, define my will
The idle of my days has won
The empty I have fed has made me numb
Despite what you will find in me
The failures of my past still swell beneath

(Prechorus)
I need a heart that carries on through the pain
When the walls start collapsing again
Give me a soul that never ceases to follow
Despite the infection within

(chorus)
Our careless feet leaving trails
Never minding the fragile dirt we all end in(x2)

This is where i find my fall
The cares that held me life don't work at all
And every step away from here
Is closer to the plague I hold so dear

(Prechorus)

(Chorus)

Awaiting my end
Breathing in the day that finds me new
Redemption begins
Bleeding out the flaws in place of you(x2)

(Chorus)

----

i'm learning.

Your Life Path Number is 9

Your purpose in life is to make the world better You are very socially conscious and a total idealist. You think there are many things wrong with the world, and you want to fix them. You have a big idea of how to world could be, and you'll sacrifice almost anything to work towards this dream. In love, you can easily see the beauty in someone else. And you never cling too tightly. You are capable of great love, but it's hard for you to focus your love on one person or relationship. You have a lot of outward focus, and you tend to blame the world for your failures. You are often disappointed by the realities of life - it's hard for you to accept the shortcomings of the world.

What Is Your Life Path Number?

some days God is my best friend.
and then some days i can't seem to find Him anywhere.

we all look elsewhere..

i'm tired of life.
i'm tired of constant mediocrity, failed expectations, never going deeper than the surface.
i'm tired of never moving forward, of constantly having to turn myself around.
i'm tired of stress, sickness, and pain..
i'm tired of the card house blowing down right when i think i've gotten it right.

i'm just plain tired.

the earth falls asleep - abandon kansas

The earth falls asleep much too early for me
I close my eyes but I can't rest
My body is tired my mind is running
From the past to the east to the west
Trying to find the blame
That you've already taken from me

Can anyone tell me how, how we learn to live with ourselves
I've been forgiven of things only God knows, but I can't forgive myself
After all of my searching I found who I am, and its not what I wanted
But I'm here now and I'm broken, come save me from this hell

I am convinced that the world that we see is a curtain
Behind which vast realms await us
Of uncharted marvels and oceans of mercy inside the Father's eyes
And the mountains are grandstands that sheets of blue sky rest upon
Peeled back with ease by Your hands
To reveal a glory I've never dreamed

I want to pay for the things I've done, the people I've hurt
Get what I deserve, but You won't let me
My hope is in the Unseen
Cause I see no hope in me

geez.
i just realized that i make myself sound really emo.
i'm not, i promise.

i wanna say i'll never do it again.. but i can't.

"God, i wish i could hear You.
You said You'd help me through this..
i wish You didn't have to.."-wavorly

this song has been running through my head all day.

to be honest, i've been struggling immensely lately. i guess it's understandable, with all the stress with my parents and sickness and taking care of the house/daycare kids and yadayadayada. and not that i'd let anybody know (because everybody already has enough to be concerned about), but i'm terribly stressed and i've been releasing it in ways that i shouldn't be.

i hate being a good liar.
i don't like being in this tunnel.
and i don't like thinking that i'm finally seeing daylight and then realizing it's actually a train.


"as you did warn me carpenter, this world has weakened my heart.."
- showbread

i don't understand it, really.

how i can trust God so easily with some things, and not at all with others.

for instance, right now i have complete trust in God with the situation about my dad. i know that God's going to take care of it, and my dad will be fine and out of the hospital soon. and it's not hard for me. it's rather easy, really.

but i can't trust God with me. and i don't know why. there's somewhat of a civil war going on inside of me and i can't figure out pretty much anything. i know the way to solve what's going on inside of me is to trust God and to trust others and have honest conversations. but i can't seem to do it. i don't know how.

it's frustrating..

keep breathing in..

keep, keep breathing in..

"I don’t know if you’ve ever felt like that. That you wanted to sleep for a thousand years. Or just not exist. Or just not be aware that you do exist. Or something like that. I think wanting that is very morbid, but I want it when I get like this. That’s why I’m trying not to think. I just want it all to stop spinning." - The Perks of Being A Wallflower



"God is still in the business of redemption, and He invites us to join Him. He asks us to whisper truth to the face of death, to lay down our lives that others might find something alive. Something true. Pain is real. But hope is also real. The fight song and the love song collide. The song is ours to sing." - Jamie Tworkowski



"i am remembering who i am. i lost it for a while last year, got lost in all the pain and change and stress. Got lost in all the losing. But i am finding my way back, and i'm believing better things." - Jamie Tworkowski


"In a way, I left the god of easy answers, the god who was always wanting me to be rich or wanting my country to be better than the other countries or, for that matter, for me to be better than you. I left that god the preachers talk about on television and the politicians mention in their prayers. But I left room open for another God, a God who might explain my existence, explain the complexities of my hands and feel and feelings and the very strange and mysterious fact that even as I type this I am breathing." - Searching For God Knows What



"I gave up on myself, and left this pride disarmed, I cried out 'I’m alone!' and found myself in Your arms." -Showbread

I've got a lot to learn.

"So this is how liberty dies.. with thunderous applause." - Queen Amidala, Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith

I think it holds some truth.. although I would like for it not to.
But, regardless of what I think, Barack Obama will become our President today. And like it or not, he's going to be the leader of this country for the next four years.
I hope he proves me (and my expectations of him) wrong.

Moving forward...

Life's been a bit crazy lately. I swear, this year is bipolar. I've already had both incredibly low points and some really good times. I cried, like, actually cried for the first time in almost a year. And I also have laughed the hardest that I have in a long time. It's a learning process. I'm learning to live.

This week (meaning since Thursday) is especially crazy. Not so much bipolar, but definitely crazy. My mom has a terrible ear infection, and her ear drum ruptured and all this... so she's been in crazy pain and taking vicoden and sleeping. So, here I am, stuck watching her six daycare kids. Oh, the joys. haha. I definitely do not ever want kids of my own. (I mean, if God gives them to me, there's not much I can do. And if He does give them to me, I'll love them all the same... but I don't want them. hah.). So I'm watching the kids, working on school, cooking dinner every night, doing laundry, cleaning the house, etc.
Also, tomorrow, I'm taking some Senior Pictures for a friend of mine! It should be pretty exciting.. and rather interesting, since I've never really done people pictures before. And on Thursday I have a guitar lesson, and I'm recording the song that I wrote - only the part that I've written though, which is only the rhythm guitar part. And then on Friday, I'm going out to lunch with some friends for a friend's birthday, and then doing a photoshoot with my sister, and then I have to pack up some stuff and leave for the retreat I'm going on this weekend. I'm so excited to go on this retreat. It'll be good for me. heh.


Also: Rock Band drums are better, Guitar Hero guitars are better.
And Subway is better than Quiznos.
the end.

i'm sorry i can't be perfect.

this game - one star story

This empty feeling, blame it on me.
Do I deserve this? I must deserve this.
My soul is sinking; guilt watches me.
What is my purpose? I must have purpose.
So I stop and breath.

You tell me I'm fine, no reason to cry.
Tell me again and try not to lie.
There is no difference; everywhere's the same.
And there is no way for me to win this game.

Silence informs me I'm solitary.
Are you out there? Please be out there.
Maybe I'll soon learn how to be perfect.
I just don't care; why should I care
About your apathy?

This happens everytime;
Keep trying to start new.
The only thing I learn is
That it's something I can't do.

nothing is perfect.

and it's rather frustrating sometimes.

don't wanna talk, don't wanna talk about it..

I'm sitting here, less than 12 hours into 2009... and I'm wondering, are things really going to change?

Right now the new year is still new - it's fragile and pure - like a fresh snow... and I want it desperately to stay like that. I want to see the good things and change the bad ones. I want this year to be different from last year.

But I'm scared. I'm terribly scared that I'll stay in this terrible rut that I've been in for what seems like forever. I scared that my fickle self won't get the courage to change for good. I'm scared that things will be dirty and broken and used up before I know it, and I'll be sitting here a year from now no different than I am.

I'm ready for a completely new life - changing my surroundings and the people around me and everything. I want to be two years older and on my way to new breath.
But I can't do that. I'm 16, still stuck in my parents house, only a junior in highschool, and just learning to drive.

So the best that I can do is change me. But how? I've been trying for what seems like forever.

Or maybe I haven't. Maybe I've been pretending to try just so people will look the other way. Maybe I've gotten comfortable in this rut. Maybe I've just been giving a half-hearted effort because I haven't truly wanted to change yet.

The best thing that I can now do is move forward and not look back.